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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
What's worse that dementia?
What's worse than dementia?
#illness
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What is unhealthy, bad for your teeth, has billions of calories and isn’t good to have sex with?
Uranium
#other
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I can't take my dog to the park anymore. The ducks attack him.
That's what I get for having a pure bread dog.
#wordplay
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During the USSR regime a communist governor is visiting one of the small towns in his district
The mayor of the town is excited to show the governor how dedicated his people are to the communist party, so as they are walking through the town bazaar, he pulls one of the farmers aside
to ask him a couple of questions.
He asked "Comrade, if you had two apartments, wouldn't you be happy to donate one to the communist party?" and the guy replied "Off course comrade mayor, I would be happy contribute to the motherland". The mayor went on "And if you had two automobiles, wouldn't you be happy to donate one of them to the communist party?" and the guy said "Off course, it would be an honor".
The governor is very impressed, but the mayor decided to keep going "And comrade, if you had two cows, wouldn't you also happily donate one back to the people?". At this the farmer hesitated and with a dismayed look said "No, that I would not donate". Puzzled, the mayor asks him "But if you would donate an apartment and a car, why wouldn't you donate a cow?" The farmer looks back at him and says "Well, I actually have two cows..."
#politics
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Chuck Norris killed 50 enemy combatants with a hand grenade.
Then the grenade exploded.
#oldbutgold
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The animal brothel.
A little mouse, after a tiring week of work, decides to visit an animal brothel for some entertainment.
The fox madam, upon seeing him arrive, offers, 'If you'd like, there's Sarah the pythoness, a new arrival.'
The mouse accepts and goes to Sarah's room. As soon as she sees him enter, the pythoness mistakes him for dinner and swallows him whole.
After a while, the madam comes to inform the mouse that his time is up, and not finding him, she senses the situation.
'Sarah, spit him out immediately, he's a paying customer!' The snake spits out the mouse, who, once free, exclaims
'Oh my God! Best blowjob of my life!'
#sexandshit
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A man walks straight into a gay bar…
Then he comes out.
#wordplay
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A father and his ten year old son were in the grocery store…
…and the son was throwing a penny up and catching it. After several successful attempts, he threw it up, lost it in a light and it went into his mouth. He started choking which caused the father to start freaking out and yelling for a doctor.
A well dressed woman walked over, calmly reached down and squeezed the boy’s testicles through his clothes. He immediately spit up the penny and stopped choking. She didn’t say a word and walked away.
After making sure his son was okay, the father found the woman to thank her and said, “I’ve never heard of that before, are you a doctor or something?”
She replied, “Actually no, I’m a divorce attorney.”
#other
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The holy Bible teaches us to love one another.
The Kama Sutra is a little more specific.
#sexandshit
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When does a joke become a “dad joke”?
When it becomes “apparent”.
#wordplay
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It started raining just as I got home from work
You could say that it just mist me
#wordplay
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A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track.
The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it.
He applies brakes hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. The train driver jumps and walks to the boy who had just finished and was standing up and zipping up his pants.
The driver shouts at the boy "Do you realize that if I had not seen you, this would have been ur last f...!!!
Boy -'Listen dude, you were coming... She was coming.... and I was coming.... then I realized ....only You have Brakes.
#sexandshit
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Why do some women prefer doggy style
They hate to see a man have a good time
#sexandshit
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This Halloween I went as a 'former gifted student.'
I just wore normal clothes, and when people asked me what I was supposed to be, I sighed and said "I was supposed to be a lot of things."
#other
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What weighs more, a gallon of water, or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
#wordplay
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Dyslexia is just “daily sex” spelt backwards
#other
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A lottery ticket is a weird gift to give someone
it’s like “Here. This has a 99% chance of being disappointing. I saw it and thought of you”
#other
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I was on a cruise recently.
One morning, the ship was passing very close to a small island. As I was admiring the serenity of this far off place, a ruckus occurred.
On the island, a man came running out from the thickness of the brush. His hair was down to his waist and his beard almost the same. His clothes were tattered straps, barely covering his beet red skin. He was frantically waving his arms around as he jumped up and down. And he seemed to be yelling something.
The captain of the ship happened to be on a morning stroll around the deck, so I grabbed his attention and brought him to my spot on the rail.
"Captain, there, on that island. There's a man over there. What do you think he's yelling?" I asked.
"Oh, don't mind him", the captain replied. "He does this every 3 months when we pass by".
#other
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Five Jewish Women Go Out for Dinner
After their meals arrive, the waiter comes over and asks, "Ladies, is anything alright?"
#other
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A woman comes home early, and finds her husband in bed with a girl.
She is furious, threatens to kill them both... the husband says:
- Believe me, darling, this is just a misunderstanding. I was driving home, and saw this young lady trying to catch a ride. So I decided to give her a lift. I ask her where she needs to go, and she tells me she wants to visit some relatives, but isn't sure about their address. So, I took her home so she could check our phonebook.
- Once there, I saw her dress is pretty ragged, so I decided to give her your old dress. Nearly two years that it's been hanging in the closet, and you never wore it.
- Then, I saw her shoes are also about to fall apart, so I gave her your old shoes, which have been doing nothing but collecting dust for three years. Of course, she said thanks, and then asked:
"Excuse me sir, but is there anything else in this house your wife never uses?"
#oldbutgold
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A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.
The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has a myocardial infarction.
A bystander witnesses the entire event and quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei.
The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?"
"It's hard to say."
#wordplay
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A billionaire hires a painter of murals to come to his mansion…
…when he gets there, he calls the painter in into a large room and shows him a plain white wall that’s 20 feet high and 50 feet across. He says to the guy, “I’ve always been fascinated by General Custer so on this wall I want you paint your interpretation of Custer’s last stand. I’m going out of town for a few months and when I come back, I would like it to be finished.”
The painter agrees and the billionaire leaves town. He comes back after a few months and anxiously goes to look at the painting. What he sees shocks him. In the middle of it, there is a cow with a halo in his head. All around the cow are Native Americans engaged in every conceivable sex act you could think of.
Enraged, he calls the painter to the room and yells at him, “What is this pornographic filth?! I wanted art, not pornography!”
Calmly the painter asks, “You wanted my interpretation of Custer’s last stand, right?” The billionaire agrees and the painter says, “Well, there you go. I call it “Holy Cow, Look at All Those Fucking Indians.”
#wordplay
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A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise. The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, bondage and even a dog. After a while watching the adult movie, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music." "Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
What is it called when an unvaccinated kid goes swimming?
Water polio.
#wordplay
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How many crypto miners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A thousand. One to change the lightbulb and the other 999 to verify
#other
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A priest takes the bus.
After a while, a drunkard sits next to him. The drunkard pulls out a newspaper, starts to read and turns to the priest.
Drunkard: "Excuse me father. What's spondylosis ?"
Priest: "Spondylosis is a disease caused by a messy lifestyle, the company of women with a questionable past, consumption of alcohol and tobacco in exagerated ammounts and drunken parties which end with nights spent in brothels"
Drunkard: "Ouch! I would have never guessed !"
Priest: "I'm sorry if I offended you. How long have you been suffering from spondylosis ?"
Drunkard: "Me ? Oh no I never had such problems. But I red in the paper that the Pope has spondylosis!"
#oldbutgold
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A husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop..
A Husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 10 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
Soon, the bus arrives, but it is overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up."
#wordplay
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A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star."
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name!
The van Lesbian name is centuries old.
I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years.. you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!
I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000.
The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed:
"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.
You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.
After I left your office, I thought about what you said.
I decided you were right.
I had to change my name.
I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.
I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What is the difference between your dick and your jokes?
No one laughing at your jokes.
#roast
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A dad told his 15 year old son that he would buy him a car…
…in 6 months on his 16th birthday if he (the son) got a job, made all “A’s” in school, started going to church every week and cut his hair. The son agreed to do all four things.
Six months go by and the dad told his son, “Son, you got a job, you are going to church every Sunday and are making all “A’s” in school. But you also agreed to cut your hair, which you have not done. So I’m sorry, but I will not buy you a car.”
The son said, “Dad, like you said, I’ve been going to church every week and I’ve been looking at all the pictures of Jesus and HE had long hair, so why can’t I?”
The dad replied, “He did have long hair and he also walked everywhere!”
#religion
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