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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good grief!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
#other
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October is Dwarfism awareness month.
This surprised me, because I'd have thought it would have been February...
#other
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What are the 3 best things you can say during sex and a soccer match?
"Has to be the quickest finish ever."
"He pulled it out at the last moment! What a save!"
"I think the grass is a little bit too long."
#sexandshit
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Q. What's the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?
A. One of them is an elephant.
#wordplay
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Why do 50% of married men not fall asleep after sex?
Because they still need to drive home
#sexandshit
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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with that one!). Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."
#other
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My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot...
but honestly... I'm not a fan.
#wordplay
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Mrs O'Malley, who lived in a seaside town, was continually annoyed by the seagulls that would roost on her roof and leave their smelly droppings on her rose bushes.
One day, seeing a flock of them through her front window, she charged out of her front door waving her broom wildly and yelling, "FUCK OFF, YA BASTARDS!" Unfortunately, Father Flanagan happened to be walking past at the time.
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Father," she said. "I didn't see you there."
"Ah, Mrs O'Malley," said the priest, "you needn't be so cross with God's poor creatures. They are only doing what comes naturally to them. Just speak to them gently, like this: 'Shoo! Shoo!' and the bastards will fuck off just the same."
#other
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Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are you going to travel with only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train, and the accountants take their seats, while the three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around to collect tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.
The accountants are impressed by this clever trick. On the way back from the conference, they decide to try the same tactic and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one of the accountants.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The three accountants cram into one restroom, and the three engineers cram into another restroom nearby.
Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom, walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding, knocks on the door, and says, "Ticket, please."
#oldbutgold
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I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive.
My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.
#wordplay
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My girlfriend broke up with me because of my constant zodiac jokes
I'm so sad that something so simple Taurus apart
#wordplay
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3500 years ago, the Greeks discovered that you couldn't get pregnant through anal sex.
700 years later, the Romans discovered that it also worked with women.
#sexandshit
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What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe?
Kilometery Cyrus
#wordplay
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A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.
The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”
Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.”
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”
#other
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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
#other
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I am a man of my word.
That word is “unreliable.”
#wordplay
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A priest goes on a safari in Africa. He gets separated from the group and has the bad luck of finding himself alone, facing a hungry lion. Priest: "Dear Lord, I haven't asked for much in life, but if it is of Thy all-knowing will, please concede me the grace that this lion be imbued with Christian moral and values!"
A sound of trumpets echoes in the sky and a heavenly beam of light shines upon the lion, who now is able to speak. The lion: "Oh Lord, we give Thee thanks for this meal that we are about to receive!"
#oldbutgold
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It was a long day at the gates of heaven, and St Peter was ready to go home
Long
The final man in line walked up. He was a little man, wearing a tuxedo which looked like it had been scorched, and he was holding a golden baton. The man's appearance was otherwise unremarkable, but for the gigantic, shit eating smile on his face.
"What happened to you, sir?"
"I got hit by lightning in the middle of the 5th Symphony."
"Well that's shocking. I have to ask... why are you smiling?"
"I can finally say ‘screw you, Luther!’”
"Who's Luther?"
"He's the first chair violinist, and he hated me."
"So why does this effect Luther?"
"He always said I was a bad conductor"
#wordplay
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The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks “Why in the world are you dressed like this?“
The Cowboy says, “Well it’s like this Sheriff… I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt . so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants…so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts… so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy..' and here I am.”
#sexandshit
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I was having a quiet drink in a local bar and this guy squared up to me and said ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’
I replied: ‘Is that a fret?
#wordplay
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My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body...
207... 206 207... 206 207... 206
#sexandshit
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What the hot bride said to her stockbroker husband the day after they were married?
Past performance is not indicative of future returns
#sexandshit
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A Pakistani politician is visiting Spain, where he meets an old friend who's a minister in Spain.
Visiting the minister's house, the Pakistani sees that his friend lives in luxury and asks him the secret.
The Minister takes him to the window and shows him a bridge. "You see that bridge over there? It cost 20 million, but I fudged the bills to 30 million."
Impressed, the Pakistani leaves. Years later, the minister visits Pakistan with a delegation and decides to visit his friend.
The Spaniard is surprised at the opulent lifestyle of his Pakistani friend and asks him his secret.
"Well, I got the idea from you," the Pakistani says, "See that bridge over there?"
"There is no bridge!"
"Exactly"
#politics
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A little man sits sadly in the bar with a beer in front of him.
A large, bad guy walks along, smacks him on the shoulder and drinks his beer happily.
The little man begins to cry with desperation, sobbing.
The big one: "Don't be like that, ya plump wimp! Crying for a beer!"
The little one: "Well then, listen up. This morning my wife left me, our account was cleared, and the house was empty! After that I lost my job! I didn't want to live anymore, so I put myself on the railway track... no train came! Then I wanted to hang myself... the rope ripped! Wanted to shoot myself... Revolver jams! And now I bought myself a beer with my last money, poured all my rat poison into it and you just drank it away!”
#oldbutgold
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What do you call a ghosts breasts?
Paranormal Entitties
#wordplay
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Doctor: "You're terminal. You haven't more than six months left to live."
"I want a second opinion." "You're also ugly."
#other
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Is finding out your spouse sucked hundreds of dicks before getting married really such a big deal?
Or is my wife overreacting?
#sexandshit
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A man's wife dies young.
The funeral is heartbreaking. The poll bearers pick up the casket and are moving through the hallway of the funeral home when the casket hits a corner and opens, the body falling out. Miraculously the woman stands up, alive and well!
40 years later, the wife dies again. The funeral is heartbreaking, again. The poll bearers pick up the casket and are moving through the hallway of the same funeral home when they get up to the same corner. The husband yells out "watch out for that corner"
#other
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Everyone knows smoking causes cancer
But have you heard it can also cure salmon?
#wordplay
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