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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Man killed by shark whilst on honeymoon
Doctors said he didn't suffer much as he'd only been married 5 days.
#boomerhumor
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A man haunted by his sins went to the church for a confession with the priest...
There's a devout Catholic man who once committed a regrettable act – he gave his best friend a blowjob while intoxicated. Filled with remorse, he decided to seek forgiveness from God and headed to the church.
Inside the church, he approached the priest and says he wants to confessed his sin, the priest say: "no need to tell me, take a look on this book" The priest handed him a book containing a list of sins along with their corresponding penances for forgiveness.
As he flipped through the pages, he noticed various sins and their prescribed prayers:
"Stealing: 10 Hail Marys and 10 Our Fathers"
"Gluttony: 10 Hail Marys"
"Envy: 10 Our Fathers"
He searched the entire book but couldn't find the specific sin he was seeking forgiveness for – "blowjob." Feeling puzzled, he spotted one of the altar boys nearby, a regular helper at the church. He decided to ask for advice.
Approaching the altar boy, he inquired hesitantly, "Hey, young fellow, I'm not sure how to handle a situation. What does the priest usually give for. blowjobs?
The altar boy, unaware of the man's situation, thought for a moment and responded cheerfully, "Well, for me, the priest usually gives a bag of Cheetos! But as for you, I guess you'll have to negotiate that with him!"
#sexandshit
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You know the difference between sex for money and sex for free?
Sex for money is a whole lot cheaper.
#other
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A lawyer’s wife died. At her grave, everyone was appalled.
The tombstone read, “HERE LIES PHYLLIS, WIFE OF ATTORNEY MURRAY WILLIAMS; SPECIALIZES IN DIVORCE AND MALPRACTICE”.
Murray burst into tears. His brother said, “You SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this.”
Murray said, “You don’t understand. I gave them my business card.”
His brother apologized.
“…and they didn’t include the phone number!”
#other
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A man is about to enter a casino, but is approached by a beggar just as he’s about to go in the door…
The beggar asks, “Hey man, can you spare a bit of money? I’m hungry, and could really use a jacket and a new pair of shoes.”
“Wait a minute”, says the man, “How do I know you’re not just going to take the money and go gamble it all away?”
“Oh, don’t worry… I won’t”, replies the beggar, “I’ve got gambling money!”
#other
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The Doctor tells the 90 Year Old Man that he needs a semen sample. "Bring back the specimen tomorrow."
The next day the old man comes back with the jar in hand. It's as clean and empty as it was the previous day. "Did you have a little trouble?" asked the doctor. A pause, then he says, "When I got home I tried, you know? First, with the right hand. Next, with the left hand. Nothing. That I asked my wife for some help. She tried too. With her left hand, with the right hand, with her mouth, she even put it under her armpit. Nothing. "Now we got us a friend, down the street. She helps us with things now and again from time to time, seeing as how we're getting on in age, and she's trying with her left, with her right..." "Hold on," the doctor says, "you asked your neighbor for help?" "Yeah, but none of us could get that jar open."
#oldbutgold
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A guy says to his wife "gimme a blowjob."
She says "Honey, could you PLEASE be bit a bit more romantic?"
He says "gimme a blowjob in the rain."
#sexandshit
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What do you call friends with benefits who just had a kid?
Friends with consequences.
#sexandshit
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My friend was shocked when I told him I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means.
I said “Relax. It’s not the end of the world.”
#wordplay
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A guy chats with his milkman during the weekly daily delivery.
"You should've seen yesterday's party, it was great. There was me, my wife and many couples in the neighborhood. By the end we were completely hammered."
"Oh yeah? How did it go?" The milkman inquires.
"Well, we got so drunk that we got the idea for a little game. The men went into another room and stripped naked. Then one after the other, we'd walk out of the room with our body entirely covered by a bedsheet with a hole in it, and just our dick through the hole. Then, the women had to guess who was under the sheet."
"That does sound like a great party, I wish I'd been there!" The milkman replies.
"You might as well have been, 'cause your name came out a couple times."
#oldbutgold
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A young soldier was sent to the personnel office and assigned the task of registering recruits for life insurance.
Long
Because of the cost, most soldiers didn't buy the life insurance, but after only 1 month on the job he had sold a record number of policies.
His captain noticed but thought it was a fluke. However, the following month, he doubled sales. A month later, when he set the army record for policies sold, the captain got a call from the general. He was so impressed he decided he wanted to meet the young soldier and learn the secret of his sales success.
The general and the captain went to the personnel office and asked the soldier his secret.
