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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly. My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."
"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."
"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone directly on your asshole."
#other
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A man meets a beautiful, really sexy girl.
He really wants her. So he invites her to a movie, and she tells him:
- Listen, if it's sex you're after, then there is no need to get me dinners, movie evenings and all that. Just buy me a good Swiss Army knife.
The guy thinks. It's true, he's not interested in something long-term, so he buys her a good genuine Victorinox.
They come to her home, she opens a big chest standing in a closet, and puts his knife there. The guy sees that the chest is half-filled with such knives already. Then she takes him to her bedroom for a wonderful night together.
The next morning, they're sitting at her kitchen, drinking tea, and he asks her:
- Can I ask you a question? Why would you need so many knives for?
- You see, - she explains. - I'm young now. I'm beautiful. I have no trouble finding guys; in fact, they're the ones chasing me. But I know it doesn't last forever. One day, I'll be older, gray-haired, I'll be the one looking everywhere for a piece of love, and then... do you have any idea what a boy of eighteen would be willing to do for a good Swiss Army knife?
#other
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The Madame of a Brothel sees the door open and in comes a little boy with a squished frog on a string.
She looks down at him, bewildered, and he plunks down ten dollars and says “I want your dirtiest, nastiest whore.”
The madame is shocked, and doesn’t know what to say. She’s so confused, all she can think to ask is… why?
“Cause if I sleep with her, I’ll get a bunch of diseases. Then, when my parents go out, they’ll leave me with the babysitter who likes to do things with me. She’ll get the disease. Then, when daddy takes her home, he’ll play with her, and he’ll get it. Then he’ll give it to mommy, and when mommy plays with the mailman, he’ll get it, and he’s the son of a bitch who RAN OVER MY FROG!”
#sexandshit
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A cyclist gets off his bike in front of the us capitol and proceeds to park it properly A cop arrives and tells him " hey what are you doing ? You can't park your bike in front of the capitol !"
The cyclist responds " don't worry man , i have a good bike lock"
#other
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If you steal a Tesla….
Does it become an Edison?
#other
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So, it’s 1941 and a young German boy is listening to the radio. On the radio Hitler announces that Germany is declaring war on the United States.
The boy asks, “Father, where is the United States?”
“Here, let me show you,” His father responds and points at a map of North America.
The boy then asks, “We are at war with Russia too, right? Where’s that?”
The father then points at a map of the Soviet Union.
“I think we’re also at war with the British,” the boy says. “Where on the map are they?”
The father then points at the British isles and the numerous British colonies, dominions, and protectorates.
“And where are we, father?” The boy questions.
The father, starting to become annoyed by his son’s constant questioning, finds Central Europe and points out Germany.
The young boy processes what he has just been told for a moment.
“Father.”
“What now?” The father responds.
“I have one more question.”
“What is it?”
“Has Hitler seen this map?”
#other
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99% of lawyers make the rest of them look bad!
#other
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I Was Surprised When My deadbeat roommate actually had rent money on time
"Yeah, man, I got a job."
"Doing what?," I asked.
"I hang out in the alley and give blow jobs."
"Sounds like a hard way to make money."
"Nah, man, my very first night I made $300.05"
I scoffed, "Who paid you a nickel?"
He said, "They all did."
#sexandshit
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What do you call the sexuality where you're attracted to men and women but neither are attracted to you?
Bi-yourself
#wordplay
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When my girlfriend said she wanted me to be her sub...
I didn't expect to be making bass sounds in the boot of her car
#wordplay
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A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath". The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs."
#worpdplay
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I told my wife I saw an alien on the way to work this morning
She said “how do you know it’s on its way to work?”
#wordplay
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What do you call a short naked mother who never puts in any effort?
The bare mini-mum.
#wordplay
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Why are trans women so good at swimming?
Because they are boyn’t
#wodplay
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Excuse me, can you pass the salt?
Na
#wordplay
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Two retirees, George and Sam, have been playing golf every Saturday for decades. Always the same time, same course. They leave their houses at 10 AM, get home at 3 PM.
One Saturday, Sam isn't home at 3 ... nor 4 ... 4:30. Finally at around five he staggers in, haggard, disheveled. In short, he looks like hell.
"Sam you look awful!" said his wife. "I was so worried about you! What happened?"
"It was terrible!" Sam replied. "Worst day of my life. George and I were halfway down the first fairway when he clutched his chest and fell over, stone dead. His heart must have given out!"
"Oh dear," says the wife. "He was your best friend in the whole world! What did you do?"
"What could I do?" says Sam. "For the rest of the round, it was hit the ball, drag George; hit the ball, drag George."
#other
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What do bosses who pay their employees minimum wage and middle aged men who date eighteen year olds have in common with each other?
