13643
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.
A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A young pastor is called into his superior.
"Some in the congregation have accused you of blasphemy after your last sermon. Do you know why?"
"I was just talking about the illness of one of our congregants," replies the young pastor. "That's when people got mad."
"That sounds odd. What did you say?"
"I said: 'God is good: Mr. Andrews is better'."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My wife is furious I bought a 12-year-old whiskey.
And the kid's mother tried to get me arrested.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Three women die and go to heaven.
While in heaven, God tells the women not to step on the grass while in heaven or they will be punished.
The grass is everywhere so they have to make an effort to avoid it. One girl steps on the grass and is instantly handcuffed to an ugly man. The other woman also steps on the grass and is instantly handcuffed to an ugly man for all eternity.
The last woman manages to avoid the grass for several years and feels that she should be rewarded. One day, a man suddenly appears handcuffed to her and she can’t believe her eyes at how handsome he is. She asks him, “are you the man of my dreams” and he responds, “I’m not sure but I just stepped on some grass”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
What do you call a 6.9?
A good time ruined by a period.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
My dog is a Pit bull Collie mix
After it ripped my arm off, it ran for help
#other
@Sickipedia
An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive sports car.
Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man.
"Look what you did to my car" he yells. "You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"
"Oh my" says the old man, "I don't have that kind of money.
Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he will know what to do."
"Dolphins" the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as his son answered, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, Your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need 10 grand right now or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp."
"I'll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly 10 minutes later a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road.
When he finished, he walked over to his father and said….
"For the last time dad, I train Seals, Navy Seals.....
NOT dolphins!"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Cybersecurity experts have found an easy way to spot North Korean hackers. They never use the shift key.
They hate capitalism.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What do you call a slut who keeps track of how many men she has slept with?
It's the thot that counts.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Ordered Jack and Coke. Bartender asked if Pepsi was ok. I said sure
So he made me a Pepsi and Coke
#other
@Sickipedia
A lifeguard caught me peeing in a pool and blew their whistle at me.
Scared me so much I almost fell in.
#other
@Sickipedia
A woman pregnant with triplets had a hunting accident with a pumpgun
She was rushed to surgery, but 3 of the bugshot shards could not get removed without endangering the kids, so they remained in her.
Later she delivers 2 boys and a girl, all healthy and well. Time goes by and nobody even thinks about the accident anymore, when they all become teenagers.
Then one day, one of the boys runs to him mum: "Mum, I was standing in front of the toilet, peeing, when suddenly i heard a sharp PLING-sound!" The mother, remembering the accident tells him not to worry about it, it wouldnt happen again.
The next day, the daughter comes running to her. "Mum, I was sitting on the toilet, peeing, when suddenly I heard a sharp PLING!" Again, the mother tells her not to worry, it would never happen again.
Again a day later, the last son came running to his mother. She said: "I know, you were peeing and you heard a weird sound, right?"
"No..." said the son, scratching his head. "I was jerking off, and when I came I somehow shot the cat!"
#other
@Sickipedia
It's St Peter's day off and Jesus is manning the Pearly Gates...
When an old man arrives seeking admission. Jesus starts running through the application form.
"Name?" says Jesus in bored tone of voice.
"Joseph." The old man replies.
"Occupation?" Jesus drone on.
"Carpenter." Jesus looks up a little surprised but he continues.
"Children?" Jesus asks hopefully.
"One boy" says the old man "but he was adopted really."
Jesus can't believe his senses, could his earthly father look so different now?
"Your son," asks Jesus "did he have holes in his hands like these?" showing off the results of his crucifixion.
"Yes!" Shouts the old man in delight.
"And did he have holes in his feet like these?" asks Jesus hitching up his robe.
"Yes he did!" says the old man, his eyes shining bright.
"Dad!" shouts Jesus his eyes flooding with tears of joy.
"Pinocchio!" shouts the old man.
#religion
@Sickipedia
A medical student was examining a skeleton
“Here once was a penis”, said the student.
The professor replied, “probably more than once, this is a female skeleton”.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Hitler held out a war for 6 years...
But shot himself 45 minutes after getting married.
#other
@Sickipedia
Every mushroom is edible at least once.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
What’s the best thing about transphobia?
