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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
My wife said, “You really have no sense of direction, do you?”
I said, “Where did that come from?”
#wordplay
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I once visited a small town. It was a country town. I asked the locals "What is there to do around here?" One of the old timers said "Well, we have a brothel."
So I went to the brothel and asked "how much does it cost?" They answered "Well, these are simple country girls, it costs a chicken for oral, a goat for sex, and a cow for anal."
I left and came back carrying a platypus and said "OK, listen..."
#sexandshit
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A little boy named johnny is going to visit his neighbour's baby who was born with no ears.
"Listen Johnny, you must not mention the baby's ears, or i'll spank you." Johnny's mom explains to him. They arrive at the neighbour's house, and Johnny asks the neighbour: "so how much does he weigh?"
"He weighs a lot for his age, he's very healthy." The neighbour is excited to have someone so interested in her baby.
"Has he spoke yet?" Johnny asks "he's already said mama, he shouldn't have said that for weeks." The neighbour getting even more excited.
"How's his eyesight?" Johnny asks next. "His eyesight is perfect." The neighbour states.
"Good, cause he's fucked if he needs glasses." Johnny replies.
#roast
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Every time there was a crime, no matter how terrible, he would hear the details from his officers and say "It could be worse."
One day, police were called to a beautiful house on a quiet street that belonged to a wealthy local businessman and his wife, the Dunwoodys. When they arrived, they found the front door open, and heard the sound of crying from the kitchen. The wife was sitting in a blood-drenched negligee at the kitchen table, crying hysterically. The husband was sitting calmly across from her, his hands covered in blood. He sipped a coffee. Bloody footprints led up the stairs to the master bedroom. A naked man was face-up on the bed with a knife protruding from his chest. His clothes were on the floor, and there was $1000 cash sitting on the nightstand.
The investigating officers immediately called for the chief to come to the scene.
"You know what he'll say," said one. "It could have been worse."
A while later the chief arrived along with the crime scene unit and a couple of detectives. The chief winced as he looked at the bloody scene in the bedroom, then walked away shaking his head.
"Well, it could have been worse," he said.
One of the cops, feeling brave, called out to him.
"Chief? I have to ask. How? I mean, a man is dead! His family is destroyed. Mr. Dunwoody found out his wife is a high-priced escort and committed murder, and now the Dunwoodys' kids' lives are ruined . . . how could it possibly have been worse?"
The chief looked at him for a moment.
"Well, for one thing, if this had been yesterday, the dead guy would have been me."
#other
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What has 3 eyes, 3 testicles and 2 weeks to live?
Someone who needs to see a doctor
#illness
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Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.
The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say,
"Well, isn't that precious".
#other
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A man is about to walk into a bar, when a num holding a sign that reads "alcohol is evil" stops him.
The nun tells him about the evils of alcohol, "alcohol is evil! Alcohol is the devils tool!
Then, the nun says something that really effected the man. "What would your parents think!" The man explains how both his parents have passed away, and how he's not sure what they would think.
The nun keeps going on about the evils of drinking. "Your parents are cursing your name from hell!" The man is fed up with this nun, so he asks her: "well how do you know how bad alcohol is? Have you even ever had a drink before?"
"Well, I guess I have never tried it." The nun admits, so the man offers her a deal, he'll buy her a drink, and if she doesn't like it he'll never drink again.
The nun agrees to the deal and enters the bar with the man. The man asks her what she would like to drink, so she asks him what ladies usually drink. The man answers gin.
So he buys her a drink, and she admits she likes it. And tells the man she's leaving to repent for her sins. The man explains to the bartender about how weird that encounter with the nun was.
"That fucking nun at it again?" The barkeep replies.
#other
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Two scientists walk into a bar.
The first one says: "I'll have some H2O."
The second one says:"I'll also have water. Wait, why did you call it H2O? We're not at work anymore."
The first scientist goes to the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.
#antijoke
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I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
#other
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Chuck Norris admitted to using stunt doubles in his films
But only for the crying parts.
#oldbutgold
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I saw my doctor last week and he asked me how much marijuana do I smoke? I said why was that your first question?
He said, it wasn't.
#other
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My date seemed ecstatic at first when I told her I had the body of an Ancient Greek statue
She didn’t seem as enthused when she found out I was only referring from the waist down!
#sexandshit
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A gorilla passed away at the zoo right before it opens for the day. It was the only gorilla in the zoo since they weren't a very profitable creature. However, the gorilla was very popular and the zoo couldnt afford to open without it.
The zoo manager asked one of his employees to wear a gorilla suit for an extra $100 a day to keep the customers satisfied until they found a replacement.
The employee agreed and quickly took his place in the enclosure. Once the zoo opened, the crowd loved the gorilla even more. People from all over came to see it.
However, a few weeks go by and the dazzle fizzles out. So to gain back interest, he climbs up the bars of the enclosure and hangs above the lions cage, swinging around and doing stunts.
The people stared in awe and shock as the spectacle continued. Suddenly the man's grip fails and he falls into the lion's cage. Afraid for his life, he screams "help! Help!"
A lion sneaks up from behind him and pounces on him, whispering in his ear. "Shut the fuck up or you're gonna get both of us fired".
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A sophisticated-looking lady was returning by plane from Switzerland.
She talked to the Father sitting next to her, "Excuse me, Father, may I ask you a favor?"
The priest replied, "Of course, my child, what can I do for you?"
The woman explained, "Here's my problem: I bought myself a new epilator and paid quite a lot of money for it. I think I've exceeded the limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it at customs. Could you possibly hide it under your robe while going through customs?"
The priest replied, "I can certainly do that, my child, but you know I cannot lie."
The woman said, "You have such an honest and innocent face, Father. I'm sure they won’t even question you."
