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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A gorilla passed away at the zoo right before it opens for the day. It was the only gorilla in the zoo since they weren't a very profitable creature. However, the gorilla was very popular and the zoo couldnt afford to open without it.
The zoo manager asked one of his employees to wear a gorilla suit for an extra $100 a day to keep the customers satisfied until they found a replacement.
The employee agreed and quickly took his place in the enclosure. Once the zoo opened, the crowd loved the gorilla even more. People from all over came to see it.
However, a few weeks go by and the dazzle fizzles out. So to gain back interest, he climbs up the bars of the enclosure and hangs above the lions cage, swinging around and doing stunts.
The people stared in awe and shock as the spectacle continued. Suddenly the man's grip fails and he falls into the lion's cage. Afraid for his life, he screams "help! Help!"
A lion sneaks up from behind him and pounces on him, whispering in his ear. "Shut the fuck up or you're gonna get both of us fired".
#oldbutgold
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A sophisticated-looking lady was returning by plane from Switzerland.
She talked to the Father sitting next to her, "Excuse me, Father, may I ask you a favor?"
The priest replied, "Of course, my child, what can I do for you?"
The woman explained, "Here's my problem: I bought myself a new epilator and paid quite a lot of money for it. I think I've exceeded the limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it at customs. Could you possibly hide it under your robe while going through customs?"
The priest replied, "I can certainly do that, my child, but you know I cannot lie."
The woman said, "You have such an honest and innocent face, Father. I'm sure they won’t even question you."
She handed the expensive epilator to the priest. As the plane landed and the priest approached the customs, the officer asked, "Father, do you have any items to declare?"
The priest replied, "I have nothing to declare from my head to my belt, my child."
Finding this answer odd, the officer asked, "Well, what about the area below your belt?"
The priest responded, "There's a wonderful little device designed for the use of women. However, it has never been used!"
The customs officer, bursting into laughter, said, "Alright, Father, you can go. Next!"
#sexandshit
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As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough.”
#wordplay
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A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.
A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"
#wordplay
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A young pastor is called into his superior.
"Some in the congregation have accused you of blasphemy after your last sermon. Do you know why?"
"I was just talking about the illness of one of our congregants," replies the young pastor. "That's when people got mad."
"That sounds odd. What did you say?"
"I said: 'God is good: Mr. Andrews is better'."
#wordplay
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My wife is furious I bought a 12-year-old whiskey.
And the kid's mother tried to get me arrested.
#wordplay
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Three women die and go to heaven.
While in heaven, God tells the women not to step on the grass while in heaven or they will be punished.
The grass is everywhere so they have to make an effort to avoid it. One girl steps on the grass and is instantly handcuffed to an ugly man. The other woman also steps on the grass and is instantly handcuffed to an ugly man for all eternity.
The last woman manages to avoid the grass for several years and feels that she should be rewarded. One day, a man suddenly appears handcuffed to her and she can’t believe her eyes at how handsome he is. She asks him, “are you the man of my dreams” and he responds, “I’m not sure but I just stepped on some grass”
#oldbutgold
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What do you call a 6.9?
A good time ruined by a period.
#sexandshit
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My dog is a Pit bull Collie mix
After it ripped my arm off, it ran for help
#other
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An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive sports car.
Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man.
"Look what you did to my car" he yells. "You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"
"Oh my" says the old man, "I don't have that kind of money.
Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he will know what to do."
"Dolphins" the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as his son answered, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, Your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need 10 grand right now or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp."
"I'll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly 10 minutes later a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road.
When he finished, he walked over to his father and said….
"For the last time dad, I train Seals, Navy Seals.....
NOT dolphins!"
#wordplay
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Cybersecurity experts have found an easy way to spot North Korean hackers. They never use the shift key.
They hate capitalism.
#wordplay
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What do you call a slut who keeps track of how many men she has slept with?
It's the thot that counts.
#wordplay
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Ordered Jack and Coke. Bartender asked if Pepsi was ok. I said sure
So he made me a Pepsi and Coke
#other
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A lifeguard caught me peeing in a pool and blew their whistle at me.
Scared me so much I almost fell in.
#other
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A woman pregnant with triplets had a hunting accident with a pumpgun
She was rushed to surgery, but 3 of the bugshot shards could not get removed without endangering the kids, so they remained in her.
Later she delivers 2 boys and a girl, all healthy and well. Time goes by and nobody even thinks about the accident anymore, when they all become teenagers.
Then one day, one of the boys runs to him mum: "Mum, I was standing in front of the toilet, peeing, when suddenly i heard a sharp PLING-sound!" The mother, remembering the accident tells him not to worry about it, it wouldnt happen again.
