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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Convincing your girlfriend that she's crazy is called gaslighting and it's a dick move.
Convincing her that she's a robot with artificial intelligence and implanted memories is called bladerunning and it's a Philip K. Dick move.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over.
The cop says to the man:
- Do you know that you were speeding, sir?
- No officer, I didn't know I was speeding...
The wife then says:
- Come on, Henry, you knew you were speeding, I've been telling you to slow down for miles.
The man shoots a dark look at his wife, then the cop says:
- Well, since I've got you pulled over did, do you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?
- No sir, I did not know that...
The wife says:
- Oh please, Henry! I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!
The husband grinds his teeth but keep silent. The cop then adds:
- And I noticed that you left rear lights weren't working either.
- Oh yes, I was on my way to get them changed, actually.
The wife says:
- Nonsense, we were going home. You keep saying it doesn't need to be changed, that the other drivers can see you well enough.
The man explodes with anger:
- WILL YOU SHUT YOUR GODDAMN PIEHOLE, YOU BITCH?
The cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her:
- Does he always talk to you this way?
- Oh no, officer, only when he's been drinking.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
There was this gas station trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon Bubba pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Bubba guessed 8 and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".
Some time thereafter, Bubba, along with his buddy Cletus, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. Bubba guessed 2 this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, Bubba said to Cletus, "I think this is a scam.... that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". Cletus replied, "No, it's not rigged — my wife went there twice last week and won both times."
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
3 priests are out fishing on a boat..
One of them says "We should confess our sins to one another."
The first one says "I have a gambling problem, I sneak out at night and gamble away all my money..
The second one says "I have an addiction to porn and can't stop looking at it."
The third one says "I am a gossip and can't wait to get off this boat."
#other
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A guy was in a job interview
"Describe yourself using three words"
"Lazy"
#other
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A Jew and a Christian crash into eachother's cars. The Jew says, "It's a Jewish tradition to have a drink after an accident." The Christian takes the drink, but the Jew declines, saying, "I'm just waiting for after the police arrive.
#other
@Sickipedia
Why was Fibonacci afraid of 5?
Because 5, 8, 13.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I am so broke…
That people break into my house and leave me food.
#other
@Sickipedia
I have a lot of fat friends.
Well, just two but it seems like a lot more
#roast
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A Frenchman, an Italian and a Russian all end up in hell. The Frenchman begs to make one last call home to see how his family is coping. The devil says fine, it’ll cost you an extra thousand years in the flames. The Frenchman agrees, and tearfully listens to his wife doing his brother.
The Italian begs to call home to see how his daughters are doing. That’ll be an extra thousand years in the flaming pit, says the devil. So be it, says the Italian, and weeps as he listens to his children selling the farm.
Now I want to call home, says the Russian, and grabs the receiver. He hears his neighbours robbing his house. How much is that, he asks the devil, who replies that it costs nothing. How dare you, shouts the Russian, you took a thousand agonising years off the frog and the eyetie, what’s wrong? Is my pain not good enough for you?
No, no, says the devil, local calls are free.
#russians
@Sickipedia
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
....with a silent 'cr'.
#roast
@Sickipedia
My wife said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 2 35 pm.
#other
@Sickipedia
I yelled "Cow!" at a woman on a bike. She gave me the finger. Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.
#other
@Sickipedia
What's the best way to insult a guy who forgot to zip up his fly?
"Don't worry - it's no big thing!"
#roast
@Sickipedia
Anyone can masturbate under the sheet
But it takes skill to do it without the barber noticing.
#sexandshit
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A small man goes to prison and gets sent to his cell.
When he meets his new cellmate, he finds out it's this enormous Michael Clark Duncan looking black guy. The cellmate tells him "Hey boy, you and me? We're married now!!! So do you want to be the husband, or you want to be the wife?" The little man replies back "Oh god..... I really don't want to do this, but if I have to.... I guess I'd rather be the husband." The enormous cellmate replies back "Okay, honey, that sounds good to me. Now get over here, and suck your wife's dick!!!"
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Abdul was going through bit of a rough patch in his marriage.
So after work, he decided to pay his Imam a visit.
He said "I have been going through some problems with my wife, she seems like she is always angry at me, what do I do?"
The Imam replied "You should spend more time with your wife, appreciate her role in your life, maybe praise her cooking once in a while."
Satisfied with the advice, Abdul goes back home and his wife has set the dinner table. As he's having dinner he says "Darling, the food is very good today."
To his surprise, his wife is upset with that and she says "21 years we've been married to each other and you've never appreciated my cooking, the one day I get food from the neighbours, you like it?"
#other
@Sickipedia
A Turk, a Frenchman and an Englishman were traveling by train.
When it got hot in their room in the train, the Frenchman opened the window and a fly flew in.
To show his skill, the Frenchman drew his sword and hit the fly with one blow and it split in two. While the others looked on in amazement, the Frenchman took his business card out of his pocket and handed it to the Englishman and Turk. And it said "The best swordsman in France".
Seeing this, the Englishman immediately opened the window and another fly flew in. He drew his bow and threw an arrow, the fly got stuck to the wall, he took out his business card from his pocket and it said "The best archer in England".