She handed the expensive epilator to the priest. As the plane landed and the priest approached the customs, the officer asked, "Father, do you have any items to declare?"
The priest replied, "I have nothing to declare from my head to my belt, my child."
Finding this answer odd, the officer asked, "Well, what about the area below your belt?"
The priest responded, "There's a wonderful little device designed for the use of women. However, it has never been used!"
The customs officer, bursting into laughter, said, "Alright, Father, you can go. Next!"
#sexandshit
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A shark can swim faster than a human, but a human can run faster than a shark…
..So in a triathlon it comes down to who's the better cyclist
#other
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A man was travelling the countryside with his 8-year-old daughter. One particularly stormy night they were forced to take shelter in a local mansion owned by a lonely widow. The widow was happy to receive guests and was very hospitable for the two weary travellers.
The next morning the father said to his daughter:
"I have to take care of some business in the nearby town. Mrs. Sterling has kindly agreed to look after you while I'm gone. I will be back tomorrow morning. Promise to be good while I'm gone."
"Yes father, I promise", the little girl said, though deep down she was nervous to spend the night in the big house without her father.
Nighttime came and the widow took the little girl to her room upstairs. But not an hour had passed when the lady heard crying from the little girl's room.
"What is it, my sweet child? Did you have a nightmare?" The widow inquired softly.
"There is someone in this room. Behind the curtains. I'm scared", the girl whimpered pitifully.
The widow walked to the window and pulled the curtains aside.
"See? There is no one here. It was probably the draft moving the curtains as this is a very old house. Now be a good little girl and go back to sleep."
But only a short moment had passed when the widow once again heard cries from the little girl's room.
"My sweet child, what is it now?"
"There is someone here, I swear! I saw it in the corner. It's a ghost", the little girl whimpered in her bed.
"There is no one here but you and me, dear. It is probably just shadows from the old oak tree outside playing tricks with your eyes. Your father will be back with us first thing tomorrow morning. Now for the last time, be a good little girl and try to get some sleep."
An hour passed and the widow was woken up by a knock on her door. She saw the little girl standing outside in her nightgown weeping pitifully.
"For heaven's sake child! It's past midnight and you should be fast asleep! What is it now?" The widow asked, exasperated.
"I saw the ghost again, miss! It won't let me sleep. Can I come sleep next to you?"
"Now listen to me carefully, child. I have lived in this house for 367 years and not once have I seen a ghost! Now for the last time, go back to bed and try to get some sleep."
#oldbutgold
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"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student.
The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-David, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who filled out by Birth Certificate was an asshole."
#oldbitgold
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Little johnny is sitting on a bench, eating a massive bag of candy.
An old lady comes up to johnny "are you really going to eat all that?" The lady asks, shocked by the size of the bag. "My grandpa did exactly what I am doing now, every day, and he lived to be 104!"
"What, by eating all that candy?" The old lady asks.
"No, by minding his own fucking business" Johnny replies.
#roast
@Sickipedia
What's the difference between a highly paid lawyer doing meth in a penthouse and a cheap hooker doing meth in a motel?
About 6 months.
#other
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Chuck Norris once got bitten by a snake.
After days of excruciating pain, the snake finally died.
#oldbutgold
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Two mischievous boys, aged 8 and 10, are known for causing all sorts of trouble in their town. Their mother, hoping to discipline them, asks a preacher to speak to them. The preacher agrees, but he asks to see the boys individually.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sits the younger boy down and asks sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth drops open, he doesn’t respond but sits there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeats the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
The boy lowers his gaze but does not answer. The preacher raises his voice further, shakes his finger in the boy's face, and bellows, "Where is God?!"
The boy screams and runs directly home and dives into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother finds him in the closet, he asks, "What happened?" “Why are you shaking?”
Gasping for breath, the younger brother replies, "We are in BIG trouble this time.
GOD is missing, and they think we did it!
#other
@Sickipedia
A hint to the joke above
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydrogen_peroxide
Funny, I heard one, a young minister was trying to find out the best way to decide what to collect from the collection plate, so he went to ask a rabbi, a bishop and a priest.
The rabbi told him it was easy after the service, I go outside I draw a big circle on the ground and I pray, then I throw the money up and what ever lands inside the circle is gods and whatever lands outside the circle I keep.
The bishop said to him it was easy also, he said after the service, I go outside I draw a big circle on the ground and I pray, then I throw the money up and what ever lands outside the circle is gods and whatever lands inside the circle I keep.
Then he went to ask the priest, he told him you worrying too much, it’s very easy after the service, I go outside I draw a big circle on the ground and I pray inside the circle, then I throw the money up in the air and what ever god wants he takes and the rest I keep.
#religion
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Any time I ask myself “What Would Jesus Do?” I remember that grabbing a bullwhip and kicking over tables isn’t out of the realm of possibilities.
#religion
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There's a statistic that says hippos kill more people every year than sharks.
Makes sense. It seems very unlikely for a hippo to find a shark in the savanah.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
The priest angrily asks the altar boy standing two meters away,
"Are you secretly drinking the holy wine?"
The altar boy remains silent. The priest's anger grows.
"I'm asking you! Can't you hear me?"
"No, I can't hear anything from here, Father."
"What do you mean? You're just two steps away and you can't hear me?"
The altar boy smirks,
"Why don't we switch places and you'll see..."
They swap places. Now the altar boy asks,
"Who's embezzling the church donations?"
The priest mutters,
"You know what? You're right! You really can't hear anything from here."
#religion
@Sickipedia
What does the economist say to arouse their wife?
Oh baby I’m going to increase your liquidity
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I was standing at an airport bar in International Departures when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate and Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, why the fuck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."
#racism
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If you think about it, both sides of the American civil war wanted the same thing in the end
Free black people
#wordplay
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