The next day, the daughter comes running to her. "Mum, I was sitting on the toilet, peeing, when suddenly I heard a sharp PLING!" Again, the mother tells her not to worry, it would never happen again.
Again a day later, the last son came running to his mother. She said: "I know, you were peeing and you heard a weird sound, right?"
"No..." said the son, scratching his head. "I was jerking off, and when I came I somehow shot the cat!"
#other
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I was standing at an airport bar in International Departures when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate and Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, why the fuck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."
#racism
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If you think about it, both sides of the American civil war wanted the same thing in the end
Free black people
#wordplay
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Hitler held out a war for 6 years...
But shot himself 45 minutes after getting married.
#other
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Every mushroom is edible at least once.
#oldbutgold
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What’s the best thing about transphobia?
It finally got people interested in women’s sports.
#other
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A man goes home after being at his mistress' house
However, he realized that he smelled like her perfume. So then he goes to the nearby bar, drinks a couple of glasses of whiskey and heads home.
His wife met him at the door, smelled him and told him "You dirty pig! You can pour a gallon of women perfume over yourself and I'll know that you've been drinking".
#other
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"Oh dear...this is just what I was afraid of", the doctor said as he looked over my x-rays
My heart dropped and I asked "wha…What is it, doctor??"
He paused and then solemnly answered: "Skeletons."
#other
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A young punctuation couple, Mr. Apostrophe and Mrs. Comma…
A young punctuation couple, Mr. Apostrophe and Mrs. Comma, wanted to have a child, but sadly, could not. So, they decided to adopt a little Period and named him Edward. They loved Edward very much and he grew to be a fine young punctuation mark.
However, Edward knew he was different, as he didn't have a tail like his parents. When he got older, he started to ask Momma Comma why he was so different from her and Papa Apostrophe.
So, they sat Edward down and said to him, "It's time you knew the truth - You're a dot, Ed."
#wordplay
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My new girlfriend has the same first name as my sister.
Which is quite odd, because now, when we have sex, I think about my girlfriend :(
#oldbutgold
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Sir Isaac Newton was completely WRONG about apples
They don't fall to the ground because of gravity.
It's natural selection.
Trees that produce apples that fall upwards don't have offspring
#other
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A man has to go to the bathroom.
He enters and finds the only stall occupied.
He waits around for a few minutes, but the occupant doesn't move. He knocks on the Door and asks "Hey buddy, Sorry but I really gotta go, are you going to be long in there?"
The person inside replies with a thick accent:"What? Sorry no understand. My English not very good" "European?" Says the man "No" replies the one inside, "Ima shittin"
#wordplay
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Mr. Smith and the pastor discuss the problem that Mrs. Smith always falls asleep during the sermon. The pastor gives Mr. Smith a hatpin and recommends that he prick her as soon as he receives a sign from the pastor.
The following Sunday, Mrs. Smith has fallen asleep peacefully, the pastor asks his congregation, "Who has sacrificed himself for you?" and gives Smith a hand signal, whereupon Smith jams the hatpin hard into Mrs. Smith's thigh. "JESUS!" she cries out in torment: "That's right, Mrs. Smith, it was Jesus," the priest replies with a grin.
A short time later, Mrs. Smith falls asleep again. The sermon continues and the pastor asks his congregation: "... Who is your Creator?" and points to Mr. Smith, who gives his wife the hatpin again. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" howls the poor woman loudly, whereupon the priest praises her again, "Quite right, Mrs. Smith!".
Mrs. Smith falls asleep once again. The pastor increases the tempo of the sermon. Completely engrossed in his holy remarks and gesticulating wildly, he shouts, "... and what did Eve say when she bore Adam his 99th son?" Smith misinterprets a hand movement of the priest and again takes full aim at the thigh of his wife. She roars in her pain: "IF YOU STICK YOUR DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT OFF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!""
AMEN!" shout all the women in the congregation.
#religion
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If my son becomes a priest….
Do I call him son or father?
#wordplay
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"A woman has a serious accident and ends up in the hospital undergoing surgery.
Her husband waits in the waiting room, distraught, when several hours later the surgeon exits the operating room and approaches him.
'Hello, the surgery went well. Unfortunately, the recovery will be very long. First, she'll need years of physical therapy, costing $2,000 per month.'
The husband starts to get worried. 'Then, she'll likely need more surgeries in the future, but they won't be covered by insurance and could amount to $100,000 to $150,000.'
The man starts to break into a cold sweat. 'And in reality, she'll need a high-quality wheelchair and a suitable vehicle for transporting the disabled, but with $30,000, you should manage.'
The husband, deeply concerned about the money, looks desperate. The doctor then pats him on the back and says,
'Don't worry dude, I was just kidding. She's dead!'
#illness
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What don’t you want to hear in the middle of surgery?
“Where’s my watch?”
#other
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