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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
What weighs more, a gallon of water, or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
#wordplay
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What’s the worst thing to hear your surgeon say during the operation?
Literally anything.
#other
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What language do Scottish lesbians speak?
Gaylick.
#wordplay
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I have sex almost every day.
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
Almost on Saturday
Almost on Sunday
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A man comes to a brothel.
And asks for something really exotic to surprise him.
They point him to a room. He enters it and sees a box on the bed. He opens it, and inside is some strange smooth pink ball.
The man starts turning it in his hands:
- How am I supposed to fuck you? How am I supposed to fuck you?
The ball suddenly speaks:
- No, don't fuck me, don't fuck me!
The man (keeps turning it in his hands):
- Where did you say it from? Where did you say it from?
#sexandshit
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What did Jay-Z call his wife before they were married?
Feyonce.
#wordplay
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What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?
Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.
#wordplay
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How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen do?
Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.
#other
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A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.
”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager.
“Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”
On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.
“Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.”
#oldbutgold
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A software tester walks into a bar
runs into a bar
hops into a bar
skips into a bar
jumps into a bar.
He orders:
a beer
a bear
a bier
2 beers
3 beers
65535 beers
π beers
-1 beers
0 beers
O beers
NULL beers
The bartender fulfils the orders that he can fulfil and refuses the others. The tester writes up his results and forwards them to the senior analyst for sign-off.
A live user walks into the bar and asks where the toilet is. The bartender explodes, the bar catches fire and the ceiling falls in.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.” So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, “That was incredible."
He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the ripples from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”
“No,” she said, “I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."
#sexandshit
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Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?
No Sun.
#wordplay
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When asked for a hearing aid, the doctor told me to describe the symptoms
I said, Homer is a fat guy, his wife, Marge, has blue hair. His son, Bart gets into a lot of trouble and his daughter, Lisa, is an unappreciated genius
#wordplay
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Sex while camping
is fucking intense!
#wordplay
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An interviewer once asked me. "I heard you were very fast at math".
Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am" Interviewer: "Whats 14x27" Me: "49" Interviewer: "that's not even close" me: "yeah, but it was fast"
#other
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The King returns home from the hunt. Suddenly, he sees that right in the royal courtyard, some insolent fellow wrote in the snow "The King is a moron" with his urine.
Enraged, the King shouts:
- Merlin! Come here this instant!
At once, the court wizard appears.
- Merlin, - says the King. - At once, find out who did this!
Merlin pulls out his staff, casts a few spells, lights up a candle to divine in the flame...
- Your Majesty, - he says. - The urine on the snow belongs to Albert, your First Minister.
- Excellent work, Merlin, - the King turns toward his guards. - You four, arrest the First Minister at once! And the Queen, too!
- Excuse me, Your Majesty, - Merlin says. - but why the Queen?
- I recognize her handwritring.
#sexandshit
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I had a date last night, it was perfect…
Tomorrow I’ll try a grape
#wordplay
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A porn movie studio posts an ad for male actors.
Three men arrive next day at the HR.
First man: My dick is twelve inches long, and it stays hard for a whole hour.
HR head: Excellent, you are hired!
Second man: My dick is only nine inches long, but it stays hard for five hours.
HR head: Very good, you are hired as well.
Third man: Well, my dick is two inches long, and can only stay hard for fifteen seconds.
HR head: Excuse me, but why would we need a guy like you?
Third man: What, don't your movies need antagonists?
#sexandhsit
@Sickipedia
A bartender walks into the Catholic church around the corner and enters the confessional. The window slides open and the bartender says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been 15 years since my last confession." The priest says, "And how have you sinned my son?"
The bartender says, "I have betrayed the sacred obligation of my craft, which is to listen with an open heart to the woes of others and to offer solace and wise counsel. I have been listening to people's troubles for so long, I just can't do it any more, so lately I have been pretending to listen and responding automatically with rote platitudes. I feel so guilty. I don't know what to do."
After a long silence, the bartender said, "Father? Are you there?"
"Sorry, what was that again?"
#religion
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King Arthur introduces a visitor to his warriors...
"This is the brave Sir Lancelot, and on my left, the bold Sir Gawain. On the far side of the Round table are handsome Sir Galahad, the fierce Sir Sagramore and the famous Sir Eve..."
"Wait, what? Sir Eve? Famous?! "
"Well, surely you have heard about the Knight Before Christmas?"
#wordplay
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A lady buys a lie detecting robot. If you tell a lie around it, it slaps you; hard. She goes home and places it on the dining room table.
That night, the family is having dinner at the table, and the her husband looks over at their teenage son and asks "Son, what did you do all day while we were at work?".
The son replies "Oh nothing, just... watched movies.".
The father says "Okay... wait, were you watching porn?".
The son tells him "What? No, I wasn't watching porn!".
The robot slaps the kid right out of his chair.
The father, outraged, says "When I was your age I never watched porn!".
The robot slaps the father right out of his chair.
The mother, laughing and pointing at her husband, says "Well, he's your son alright!".
The robot slaps her right out of her chair.
#oldbutgold
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I can't wake up this morning. Feel like a bicycle.
Two tired.
#wordplay
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My daughter asked me, “Dad, what do bees eat?”
Me: Honey, how should I know?
#other
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"I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not "fun to be around"
#roast
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I'm only 12.5% sure that God exists.
I guess that makes me an 1/8 theist.
#wordplay
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I've been called out by the community for making too many bird puns, so I've decided to stop doing them.
I don't want to get ostrichised by the community!
#wordplay
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There's nothing worse than having a Cranberries song stuck
in your heeeeead in your heeeead in your heeea, in your hea, in your head
#other
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There was once a man who was obsessed with tractors…
He owned multiple tractors and tractor-themed merchandise. Toy tractors, tractor calendars, posters, everything.
One day he and his wife were riding one of his tractors around a field, when his wife fell out and was ran over. She died of her injuries and the man was distraught. He vowed to never enjoy tractors again and sold all of his tractors and merchandise.
A few years later he decides to start dating and lands a date with a beautiful woman. He takes her to a fancy cocktail bar for their date.
During the date one of the bartenders messes up a cocktail and the room fills with smoke. Everyone is coughing and panicking but the man simply stands up, inhales all the smoke, walks to the door and blows it all outside.
His date is amazed and asks, “How did you do that?”
“I’m an ex tractor fan”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to the class.
He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing the class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A prankster student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up, "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect the class exploded in laughter.
When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.
"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll have to learn how to write with your other hand then..."
#other
@Sickipedia
What's one thing the 5-second rule does not apply to?
Soup.
#other
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