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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
While washing clothes I found $5. I gotta be more careful.
Money laundering is a very serious crime.
#wordplay
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A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back. "I'm a turtle", he says.
"Oh... who's on your back?"
"That's Michelle", he replies.
#wordplay
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I asked my wife if the cup was half full or half empty
She said: "For the love of god, stop wearing my bra"
#wordplay
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A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
#oldbutgold
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Womb is pronounced as "woom" and tomb as "toom".
It's only fair that bomb should go "boom".
#wordplay
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Last week we took the kids to see "Disney On Ice" but it was very disappointing.
It was just some old dead guy in a freezer.
#wordplay
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Why do the British pronounce it "Bri'ish"?
Because the Americans dumped the T in Boston Harbor.
#wordplay
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Girl winks at the bartender and asks, "Is it true hot chicks don't pay for their drinks here?"
Bartender: "Yes, that's been our policy for years! Here's your check."
#roast
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My wife is one of the clumsiest people I know.
I'm so glad she fell for me
#wordplay
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What do you call a dying airport computer?
A terminal terminal terminal.
#wordplay
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Daughter asks her Mother for some advice...
"My boyfriend has asked me to give him a hand job" she says "But I have no idea how to do it?"
"It's pretty easy" her Mother replied "Just pretend you're shaking a bottle of sauce"
Later that evening, her boyfriend begged her to give him a hand job. "No problem" she said, so he unzipped his pants and she takes a firm hold of his cock. Then she repeatedly smashed his knob as hard as she could with the palm of her other hand.
#sexandshit
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A man gets pulled over by a police car....
"Excuse me sir, we've been searching for a sheep molester in the area. We'd like to ask you a few questions, and there's a reward being offered"
The man thinks for a second, "Okay sure, it's not my thing but I'll do it"
#sexandshit
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There have been numerous accusations that the moon landing was fake.
When Neil Armstrong was interviewed about it, it’s claimed he said the following; The government found the trip to the moon was going to be both expensive and difficult. There was significant doubt that it could even be done. So, the CIA decided that because the US needed the propaganda advantage over the Russians they enlisted Hollywood to make a moon landing movie. After weeks of work and millions of dollars sunk into the venture the Hollywood producer and director came to the CIA and said, “we can’t do it here, it’ll have to be done on site.”
#other
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Why don't boxers have sex before the big fight?
They usually don't like each other.
#other
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My now ex-GF said: “I don’t want to go out. I feel so fat”
I said: “don’t worry, you look great. Are you ready to roll?”
#wordplay
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What three letter word starts with gas?
Car
#wordplay
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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the day when we drank together.
So I drinks one for each a me brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no. Everyone's fine," He explains, "I just joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."
#oldbutgold
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Whenever I eat probiotic yogurt, I make sure to remind people...
...that I'm a man of many cultures.
#wordplay
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What do you call a female rapper?
38 Cent
#sexism
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A judge calls opposing council into his chambers and says "Gentlemen, I've called you here to discuss a very serious matter. Both of you have given me bribes to influence my decision".
The lawyers begin to squirm in their seats.
"Mr. Morgenstern, you have given me $40,000 to rule in your favor, and Mr. Atkinson, you have given me $50,000 to rule for you".
He hands Atkinson $10,000 in cash and says "Now that you are both even, I intend to decide the case purely on its merits".
#other
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Knock knock. Who's there? Grandad.
Shit stop the funeral!
#other
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My GF said that she will break up with me if I sing "I'm a believer"
I thought she was kidding, but then I saw her face.
#wordplay
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The beginning of the first class in college a professor wanted to stir things up, to make a point he said “If there are any idiots in this room, will you please stand up"
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?", inquired the professor in a snidely voice.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, “ I just hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”
#oldbutgold
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Why did the transgender man only eat salads?
He was a herbivore.
#wordplay
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If, at first, you don't succeed...
I would not recommend skydiving.
#other
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'
#wordplay
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What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
#wordplay
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Three nuns die and arrive in heaven.
Three nuns arrive in heaven. Peter is standing at the gates, and he welcomes them into heaven, but tells them before they can enter they must answer a question.
Peter comes to the first nun and asks “what was the name of the first man on earth ?”
“Oh that’s an easy one!” the nun says. “Adam!” And the gates swung open.
Peter then goes to the second nun and asks “what was the name of the first woman on earth?”
“Oh that’s an easy one!” The nun says. “Eve!” And the gates swung open.
Peter then goes to the head nun, who being more senior is expected to be more knowledgeable. “What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?”
“Oh that’s a hard one” the nun says. And the gates swung open.
#wordplay
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My dad asked me, “Did you get an A in your Spanish exam?”
Me: C.
Dad: Well done. I knew you can do it!
#wordplay
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Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.
"Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?" The girl, crying, replied, "Dad... I became a prostitute." "Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"What was it ye said ye had become?", says Dad.
Girl, crying again, "A prostitute, Daddy!"
"Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!"
#oldbutgold
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