"I don't know, I just sell them the insurance," he shrugged.
"Well, let's see you in action," the general said.
They called in a recruit and sat in as the young soldier went through his pitch.
"Now, there's a great life insurance plan," he began.
"Uh, I don't think so," the recruit said. "It costs a lot."
"I know, but if you buy the insurance and get killed in battle, the army has to pay your survivors $200,000," he said. "But, if you don't have insurance, they pay your survivors $6,000."
"Yeah? So?" the recruit said.
"So," he said, nodding at the general. "Who do you think this asshole is going to send into battle first?"
#other
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A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.
"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"
The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.
"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.
Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.
A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"
The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.
Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.
He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."
She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she chuckles, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"
He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I was hoping...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty...cheesy...pig-cup line."
#wordplay
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My gender studies teacher asked me how I viewed lesbian relationships...
Apparently "in 4K" was the wrong answer.
#wordplay
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Convincing your girlfriend that she's crazy is called gaslighting and it's a dick move.
Convincing her that she's a robot with artificial intelligence and implanted memories is called bladerunning and it's a Philip K. Dick move.
#oldbutgold
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A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over.
The cop says to the man:
- Do you know that you were speeding, sir?
- No officer, I didn't know I was speeding...
The wife then says:
- Come on, Henry, you knew you were speeding, I've been telling you to slow down for miles.
The man shoots a dark look at his wife, then the cop says:
- Well, since I've got you pulled over did, do you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?
- No sir, I did not know that...
The wife says:
- Oh please, Henry! I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!
The husband grinds his teeth but keep silent. The cop then adds:
- And I noticed that you left rear lights weren't working either.
- Oh yes, I was on my way to get them changed, actually.
The wife says:
- Nonsense, we were going home. You keep saying it doesn't need to be changed, that the other drivers can see you well enough.
The man explodes with anger:
- WILL YOU SHUT YOUR GODDAMN PIEHOLE, YOU BITCH?
The cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her:
- Does he always talk to you this way?
- Oh no, officer, only when he's been drinking.
#oldbutgold
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My coworker keeps complaining about his lunch being stolen from the break room fridge.
Monday morning he brought in a turkey and provolone on wheat bread. Put it in the fridge. By lunch time it was gone.
Tuesday he brought in ham and cheddar on white bread. Put it in the fridge, again gone by lunch.
Today he brought a chicken ceaser wrap. Gone by noon.
I hope he brings a pastrami and Swiss tommorow. That's my favorite.
#oldbugold
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It's a hot day at the end of summer, and a man walks into a local ice cream parlor and looks at the menu and orders a single scoop of chocolate ice cream.
Employee: "Sorry, we're all out of chocolate ice cream today."
Customer: " Awhhh... well, okay." "Umm... lemme get a double scoop of chocolate ice cream."
The employee sighs and replies: "Sorry sir, I don't know if you heard me, but we're all out of chocolate ice cream."
Customer: "Ohh right right... okay, umm... lemme have a triple scoop of your chocolate ice cream then."
Employee: "Sir, we don't have chocolate ice cream... You can have vanilla or you can have strawberry, but we're all out of chocolate!"
Customer: "Oh I'm so sorry, I misunderstood... why don't you just give me a pint of chocolate ice cream then."
Now the employee is completely annoyed, and replies "Mister...Do you see the 'straw' in 'strawberry'?"
Customer: "Yeah, of course I see the 'straw' in 'strawberry'"
Employee: "Okay great! Do you see the 'van' in vanilla?"
Customer (A little irritated): "Yes I do see the van in vanilla"
Employee: "Fantastic! Now do you see the 'FUCK' in chocolate?" Customer: "Wait... there ain't no 'Fuck' in chocolate??"
Employee: "That's what I've been trying to tell you...
THERE AIN'T NO FUCKIN' CHOCOLATE!"
#oldbutgold
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A man in a bar is drinking whiskey and says: with what I have, I shouldn't be drinking so much...
Then he turns to the bartender and says: give me another one, even though... with what I have, I shouldn't be drinking so much.
As soon as he finishes drinking, he goes back to the bartender and asks for another whiskey, still murmuring: with what I have, I shouldn't be drinking so much.
At that point, the bartender, intrigued, asks: what do you have that you keep saying you shouldn't be drinking so much?
— What do I have? I only have 1 dollar!
#other
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My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I can’t believe our son would go so far.”
Me: Me neither. This trebuchet is awesome. Go get our daughter.
#oldbutgold
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A man suspected her wife to cheat on him while he was at work.
A man suspected his wife to cheat on him while he was at work. He told his best friend about it.