Both would go for lower if it were legal.
#sexandshit
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The Turks invented sex and then the Greeks improved it by removing the sheep and adding lubrication.
The Romans perfected it by discovering that you could have it with women too, then the French ruined it by adding misogynistic condescension, and the British made it worse by adding shame; after that, the Americans made it terrible by making it a commodity.
And finally the fucking furries ruin it by putting the sheep back in!
#sexandshit
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Today a friend said to me: "Marco, aren't you sad to see your friends getting married and you being single at 43?"
I replied:
"Yes, I am, but I don't know how to help them."
#other
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How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Six.
One supervises;
One arranges for the electricity to be shut off;
One checks safety and quality standards;
One monitors compliance with government regulations;
One fills out paperwork;
And one who screws the lightbulb into the water faucet.
#other
@Sickipedia
A high-society debutant is engaged to a low-born Greek guy.
Before the wedding, her mother takes her aside and says, "I've tried to talk you out of marrying this man, but you seem determined to go through with it, so just promise me one thing"
"Greeks have unnatural desires in the bedroom that are perverse, nasty, and disgusting. Just promise me now, if he ever asks you to 'roll over' you will refuse.
The girl agrees and goes through with the marriage. Everything proceeds fine until about 5 years into the marriage. One fateful night in bed, the Greek says,"Honey, tonight let's try something different, I want you to roll over.
She is shocked by the suggestion! "My mother warned me about you! That is sick and disgusting! How dare you ask such a thing of me?"
"But", says her husband, "don't you want to have children?"
#oldbutgold
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Guy walks into a bar and yells, "Hey barkeep, how about a round of drinks for everyone here before the shit starts?"
Everyone cheers. Bartender says ok, and pours a round of beers for the whole bar.
A little while later the guy yells again, "Hey barkeep, how about another round of drinks before the shit starts?"
Everyone cheers louder. Bartender says ok, and pours another round of beers for the whole bar.
Later still, the guy yells again, "Hey barkeep, can we get some more drinks before the shit starts?"
The bartender asks, "Hey, man. Are you gonna pay for all these drinks?"
The guy says, "Uh oh, here's where the shit starts."
#other
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Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One says to the other...
"I can't believe I blew 40 bucks in there"
#wordplay
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I discovered a month -old text on my wife's phone. It said, "Babe, I've sent you $300. Give your husband $100 and keep the rest for your sexy self." I texted him back: "Hi, this is her husband. I never got my money. Please talk to her."
#other
@Sickipedia
Chuck Norris slept with a hooker.
When they were done, she paid him.
#other
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In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.
She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”
“For about 60 years.”
“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.”
“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”
“Like I’m talking to a wall!”
#religion
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My first time buying condoms as a teenager, I went to the pharmacy.
The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."
She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.
I still looked confused.
She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.
"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.
She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra.
"You like these?"
I could only nod my head.
She said to put the condom on.
As I was putting it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down.
"Come on." she said. "We don't have much time."
So I climbed on her.
It was so amazing that I couldn't hold back and KAPOW! I was done in two minutes!
She looked at me concerned and asked, "Did you put the condom on?"
I said, "I sure did!"
...and held up my thumb to show her.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
What do you call an alcoholic bodybuilder?
Jacked Daniels
#wordplay
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I matched with a tinder profile that had no pics.
We chatted a bit. Smart and funny so i asked for a date. She said yes!
I'm not expecting much, probably 400lbs. But she answered the door, this little strawberry blomde with a head full of curls and all the right curves in all the right places. We exchanged our real names and i asked what she did for a living. She says, "Sunday school teacher". Now i ain't never had me Christian girl, but I'm open minded about it, so I'm driving her to.the second best restaurant i can think of.
I pullout a joint if my best weed and ask 8f she wants an appetite. She says "Heavens no, what would i tell my sunday school children?". Well,some people smoke and some don't so i thought nothing of it.
We go to the restaurant andi i order a steak, she gets the lobster. I order the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. But when the waitress brings it she says she doesn't drink. My mind is blowm. "You don't drink?"
"Heavens no. What would i tell my sunday school children?"
We have a good time, laughing at each others jokes, but i know this is a bust as i drink up that overpriced bottle by mysrlf.
As I'm driving her home i pass a cheap hotel and figuring i got nothing to lose ask her :"want to get a room and knock boots?"
She says " I thought you'd never ask. "
I'm like really?!? "what will you tell your sunday school children?"
She said the same thing i tell them every week
"You don't have to drink and smoke to have a good time "
#religion
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The woman says to her husband: "If i had known you were so poor, i wouldn't have married you."
Husband: "But I told you that you were the most valuable thing in my life."
#wordplay
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