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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car. He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up.
After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house. The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.
The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken. "That"s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?" "I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."
#other
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A nun woke up one morning feeling great, she got out of bed and decided to go to the kitchen for some breakfast. On her way over there she runs into sister Jane and she says, "Hi sister Jane," by which sister Jane says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed sister.
She did not understand what sister Jane meant by that so she ignored it and went on. She was passing by the garden when she ran into sister Roberta and she says, "Good morning sister Roberta I am having a great day. Sister Roberta says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed." The nun was wondering why everybody she met kept saying that when she felt great so she decides to go and see mother superior. She asks mother superior, "Everybody keeps telling me that I got off on the wrong side of the bed when I feel great and mother superior says,"That is because you have brother Johns shoes on."
#other
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As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day in order to survive.
I'm lucky that my older brother told me about it.
#other
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A 17 year old male walks into a drug store
He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"
Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."
#oldbutgold
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What do you get when you cross a zoophile, a necrophiliac, and an idiomatic expression?
Someone who should REALLY stop beating that dead horse.
#wordplay
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The only thing flat earthers have to fear...
...is sphere itself.
#wordplay
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A man goes for a walk in the park. On his walk, he sees two men sitting on a park bench and looking very down.
“What’s wrong?” He asked them.
One of the men looks up at the man and lets out a long sigh: “Take a seat and I’ll tell you.”
Curious, he sits down next to the two men.
“The paint’s wet,” the man says.
#other
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A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy
“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied
“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked
“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said
The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says
“I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.”
“Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.”
The boy thought for a moment then said
“You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
#sexandshit
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My dentist asked if I smoke or drink coffee
I said I drink it
#wordplay
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2 hunters are lost in the woods...
After wandering around for a couple hours they decide to weigh their options, one says, "I heard if you shoot in the air someone will hear and come to your rescue", so they fire a few times in the air and wait, nothing happens so they try again a couple more times, after a few hours of this they're starting to get worried and one says, "I hope we get help soon", to which the other responds, "I know right, I am almost out of arrows"
#other
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Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times." The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."
#oldbutgold
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Three men are out on the golf course. The first tees off and slices the ball straight into the water hazard. The second man is like, “Oof, tough luck, Moses!”
Moses replies, “No worries.” He walks over, waves his driver at the water, and it parts. He finds his ball and plays on.
The second guy tees off and also hits it right in the water. Moses laughs and says, “Haha, didn’t learn anything, did you, Jesus?”
Jesus laughs, walks out over the water, finds his ball, and plays through.
The third man tees off. His ball slices straight toward the water, but before it breaks the surface, an enormous fish jumps out of the water and swallows the ball. As the fish is about to land, an eagle swoops down and scoops the fish up in its talons. The eagle swoops out, but drops the fish a moment later. It lands, and the ball rolls out of its mouth… straight into the hole.
Moses looks at Jesus and says, “Man. I hate playing golf with your dad.”
#religion
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I asked my wife where she wanted to go for dinner.
She suggested, "How about one of those places where they make your food right in front of you?"
So I took her to Subway.
#other
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What's a super power most children have?
Supervision
#wordplay
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A priest comes home from work.
He sees that his neighbor, the rabbi's car is very dirty and decides to wash it for him.
The next day just as the priest was preparing to leave for work he sees the rabbi cutting at his car's exhaust pipe.
Priest: "What are you doing, neighbor ? I wash your car and you destroy mine ?!"
Rabbi: "Shut up! If you can baptize my car it's fair game for me to circumcise yours!"
#religion
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Why was the astronomer's desk so disorganized?
They prefer Messier objects
#wordplay
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I asked an Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spanish man, and a German if they can see me.
They responded Yes, Oui, Sí, Ja
#wordplay
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Yo mama is so fat, that if she could communicate with the dead…
she wouldn’t be called a medium, but an extra large.
#wordplay
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A möbius strip walks into a bar, distraught and crying
The bartender says “Oh no, Möbius Strip! Looks like you’ve had a bad day. Pull up a chair and tell me what’s wrong”
The mobius strip sit down, wipes it’s eyes and says “WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN?!”
#wordplay
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Donald Trump is on the Epstein List but don't worry,
Republicans don't care about minor issues.
#wordplay
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I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!
He wants to be a millionaire, too.
#wordplay
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What cheese is made backwards?
Edam
#wordplay
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How can a room full of married people be empty?
Because there’s not a single person there
#wordplay
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My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars.
I said, “That’s outrageous!”
He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
#wordplay
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A man takes his 7-year-old daughter to visit a castle...
while they are visiting the castle, they come accross some stairs that lead to another floor. since the castle is filled of history and authenticity, the man, amazed by the castle, tells his daughter: "can you believe that a long time ago, the king, ministers and other important people used to take these same stairs..." to which the daughter responds: "yes, it's so obvious!" the man, a bit confused, asks her: "why do you think it's that obvious?" and her daughter responds: "because there weren't any elevators at their time!"
#other
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What do you call a sexuality where you’re attracted to men and women but they are not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself
#wordplay
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A police officer spots a car parked in a popular make-out spot late one night, and decides to investigate.
He sees a young man behind the wheel reading a newspaper and a young woman in the passenger seat knitting. This is a puzzling sight, so he decides to find out more about these individuals.
"How old are you?" he asks the guy.
"Twenty-one, officer," he replies
"What about you?" he asks the girl.
She looks at her watch: "In about ten minutes, I'll be eighteen."
#sexandshit
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I went into the office early one morning and switched the M and N keys on everyone's keyboard. Some people will say I'm a monster
The others will say nomster.
#wordplay
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
#religion
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