13643
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
This Halloween I went as a 'former gifted student.'
I just wore normal clothes, and when people asked me what I was supposed to be, I sighed and said "I was supposed to be a lot of things."
#other
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What weighs more, a gallon of water, or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
#wordplay
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A man walks into a bar and notices a jar filled with $10 bills. He asks the bartender what it's for, and the bartender explains,
"We have a challenge here. If you can complete three tasks, you get all the money in the jar." Intrigued, the man asks what the tasks are. The bartender says, "First, you have to drink an entire gallon of hot sauce without crying. Second, there's a pit bull out back with a bad tooth, and you have to pull it out. Finally, our 90-year-old landlady upstairs hasn't had a good time in years. You need to give her an unforgettable night."
The man considers the tasks and then asks about the prize money in the jar. The bartender replies, "Well, there's about $3,000 in there right now." The man thinks it over and says, "No way. I'm not going to do all that for $3,000." A few drinks later, the man asks the bartender, "Where's that jar again?" He looks at it and thinks about the money, then orders a gallon of hot sauce. He downs it without shedding a tear, his face turning bright red in the process.
With determination, he stumbles to his feet and heads out to the back. The bar patrons hear growling, snarling, and yelping, followed by a long, painful scream. The man stumbles back into the bar, his clothes torn and covered in dirt and blood. He gasps for breath and asks, "So, where's that old lady with the bad tooth?"
#sexandshit
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A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt, and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
“I’d like some raisin bread please,” the man says.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is “having company for dinner.”
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what’s going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips, she is tired, irritated and begins to wonder “why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?”
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man,
Is it raisin for you too?” “No,” stammers the old man, “but it’s quivering a little.”
#wordplay
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A guy had a massive crush on this woman.
He was so enchanted by her that every time he saw her he got an instant hard-on.
In order to avoid any embarrassment from such an obvious happenstance he decided to call her and ask her out over the phone.
To his surprise she agreed and they made plans.
As soon as he hung up he thought, “Shit, what am I gonna do? I'll get a hard-on as soon as I see her and she'll never talk to me again."
So, man-like, he came up with what he thought was the perfect solution to him problem. He duct-taped and tied his man thing to his leg.
On date night he went up to her door, doublechecked his work with a pat on his leg and rang the doorbell, but when she opened the door he kicked her in the face.
#sexandshit
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A guy goes to confession and tells the priest that he committed all 7 deadly sins in one day.
He says "I was trying to get money together for the perfect house and someone bought it first. I got so angry and envious that I disguised myself as the utilities man and went over while he was at work. I seduced his wife and when she was showering I stole all the cash and jewelry I could find. Then I ate everything I could find in the pantry and napped on and off until just before he came home."
The priest says, "How about Pride, you missed one,"
The guy says, "Nah, I'm really really proud!"
#religion
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A farmer was on his way to bed when his wife said he had forgotten to turn off the light in the garage.
The garage was adjacent to the house and the farmer opened the back door to go and turn it off, but suddenly discovered that there were people outside who were breaking in.
He called the police, who asked if someone had entered the house.
He said no. The police replied that all the police cars were busy and therefore advised him to lock all the doors and that they would send a car when one became available.
OK, said the farmer, hung up, and counted to thirty. Then he called the police again. “hey, I just called about someone breaking into the garage. Now you don't have to come, because I have shot them"
Then he hung up.
Within minutes, 6 police cars, a helicopter, a fire truck, and two ambulances were on the scene. They caught the thieves in the act.
One of the policemen went up to the farmer and said, "Didn't you say you shot them?"
The farmer replied: "- and I think you said you didn't have any police patrols available..."
#other
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A woman goes to the doctor and says...
"Doctor I want to have a baby but my husband is adamant that he doesn't want any children. What can I do?"
The doctor tells her that the next time she goes to have sex with her husband, take a sewing needle and poke holes in the tip of the condom.
The next day the woman goes back to the doctor and says, "Doctor it didn't work, after I poked holes in the condom my husband didn't want to have sex anymore, but I'm sure he didn't see me do it."
The doctor says, "Yes I saw him earlier. Next time do it before you put the condom on him."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A woman is at her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the cat that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Bubbles!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the cat and yelled, "Dammit Bubbles!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip.
This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the cat with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Bubbles, get away from her before she shits on you!"
#other
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A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of the house in a beautiful Porsche.
Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.
“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock. “I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly. “With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a Porsche costs and you cannot afford it!” “Well, it’s used and I got a good deal” says the boy, “This one cost me 20 dollars.” “Who on earth would sell a car like that for 20 dollars?!” “The woman up the street,” the boy replies. “I don’t know her name–she just moved in. She ordered a pizza and when I delivered it to her, she asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for 20 dollars.”
The boy’s dad and mom hurry over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting flowers in her front yard.