Then the Turk opened the window, another fly came in, Turk took his knife out of his pocket and threw it at the fly. The fly fell to the ground and after a few minutes and flew back.
Seeing this, the Englishman and the Frenchman burst out laughing and the Turk took his business card out of his pocket and gave it to the Englishman and the Frenchman.
"Fastest circumciser in Turkey"
#other
@Sickipedia
A redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having their babies. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said "congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, 5 big baby boys."
The redneck said "I am not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney." The nurse replied, "you might want to get it cleaned because they are all black."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Did you hear about the Russian plane that had to land in the middle of a corn crop?
Don’t worry, that pilot is the best in the field.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
2 boys were talking and one said to the other, "There is an easy way to earn money..The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret."The boy jumps up to his dad, "I know your secret!" dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10."The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!"mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15."The boy then tries it on the mail man, "I know your secret!" The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"
#other
@Sickipedia
4 Friends meet 30 years after school.
One goes to the toilet while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.
No. 1 says his son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a ferrari.
No. 2 said his son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet.
No. 3 said his son became an engineer, started his own development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle.
No 4. came back from toilet and asks what the buzz is about.
They told him they were talking about how successfull their sons became and ask him about his son.
He said his son is gay and is a Stripper at a Gay bar.
Other 3 said he must be very disappointed with his son for not becoming successful.
" O no !! " said the father, he is doing good.
" Last week was his birthday and he got a ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends..."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A 90 year-old mother is on her deathbed. Summoning her last bit of strength, she lifts her head and whispers: "Is my beloved husband John here with me?" And John says, "Yes, I am here."
She then says: "Are my children — my wonderful children — are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes Mother, we are here with you to see you breathe your last."
And she says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell her that they are there.
So the mother lays back quietly, closes her eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
At a religious school, a teacher asks her pre-school class which part of their body they think goes to Heaven first.
“I think it’s your hands!” a boy answers.
“Why is that?” the teacher asks.
“Because when you pray, you put your hands in front of you,” the boy explains.
“Very good answer!” the teacher compliments. “Does anyone else have another answer?”
“I think it’s your legs!” a girl replies.
“Why is that?” the teacher asks.
“Because,” the girl explains, “last night, when I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s room, Mommy had her legs high up in the air and was screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming! I’m coming!’ If Daddy wasn’t lying on top of her holding her down, God might’ve taken her.”
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Three mice are drinking at a bar talking about which one is the toughest. The first mouse takes a shot and says "I'm so tough the people living in my house put rat poison out, and I simply grab it, break it up, and put it in my morning coffee!"
The second mouse takes a shot and says "That's nothing. They try to get me with a mouse trap. I just grab the cheese and when the lever comes flying down I lay on my back catch it and bench press it 20 times."
The third one takes his shot, slams it down, and stands up. "I don't have time for this. I've got to go home and fuck the cat."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
9/11.
9/11 who?
You said you’d never forget!
#other
@Sickipedia
A man met this lady at a bar and they decided to go to her place to have sex after the bar closed...
They're in the bedroom and he takes off his shoes and socks."My goodness what happened to you're feet?"She asks.
"I had tolio," He replied. "Dont you mean polio?" She asks."No. This just affected my feet. It's called toelio."She thought nothing of it and continued to undress. He takes off his pants and immediately she screams,"What happened to your knees?"I had kneesles."he said."Don't you mean measles,"she asked."No.This type only effects the knees.Its called kneesles. When he took off his shorts she said,"Let me guess, Smallcox."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A man had a 25" long penis and it created difficulties in his life as it was not easy to move around with it and women were afraid of him too. He also had a very high pitched voice.
He went to see a doctor. "What can I do about my enormous penis?" he asked in a high pitched voice.
The doctor examined him carefully. "Your penis is so large that you can't get any blood to your vocal chords. But we can do a penis transplant, to give you a normal sized penis, and that will fix your voice."
The man thought about it. "Okay," he said in his high pitched voice.
He woke up after the operation and he felt great. His new penis was a normal size. He could walk, he could run, and best of all, his voice was completely normal!
But after a few weeks he realized having a 25-inch penis was pretty cool. Finally he went back to the doctor. "I've thought about it and I would like to undo the operation."
"That's impossible," the doctor said in a high pitched voice.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
You should not type 'U' instead of "You" when you post
Do you younderstand me?
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A woman dies and goes to the afterlife. They tell her:
- You were a righteous woman in your life. You may go to Heaven, here is the queue.
She joins the queue, starts waiting... suddenly, she hears a horrible scream.
- What was that? - she asks a nearby angel.
- Well, a new soul is being converted into an angel, so they drill holes in their back for wings.
She pales. Suddenly, she hears an even MORE horrible scream.
- And that was?..
- Now, that's holes being drilled in the soul's head, for the halo.
- No, I don't want that. No such Heaven. Send me to Hell now!
- Do you even know what you're asking for? - the angel looks at her incredulously. - As soon as you get there, demons will pounce upon you. Do you know what kind of sodomy they'll do to you?
The woman thinks for a moment:
- Whatever. Send me there. At least for that, I've already got the holes.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia