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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A mute man wanted to buy condoms, but he wasn't sure how to communicate with the pharmacist. His partner suggested he just whip his dick out on the counter and put $10 next to it.
When he returned, his partner asked: "Did you get the condoms?". He shook his head and replied (edit: in sign language): "No, I did just like you said, but then the pharmacist did the same and pocketed the cash!"
#other
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A man sits down next to a woman at the bar.
He orders a beer and notices the TV above the bar showing the 5 O'clock news
The news is covering someone standing on the edge of a bridge with the police trying to talk him down from jumping
The man at the bar looks to the woman next to him and says "I bet you $10 he jumps"
The woman looks at the man and says "I'll take that bet"
A few minutes go by and the man ends up jumping off the bridge
So the woman says "well you were right" and slides $10 to the man at the bar
he slides the money back and tells her "I can't in good conscience take the money, they showed this on the 4 O'clock news earlier I knew he was gonna jump"
The woman leaves the money on the bar and replies "well I saw the 4 O'clock news too, but I didn't think he would jump twice"
#other
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I hate generalisation
Everyone does it
#other
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A Jewish guy calls his mother in Florida.
"Hi, Mom. How have you been?"
"Not so good. I've been feeling weak."
"Weak? Why are you feeling weak?"
"I haven't eaten for 28 days!"
"Twenty-eight days?! Why? What's wrong?"
"I didn't want my mouth to be full of food in case you should call."
#oldbutgold
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I got 50 dollars from my mom...
She told me to take my brother to the movies, but not to bring him home before 6, so they had time to prepare his surprise birthday party.
That's the day I realized he was the favorite twin.
#other
@Sickipedia
A German man walks into a McDonald's in the United States...
After waiting in line, he finally gets to the counter, and he orders a pint of beer, because you can get beer at McDonalds in Germany.
An American customer overhears the man's order, and he approaches the German man and says, "How could you be so stupid? you cannot order beer here." while laughing at the German man right to his face.
The German man thinks for a second and then he starts laughing uncontrollably. Not just any laugh. This is a laugh so intense that he is struggling not to fall over.
The American customer is no longer laughing. He now has a puzzled look on his face. He asks the German man, "what's so funny?" The German man says, "I just realized that you came here for the food."
#roast
@Sickipedia
How about this one?
I named my toilet "Jim" instead of "John". Everyone is so impressed when I say I go to the "Jim" every morning.
#wordplay
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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.
I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.
Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...
"I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."
#other
@Sickipedia
The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals.
The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.
The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”
#oldbutgold
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What has more letters than “The Alphabet?”
The Post Office
#other
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My sister, Rachel, just came out as a lesbian and introduced us to her girlfriend. Also named Rachel
It's my first time meeting an interrachel couple.
#wordplay
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Three cowboys are settling down after a long day herding cattle.
The first cowboy says, "You know, it takes a real man's man to do this job. I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why? just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second cowboy not to be outdone, shakes his head and replies, "You think that's tough? Why, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot long rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands and bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today!"
The first and second cowboy glance over expectantly at the third cowboy, but he just smiles and says nothing, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
#other
@Sickipedia
Success is like pregnancy.
Everybody congratulates you,
but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A Roman centurion goes to the movie theater. When the movie's over, he asks for a refund.
"No one told me that my movie was going to be a pornographic one," the centurion tells the ticket-taker.
The ticket-taker says, "Sir, look at the marquee. It says right here what kind of movies we play here."
Looking back up at the marquee, the centurion responds "You lie! There are most certainly not 30 movies!"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
So I was out having beers with the boys the other day . . .
The wife calls and says, "If you're not home in ten minutes I'm feeding the dinner I cooked to the dog!"
I was home in five minutes! I'd hate for anything to happen to that dog.
#roast
@Sickipedia
Gen Z names are so stupid. For instance, a young man introduced himself to me as Jathan..... Not Jason. Not Nathan... Jathan.
I'm not good with remembering names so I try to incorporate them into the conversation to help me to remember. So I said to him
"It's very nice to meet you Jathan."
"That is a very unique name, Jathan."
"Are you from around here Jathan?"
To which he replied
"Wow, are you theriouth right now?"
#other
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A man who lost his hat decided the easiest way to replace it was to steal it.
So he goes to the local church in search of a hat. A sermon about the ten commandments was going on as he made his way to the cloakroom. He stopped, thought for a moment, and changed his mind.
Upon seeing the pastor, the man walks up to him and says, "Father, I must say, your sermon saved me from doing something wrong. I came here with sin in my heart, but your sermon showed me the error of my ways." Upon hearing this, the pastor congratulates him and asks him what specifically made him change his mind, to which the man replies, "You see, I lost my hat and came here to steal one from the cloakroom. But when you got to the 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' part, I suddenly remembered where I left my hat."
#other
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
#wordplay
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The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?" "I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again." "Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door." "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear? Sarah replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York." "Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat." The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way Mom, I really want you to come."
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2029, Sarah Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?" The senator whispers back, "Yes, I do." Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.
The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”
Tommy replied, “Well, then just give me my money back. That’s fine.”
The farmer said, “Sorry, I can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Tommy then said, “Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, “Why? What ya gonna do with him?”
Tommy replied, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer laughed and said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse! Who’d buy a ticket?”
Tommy answered, “Sure I can, just watch me. I just won’t tell anybody the horse is dead.”
A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, “What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?”
Tommy said, “I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Tommy smiled and said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back.”
#other
@Sickipedia
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
A solid 10, but also imaginary
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A man and his wife are having trouble in bed...
... the woman never even gets close to having an orgasm. She complains to her husband that it is way too warm in their house and that's why she can't have an orgasm.
The man decides to consult a sex therapist for a possible solution. The therapist says the man should cool his wife off by wafting her with a towel.
Later that day, the man asks his best friend if he could help him and his wife by wafting her with a towel during sex. The friend, hesitant at first, agrees.
Later, the man and his wife are having sex while the friend is in the room, wafting her with the towel. This goes on for quite a while, until the wife complains that it doesn't seem to help.
The husband, now out of ideas, asks his friend to have sex with his wife while he is wafting her himself. The friend agrees and soon after they are having sex while the husband is standing next to the bed, wafting his wife with cool air.
Not long after, the wife has the best orgasm she's ever had, leaving her panting and gasping for air. The husband loudly proclaims: "See, that's how you waft a towel!"
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
What's worse than child labour ?
Child neighbour
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A man inherited a farm and decided to remodel it...
He had a great business idea. Turn it into a country vacation destination. Tours for kids, horseback and wagon rides. Learn to milk cows the old fashioned way. Eat fresh farm raised food... Well, he encountered one problem.
There was an ornery old rooster that didn't like strangers hanging about, and would attack them if he got the chance. He didn't have the heart to get rid of him. After all this was his home too. So he calls up an old high-school buddy that he had heard was down on his luck and offers him a job. He needed him to follow the old rooster around with broom, and intercept the old bird if it looked like he was heading towards any guests.
The old buddy understood the job, but had one question. Why him and not a local farm boy? "Well, you remember how, when we were in high-school, you were popular with the ladies? And when I thought I finally had a chance, you'd swoop in take her away? Well I wanted someone who could do a good job stopping that rooster, and you're the best cock-blocker I know."
#wordplay
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Google is 25 years old now
In other news, Leonardo DiCaprio has announced that he'll be using Bing search now.
#other
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Do you know everything?
Without being arrogant, yes, I do.
It's an indefinite pronoun.
#other
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A world famous statistician was stopped by TSA at the airport
on his way to catch a flight to Washington DC. When they opened up his bag they found a bomb in it. Subsequently he was handcuffed and taken to the station for questioning. When asked about it he said, “I always carry a bomb with me for every fight!” The investigator questioned this, saying “Why would you do such a thing?” To which the statistician replied, “because the odds of two people having bombs on the same flight are astronomical!”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
The teacher fell asleep in class and a little naughty boy walked up to him...
Little boy: "Teacher are you ... sleeping in class?"
Teacher : "No I am not sleeping in class."
Little boy : "What were you doing sir ?"
Teacher : " I was talking to God."
The next day the naughty boy fell asleep in class and the same teacher walks up to him...
Teacher : "young man, you are sleeping in my class."
Little boy : "No not me sir,I am not sleeping."
Angry teacher: "What were you doing.??"
Little boy : "I was talking to God."
Angry teacher: "What did He say??"
Little boy : "God said He never spoke to you yesterday..."
#other
@Sickipedia
I wasn't upset when my gf dumped me because I had a small penis.
I was never really that much into her.
#wordplay
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