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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Two scientists walk into a bar.
The first one says: "I'll have some H2O."
The second one says:"I'll also have water. Wait, why did you call it H2O? We're not at work anymore."
The first scientist goes to the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.
#antijoke
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I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
#other
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Chuck Norris admitted to using stunt doubles in his films
But only for the crying parts.
#oldbutgold
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I saw my doctor last week and he asked me how much marijuana do I smoke? I said why was that your first question?
He said, it wasn't.
#other
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My date seemed ecstatic at first when I told her I had the body of an Ancient Greek statue
She didn’t seem as enthused when she found out I was only referring from the waist down!
#sexandshit
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A gorilla passed away at the zoo right before it opens for the day. It was the only gorilla in the zoo since they weren't a very profitable creature. However, the gorilla was very popular and the zoo couldnt afford to open without it.
The zoo manager asked one of his employees to wear a gorilla suit for an extra $100 a day to keep the customers satisfied until they found a replacement.
The employee agreed and quickly took his place in the enclosure. Once the zoo opened, the crowd loved the gorilla even more. People from all over came to see it.
However, a few weeks go by and the dazzle fizzles out. So to gain back interest, he climbs up the bars of the enclosure and hangs above the lions cage, swinging around and doing stunts.
The people stared in awe and shock as the spectacle continued. Suddenly the man's grip fails and he falls into the lion's cage. Afraid for his life, he screams "help! Help!"
A lion sneaks up from behind him and pounces on him, whispering in his ear. "Shut the fuck up or you're gonna get both of us fired".
#oldbutgold
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A sophisticated-looking lady was returning by plane from Switzerland.
She talked to the Father sitting next to her, "Excuse me, Father, may I ask you a favor?"
The priest replied, "Of course, my child, what can I do for you?"
The woman explained, "Here's my problem: I bought myself a new epilator and paid quite a lot of money for it. I think I've exceeded the limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it at customs. Could you possibly hide it under your robe while going through customs?"
The priest replied, "I can certainly do that, my child, but you know I cannot lie."
The woman said, "You have such an honest and innocent face, Father. I'm sure they won’t even question you."
She handed the expensive epilator to the priest. As the plane landed and the priest approached the customs, the officer asked, "Father, do you have any items to declare?"
The priest replied, "I have nothing to declare from my head to my belt, my child."
Finding this answer odd, the officer asked, "Well, what about the area below your belt?"
The priest responded, "There's a wonderful little device designed for the use of women. However, it has never been used!"
The customs officer, bursting into laughter, said, "Alright, Father, you can go. Next!"
#sexandshit
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As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough.”
#wordplay
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A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.
A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"
#wordplay
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A young pastor is called into his superior.
"Some in the congregation have accused you of blasphemy after your last sermon. Do you know why?"
"I was just talking about the illness of one of our congregants," replies the young pastor. "That's when people got mad."
"That sounds odd. What did you say?"
"I said: 'God is good: Mr. Andrews is better'."
#wordplay
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My wife is furious I bought a 12-year-old whiskey.
And the kid's mother tried to get me arrested.
#wordplay
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Three women die and go to heaven.
While in heaven, God tells the women not to step on the grass while in heaven or they will be punished.
The grass is everywhere so they have to make an effort to avoid it. One girl steps on the grass and is instantly handcuffed to an ugly man. The other woman also steps on the grass and is instantly handcuffed to an ugly man for all eternity.
The last woman manages to avoid the grass for several years and feels that she should be rewarded. One day, a man suddenly appears handcuffed to her and she can’t believe her eyes at how handsome he is. She asks him, “are you the man of my dreams” and he responds, “I’m not sure but I just stepped on some grass”
#oldbutgold
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What do you call a 6.9?
A good time ruined by a period.
#sexandshit
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My dog is a Pit bull Collie mix
After it ripped my arm off, it ran for help
#other
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An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive sports car.
Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man.