“I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $20,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you!” “Well,” the woman says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.” “What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?” The boy’s mom asks, utterly perplexed. The new neighbor smiles very big, and pauses for a minute. “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
#oldbutgold
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My wife thinks our friend is lying when he claimed that he scaled Mount Everest, but I disagree.
I think..he made it up.
#wordplay
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I told my girlfriend that I had a crush on Beyonce!
“Whatever floats your boat”
I replied “No that’s Buoyancy”
#wordplay
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Why was the keyboard exhausted after work?
Because it had two shifts.
#wordplay
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An expecting couple went to the doctor to get an ultrasound done
The doctor told them that their child looked good, but that there was some anomaly or complication, so he asked them to come back next week.
The next week, the doctor did another ultrasound, and informed the couple that they were actually going to have twins. He also noted there was again some anomaly or complication, and asked them to come back the next week.
Another week later, the couple comes in for a third time, and the doctor performs another ultrasound. This time the doctor informs them that they're not having twins, but triplets.
At this point the husband tells the doctor, "We're not coming in next week."
#other
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My sex life is so bad.
My hand says it has a headache.
#sexandshit
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What is the difference between your dick and your jokes?
No one laughing at your jokes.
#roast
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A dad told his 15 year old son that he would buy him a car…
…in 6 months on his 16th birthday if he (the son) got a job, made all “A’s” in school, started going to church every week and cut his hair. The son agreed to do all four things.
Six months go by and the dad told his son, “Son, you got a job, you are going to church every Sunday and are making all “A’s” in school. But you also agreed to cut your hair, which you have not done. So I’m sorry, but I will not buy you a car.”
The son said, “Dad, like you said, I’ve been going to church every week and I’ve been looking at all the pictures of Jesus and HE had long hair, so why can’t I?”
The dad replied, “He did have long hair and he also walked everywhere!”
#religion
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My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...
...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.
"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".
The night finally came. Dressed in my Jedi robe I slowly opened the bedroom door. The room was dark. I could only barely make out my wife's pale naked body, posed sensually on the bed.
I slowly remove my robe, revealing the faint blue glow of my 'lightsaber'
'Hello there,' I say, in my best sexy Obi Wan accent
'General Kenobi,' she replied, as four other 'Lightsabers' appeared behind her
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A woman tells her lawyer, "I want to divorce my husband."
The lawyer asks, "On what grounds?"
The woman replies, "Grounds? Well we have two acres at the edge of town with a big yard and some peach trees."
The lawyer says, "No, that's not what I meant. Do you have some sort of grudge?"
The woman answers, "Yes, we have a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage."
Now getting frustrated the lawyer asks, "Does he beat you up?"
The woman answers, "No, I'm up by 6:00 and sometimes he doesn't get up until after I've left for work."
The lawyer yells out, "Lady, just tell me why you want to get a divorce!"
The woman says, "We just can't seem to communicate."
#other
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What do you call when a fish has no eyes?
FSH
#wordplay
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I went to a fancy dress party naked with my wife on my back
The guy at the door laughed and asked what the heck I'd come as. I said a ninja Turtle. He asked so what's up with the lady on your back? I said that's Michelle.
#wordplay
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I'm a comedian ..
My pronouns are 'he he'.
#wordplay
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A man and his wife and his mother in law went on vacation to the Holy Land...
While they were there, the mother in law passed away.
The undertaker told them you can have her shipped home for $5000 or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00.
The man thought about it, told him he'd just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked why would you spend $5000 to ship your mother in law home when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only $150.00?
The man replied. A man died here 2000 years ago. He was buried here. Three days later he rose from the dead.
I just can't take that chance.
#oldbutgold
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I received a warning at work for poor performance.
We've got 4 sales-people in total. Over the past month Jack [the boss's son] has sold nothing. Alex has made £1000, in sales. I've made £5000, and the top guy made £16000.
I got the warning for my performance being below average.
I told them "That's just mean"
#wordplay
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I went on a job interview, Interviewer asks, Do you have any experience?
Me: Yes, of course, "This is my 20th interview"
#other
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What do you call intense French sex?
Balzac in Debussy
#wordplay
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A man walks into a bar and says "All lawyers are assholes!"
Another guy in the bar says "hey watch what you say". First guy says "why are you a lawyer". Guy says "no I'm an asshole"
#oldbutgold
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A baby camel asks his father, “Dad, why do we have a hump on our back?”
The dad replies, "So that we can store water in those."
He then asks, "Why do we have hooves then?"
The dad replies, "To prevent our feet from sinking in the sand."
After thinking this over, he then asks, "Then why do we have big eyelids?”
The dad replies, "To prevent the sand from entering our eyes."
The baby camel finally asks, "Dad, what the hell are we doing in a zoo?"
#other
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This morning, my wife successfully finished a 40-week bodybuilding program...
The result:
It's a baby girl and weighs 7lbs 14 oz.
I am a Dad!
#wordplay
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