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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A man walks into a diner.
He sits down at the counter, orders a cup of coffee, and starts looking at the menu. He sees broccoli and cheese soup and asks the waitress if it's any good. She says sure, she likes it, and mentions that the customer 2 seats down ordered it a few minutes ago, why not ask him?
The man looks over and sees the other customer just sitting there, staring into a full bowl of soup. He asks if the soup is any good, but gets no response. When he asks if he could try a bite, the other customer just pushes it over to him and waves his hand to indicate, "Here, just take it."
The man thanks him, gets a clean spoon from the waitress, and starts eating.
He's eaten about 2/3 of it when he spoons up what he thinks is a big piece of broccoli. But to his horror, it's a dead mouse cooked in the soup.
He immediately gags, retches, and vomits it all right back into the bowl.
The other customer glances over, nods knowingly, and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too."
#other
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I just got a job testing a new erectile dysfunction medication.
The starting pay isn't great but I'm hoping to get a raise soon.
#wordplay
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If you are being chased by a bunch of taxidermists,
Don't play dead!
#other
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Man walks into a sex shop.
He puts a sex doll on the counter and says, "I'd like a refund on this new robotic A.I model".
"Why, what's wrong with it?"
"It keeps complaining that I don't turn it on."
#wordplay
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I have three rules in life:
Never ask anyone how much they make.
Don’t ask anyone how old they are.
Never ask a person with a German last name why they are from South America.
#oldbutgold
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said," I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away. "The distressed owner wailed, " Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its peak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."
#wordplay
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My wife asked me why i wanted to get cremated
I told her it was my last chance to have a smoking hot body.
#wordplay
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My wife said that I ruined her birthday..
But I didn’t even know it was her birthday!
#other
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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.
The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."
The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".
The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"
"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fucking business."
#other
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Kristy Garamella, a gorgeous just-graduated high school senior, had saved money for one of her bucket list items- to take a cruise all by herself, to prove her new-found independence. She boarded the cruise ship and walked around to find what there was to do.
Aboard the ship, she kept a diary:
Monday- ‘I felt singularly honored this evening, the captain invited me to dine at his table.’
Tuesday- ‘I spent the entire morning on the bridge with the captain.’
Wednesday- ‘The captain made suggestions to me unbecoming an officer and a gentleman.’
Thursday- ‘Tonight, the captain threatened to sink the ship if I don’t give in to his indecent proposals.’
Friday- ‘This afternoon, I saved 3,125 lives.’
#sexandshit
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At this time of year I love sitting in front of a roaring fire, sipping mulled wine, and listening to Christmas songs until I fall asleep.
That's probably why I lost my job as a firefighter.
#other
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Fifty priests died in a horrible bus accident.
Saint Peter was waiting at the Pearly Gates and said “To save time I’m only going to ask one question. Which of you has ever had a homosexual relationship?”
The priests mumbled and looked at the ground. Eventually 49 raised their hands.
“OK,” said Saint Peter, “Off to hell with you. And take the deaf one.”
#religion
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I asked my boss what browser he uses...
He said "Chrome"
I said "So why do people in the team say you're always on edge?"
#wordplay
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What weighs more, a gallon of water, or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
#wordplay
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What’s the worst thing to hear your surgeon say during the operation?
Literally anything.
#other
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I like my women the way I like my laptop
On my lap, turned on and virus free
#sexandshit
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A magician was working on a cruise ship.
A magician was working on a cruise ship. Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said "Okay, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"
#other
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My friend just told me to put the toilet seat down.
I don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
#other
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Someone just called my phone, sneezed, and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of all these cold calls.
#wordplay
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Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!"
Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk returns to the bar's far end. Ten minutes later, he returns and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk.”
#oldbutgold
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I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it to roll up a joint.
He’s now high on the list of people I would never want to talk to again.
#wordplay
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A tortoise crawls on the road.
Suddenly, it sees d'Artagnan and the Three Musketeers up ahead, riding their horses.
- Greetings, d'Artagnan - he says as they approach.
- Greetings, Tortoise.
- Greetings, d'Artagnan's horse.
- Greeting, Tortoise.
- Greetings, Athos.
- Greetings, Tortoise.
- Greetings, Athos' horse.
- Greeting, Tortoise.
- Greetings, Porthos.
- Greetings, Tortoise.
- Greetings, Porthos' horse.
- Greeting, Tortoise.
- Greetings, Aramis.
- Greetings, Tortoise.
- Greetings, Aramis' horse.
- Greeting, Tortoise.
The Musketeers pass.
- Farewell, d'Artagnan - says the tortoise.
- Farewell, Tortoise.
- Farewell, d'Artagnan's horse.
- Farewell, Tortoise.
- Farewell, Athos.
- Farewell, Tortoise.
- Farewell, Athos' horse.
- Farewell, Tortoise.
- Farewell, Porthos.
- Farewell, Tortoise.
- Farewell, Porthos' horse.
- Farewell, Tortoise.
- Farewell, Aramis.
- Farewell, Tortoise.
- Farewell, Aramis' horse.
- Farewell, Tortoise.
Having parted from them, the tortoise crawls on. Suddenly, up ahead, it sees Leonidas and the 300 Spartans.
#other
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I hate public transportation. I once had to watch a homeless man masturbate on a train for 45 minutes once.
Then my phone died.
#sexandshit
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Two brothers were sent to prison.
Unwilling to serve their time, the brothers immediately began planning their escape. They located an unsecured window in an upper floor bathroom and stole bedsheets to create a makeshift rope.
To cover their escape, the older brother planned to fake a stomach cramp and pretend to be loudly ill, to discourage anyone from investigating while the younger brother assembled their escape rope. The younger brother asked if his brother was joking.
The older brother replied, "Nope, this is the real plan. I shit you knot."
#wordplay
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So kids, what did you do during your break?
Jim raises his hand and says: “I watched the birds”.
“Ah,” says the teacher, “If you can write ‘bird’ without making any mistakes, you may leave an hour earlier”.
So Jim goes up to the blackboard and correctly writes ‘bird’.
Next, Susie raises her hand and says: “I was playing tag”. Again the teacher promises: “You may leave an hour earlier if you can write ‘tag’ without making any mistakes.” So, Susie goes up to the blackboard and writes ‘tag’ correctly.
Then Mohamed raises his hand and says: “I wanted to play with the other kids, but they wouldn’t let me because I am an Arab”. Turning to the class, the teacher says: “There is no need to exclude him like this, kids. Now Mohamed, if you can write ‘racial discrimination of an ethnic minority…
#other
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My friend Jay recently had twin daughters and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
#wordplay
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My wife is mad at me because of the way I keep introducing her
I always refer to her as my «ex-girlfriend»
#other
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Cop pulled me over and said: "PAPERS"
I yelled "SCISSORS" and drove off.
#wordplay
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The King returns home from the hunt. Suddenly, he sees that right in the royal courtyard, some insolent fellow wrote in the snow "The King is a moron" with his urine.
Enraged, the King shouts:
- Merlin! Come here this instant!
At once, the court wizard appears.
- Merlin, - says the King. - At once, find out who did this!
Merlin pulls out his staff, casts a few spells, lights up a candle to divine in the flame...
- Your Majesty, - he says. - The urine on the snow belongs to Albert, your First Minister.
- Excellent work, Merlin, - the King turns toward his guards. - You four, arrest the First Minister at once! And the Queen, too!
- Excuse me, Your Majesty, - Merlin says. - but why the Queen?
- I recognize her handwritring.
#sexandshit
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I had a date last night, it was perfect…
Tomorrow I’ll try a grape
#wordplay
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