- I could place a hidden camera in the bedroom, but I don't want to spend that much money...
- Well, there's an easy and cheap way to be sure: attach a spoon under your mattress, and place a bowl filled with milk under it. That way, if your wife goes to bed with someone, the mattress will sink and the spoon will touch the milk. All you have to do when you get home is to check if milk is on the spoon or not.
The man agrees to do so and goes home.
2 days later, they meet again.
- So, did you do it?
- Yeah, I did everything you told me: I put the spoon, the bowl, the milk, etc. And I checked yesterday evening.
- So?
- The bowl was full of butter.
#sexandshit
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John was at the grocery store buying beer for poker night with his buddies
When he is in the frozen food section a voluptuous redhead approaches him and says:
“Excuse me, I think you are the father of one of my kids”
John replied: “ohhh, we’re you that redhead that I banged in the bathroom at Shannon’s a couple of years back?, you certainly look good”
The redhead replied: “No sir…, I’m a kindergartner teacher and I teach Timmy, your 5 year old son…”
#oldbutgold
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My wife called out another man's name during sex
If I ever find out who this "Ron Hole" is, I'm going to kill him
#sexandshit
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Pornhub was just banned in Arkansas, but there's a catch. Before you can gain access, you have to watch at least one video of dwarf MILF content.
That's the bare mini mum.
#wordplay
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Little Johnny's mother was upset about her son's swearing habit, so she takes him to the church.
There, the priest is waiting. After finishing her own confessions, Little Johnny's mother talks about her situation.
"I don't know what to do with my son anymore, Father," she says. "He started a while ago to say swear words, and now he is saying one in every sentence."
"Why, I have just the perfect solution," the priest smiles. "How is he financially? I mean, does your son have a piggy bank or something?"
"He keeps his savings, once in a while he gets one coin or two," the mother replies.
"Very well!" The priest exclaimed. "Make him donate ten cents for the church for each time you catch him or know from someone that he said a swear word. Come back at the end of the month with him to give to the poor box everything he owes. Maybe financial pressure will control him."
"Great, Father!" The mother grinned. "I'll start today."
[id4526022|*At] the end of the month...*
The mother comes back to the church. She seems unamused. The priest noticed her bad mood and asked:
"So, tell me, how it went?"
"Yeah, Father, he is quite a chatterbox, he owes $9,90," the mother revealed, then turning to her son. "Little Johnny, come here! Give the money to the priest."
Little Johnny comes, quite ashamed, and hands the priest a $10 bill.
"Ten dollars?" The priest said. "I'm afraid I don't have ten cents to do change."
"Oh, Father, don't worry," Little Johnny smiled. "Just go fuck yourself and we're even."
#other
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Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete.
They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.
#sexandshit
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What do you call a fat nazi?
A wide supremacist
#wordplay
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Where do BAD rainbows go?
To Prism......It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to refract.
#wordplay
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A teenager goes to confession.
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned," he says. "I have been masturbating."
"Ah, my son, this is not uncommon. But you must save that for marriage. Your penance is to say a decade of the rosary," says the priest.
Many years later, the teenager, now a grown man, goes back to confession with the same priest.
"Father, I am not here for confession, but for advice," he says. "Many years ago, I confessed to you that I masturbated and you told me to save it for marriage."
"Yes, my son," says the priest. "What is the problem?"
"Well, Father, I'm about to get married and I have a 50 gallon drum of the stuff. What am I supposed to do with it?"
#sexandshit
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A small man goes to prison and gets sent to his cell.
When he meets his new cellmate, he finds out it's this enormous Michael Clark Duncan looking black guy. The cellmate tells him "Hey boy, you and me? We're married now!!! So do you want to be the husband, or you want to be the wife?" The little man replies back "Oh god..... I really don't want to do this, but if I have to.... I guess I'd rather be the husband." The enormous cellmate replies back "Okay, honey, that sounds good to me. Now get over here, and suck your wife's dick!!!"
#sexandshit
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Abdul was going through bit of a rough patch in his marriage.
So after work, he decided to pay his Imam a visit.
He said "I have been going through some problems with my wife, she seems like she is always angry at me, what do I do?"
The Imam replied "You should spend more time with your wife, appreciate her role in your life, maybe praise her cooking once in a while."
Satisfied with the advice, Abdul goes back home and his wife has set the dinner table. As he's having dinner he says "Darling, the food is very good today."
To his surprise, his wife is upset with that and she says "21 years we've been married to each other and you've never appreciated my cooking, the one day I get food from the neighbours, you like it?"
#other
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