"Look what you did to my car" he yells. "You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"
"Oh my" says the old man, "I don't have that kind of money.
Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he will know what to do."
"Dolphins" the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as his son answered, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, Your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need 10 grand right now or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp."
"I'll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly 10 minutes later a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road.
When he finished, he walked over to his father and said….
"For the last time dad, I train Seals, Navy Seals.....
NOT dolphins!"
#wordplay
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Funny, I heard one, a young minister was trying to find out the best way to decide what to collect from the collection plate, so he went to ask a rabbi, a bishop and a priest.
The rabbi told him it was easy after the service, I go outside I draw a big circle on the ground and I pray, then I throw the money up and what ever lands inside the circle is gods and whatever lands outside the circle I keep.
The bishop said to him it was easy also, he said after the service, I go outside I draw a big circle on the ground and I pray, then I throw the money up and what ever lands outside the circle is gods and whatever lands inside the circle I keep.
Then he went to ask the priest, he told him you worrying too much, it’s very easy after the service, I go outside I draw a big circle on the ground and I pray inside the circle, then I throw the money up in the air and what ever god wants he takes and the rest I keep.
#religion
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Any time I ask myself “What Would Jesus Do?” I remember that grabbing a bullwhip and kicking over tables isn’t out of the realm of possibilities.
#religion
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There's a statistic that says hippos kill more people every year than sharks.
Makes sense. It seems very unlikely for a hippo to find a shark in the savanah.
#wordplay
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The priest angrily asks the altar boy standing two meters away,
"Are you secretly drinking the holy wine?"
The altar boy remains silent. The priest's anger grows.
"I'm asking you! Can't you hear me?"
"No, I can't hear anything from here, Father."
"What do you mean? You're just two steps away and you can't hear me?"
The altar boy smirks,
"Why don't we switch places and you'll see..."
They swap places. Now the altar boy asks,
"Who's embezzling the church donations?"
The priest mutters,
"You know what? You're right! You really can't hear anything from here."
#religion
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What does the economist say to arouse their wife?
Oh baby I’m going to increase your liquidity
#wordplay
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I was standing at an airport bar in International Departures when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate and Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, why the fuck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."
#racism
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If you think about it, both sides of the American civil war wanted the same thing in the end
Free black people
#wordplay
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Hitler held out a war for 6 years...
But shot himself 45 minutes after getting married.
#other
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Every mushroom is edible at least once.
#oldbutgold
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What’s the best thing about transphobia?
It finally got people interested in women’s sports.
#other
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A man goes home after being at his mistress' house
However, he realized that he smelled like her perfume. So then he goes to the nearby bar, drinks a couple of glasses of whiskey and heads home.
His wife met him at the door, smelled him and told him "You dirty pig! You can pour a gallon of women perfume over yourself and I'll know that you've been drinking".
#other
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"Oh dear...this is just what I was afraid of", the doctor said as he looked over my x-rays
My heart dropped and I asked "wha…What is it, doctor??"
He paused and then solemnly answered: "Skeletons."
#other
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A young punctuation couple, Mr. Apostrophe and Mrs. Comma…
A young punctuation couple, Mr. Apostrophe and Mrs. Comma, wanted to have a child, but sadly, could not. So, they decided to adopt a little Period and named him Edward. They loved Edward very much and he grew to be a fine young punctuation mark.
However, Edward knew he was different, as he didn't have a tail like his parents. When he got older, he started to ask Momma Comma why he was so different from her and Papa Apostrophe.
So, they sat Edward down and said to him, "It's time you knew the truth - You're a dot, Ed."
#wordplay
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My new girlfriend has the same first name as my sister.
Which is quite odd, because now, when we have sex, I think about my girlfriend :(
#oldbutgold
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Sir Isaac Newton was completely WRONG about apples
They don't fall to the ground because of gravity.
It's natural selection.
Trees that produce apples that fall upwards don't have offspring
#other
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