It finally got people interested in women’s sports.
#other
@Sickipedia
A man goes home after being at his mistress' house
However, he realized that he smelled like her perfume. So then he goes to the nearby bar, drinks a couple of glasses of whiskey and heads home.
His wife met him at the door, smelled him and told him "You dirty pig! You can pour a gallon of women perfume over yourself and I'll know that you've been drinking".
#other
@Sickipedia
"Oh dear...this is just what I was afraid of", the doctor said as he looked over my x-rays
My heart dropped and I asked "wha…What is it, doctor??"
He paused and then solemnly answered: "Skeletons."
#other
@Sickipedia
A young punctuation couple, Mr. Apostrophe and Mrs. Comma…
A young punctuation couple, Mr. Apostrophe and Mrs. Comma, wanted to have a child, but sadly, could not. So, they decided to adopt a little Period and named him Edward. They loved Edward very much and he grew to be a fine young punctuation mark.
However, Edward knew he was different, as he didn't have a tail like his parents. When he got older, he started to ask Momma Comma why he was so different from her and Papa Apostrophe.
So, they sat Edward down and said to him, "It's time you knew the truth - You're a dot, Ed."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My new girlfriend has the same first name as my sister.
Which is quite odd, because now, when we have sex, I think about my girlfriend :(
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Sir Isaac Newton was completely WRONG about apples
They don't fall to the ground because of gravity.
It's natural selection.
Trees that produce apples that fall upwards don't have offspring
#other
@Sickipedia
A man has to go to the bathroom.
He enters and finds the only stall occupied.
He waits around for a few minutes, but the occupant doesn't move. He knocks on the Door and asks "Hey buddy, Sorry but I really gotta go, are you going to be long in there?"
The person inside replies with a thick accent:"What? Sorry no understand. My English not very good" "European?" Says the man "No" replies the one inside, "Ima shittin"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Mr. Smith and the pastor discuss the problem that Mrs. Smith always falls asleep during the sermon. The pastor gives Mr. Smith a hatpin and recommends that he prick her as soon as he receives a sign from the pastor.
The following Sunday, Mrs. Smith has fallen asleep peacefully, the pastor asks his congregation, "Who has sacrificed himself for you?" and gives Smith a hand signal, whereupon Smith jams the hatpin hard into Mrs. Smith's thigh. "JESUS!" she cries out in torment: "That's right, Mrs. Smith, it was Jesus," the priest replies with a grin.
A short time later, Mrs. Smith falls asleep again. The sermon continues and the pastor asks his congregation: "... Who is your Creator?" and points to Mr. Smith, who gives his wife the hatpin again. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" howls the poor woman loudly, whereupon the priest praises her again, "Quite right, Mrs. Smith!".
Mrs. Smith falls asleep once again. The pastor increases the tempo of the sermon. Completely engrossed in his holy remarks and gesticulating wildly, he shouts, "... and what did Eve say when she bore Adam his 99th son?" Smith misinterprets a hand movement of the priest and again takes full aim at the thigh of his wife. She roars in her pain: "IF YOU STICK YOUR DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT OFF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!""
AMEN!" shout all the women in the congregation.
#religion
@Sickipedia
If my son becomes a priest….
Do I call him son or father?
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
"A woman has a serious accident and ends up in the hospital undergoing surgery.
Her husband waits in the waiting room, distraught, when several hours later the surgeon exits the operating room and approaches him.
'Hello, the surgery went well. Unfortunately, the recovery will be very long. First, she'll need years of physical therapy, costing $2,000 per month.'
The husband starts to get worried. 'Then, she'll likely need more surgeries in the future, but they won't be covered by insurance and could amount to $100,000 to $150,000.'
The man starts to break into a cold sweat. 'And in reality, she'll need a high-quality wheelchair and a suitable vehicle for transporting the disabled, but with $30,000, you should manage.'
The husband, deeply concerned about the money, looks desperate. The doctor then pats him on the back and says,
'Don't worry dude, I was just kidding. She's dead!'
#illness
@Sickipedia
What don’t you want to hear in the middle of surgery?
“Where’s my watch?”
#other
@Sickipedia
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.
He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Why does Han Solo like gum?
Because it's chewy
#wordplay
@Sickipedia