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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.” So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, “That was incredible."
He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the ripples from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”
“No,” she said, “I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."
#sexandshit
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Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?
No Sun.
#wordplay
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When asked for a hearing aid, the doctor told me to describe the symptoms
I said, Homer is a fat guy, his wife, Marge, has blue hair. His son, Bart gets into a lot of trouble and his daughter, Lisa, is an unappreciated genius
#wordplay
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Sex while camping
is fucking intense!
#wordplay
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An interviewer once asked me. "I heard you were very fast at math".
Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am" Interviewer: "Whats 14x27" Me: "49" Interviewer: "that's not even close" me: "yeah, but it was fast"
#other
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Wife says to husband, “Let’s try the missionary position
Husband: “What’s that?”
Wife: “I stay here and you fuck off to Africa!”
#sexandshit
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What do you call a spider with 10 eyes.
A spiiiiiiiiiider
#wordplay
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If you drive a Subaru backwards, what are you?
U r a bus
#wordplay
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A man walks into a hotel and books a room.
The man says to the clerk.
“I assume the porn is disabled?”
The clerk says,
“No it’s just regular porn you filthy bastard.”
#sexandshit
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Parenting is hard. I'm trying to teach my son that "vagina" isn't a dirty word.
He still needs to pick a different name for the hamster though.
#other
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While on vacation in Mexico, a guy went to see the bullfights.
When it was over he went to a nearby restaurant. The waiter recited the menu and then said, "Since today there was a bullfight, we also have fresh testicles on the menu if you'd like to try them."
The guy was always up for something new so he ordered them. They arrived and they were absolutely delicious; tender, flavorful, and unlike anything he'd ever eaten.
Exactly a year later he was back in Mexico on business, and he and his co-worker found themselves with an extra day to kill.
"How about the bullfights?" He suggested. "Afterward we can get a beer at this restaurant nearby." His friend agreed and they went to the fights only to be told they were already over.
"Let's go get a beer then," remembering the testicles he said, "we can eat, too. They have this dish you're going to love."
They ordered the testicles but when the dish arrived the testicles were much smaller, weren't nearly as flavorful, and kind of disappointing.
When they were done he asked the waiter what happened to the dish. They had been so much better last year.
The waiter leaned closer and said, "Señor, the bull doesn't always lose."
#other
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The town I grew up in was so small
It didn’t have a town drunk; everyone just took turns.
#other
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What did the angel say when he picked up the phone ?
Halo 😇
#wordplay
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Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
First Lady: What's that?
Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet.
First Lady: Where did you get it?
Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
#sexandshit
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I don't like the word "grammar nazi", since it has the word nazi in it
I prefer to be called a write supremacist.
#wordplay
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I've been called out by the community for making too many bird puns, so I've decided to stop doing them.
I don't want to get ostrichised by the community!
#wordplay
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There's nothing worse than having a Cranberries song stuck
in your heeeeead in your heeeead in your heeea, in your hea, in your head
#other
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There was once a man who was obsessed with tractors…
He owned multiple tractors and tractor-themed merchandise. Toy tractors, tractor calendars, posters, everything.
One day he and his wife were riding one of his tractors around a field, when his wife fell out and was ran over. She died of her injuries and the man was distraught. He vowed to never enjoy tractors again and sold all of his tractors and merchandise.
A few years later he decides to start dating and lands a date with a beautiful woman. He takes her to a fancy cocktail bar for their date.
During the date one of the bartenders messes up a cocktail and the room fills with smoke. Everyone is coughing and panicking but the man simply stands up, inhales all the smoke, walks to the door and blows it all outside.
His date is amazed and asks, “How did you do that?”
“I’m an ex tractor fan”
#wordplay
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A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to the class.
He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing the class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A prankster student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up, "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect the class exploded in laughter.
When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.
"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll have to learn how to write with your other hand then..."
#other
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What's one thing the 5-second rule does not apply to?
Soup.
#other
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A married couple and a single man are stranded on a deserted island after their cruise ship sinks.
After serveral weeks with no rescue, the married woman and the single guy grew fonder of each other. They wanted to hook up, but the husband was always close by on the small island. Their desire only grew, and they knew that they had to figure out a way to have sex.
One day the single guy climbed up a tree to search for a resuce ship. The couple were laying on the beach, minding their own business. Suddenly they heard the man yell down at them "Hey! Stop fucking down there!"
"What?" The husband replied back.
"You heard me! Stop screwing down there! Get a room!"
The couple, startled, only looked at each other in disbelief. "What are you on about up there?" he yelled back.
"I can see you two fucking down there, plain as day!" the man replied.
"We're laying next to each other. We're not even touching!"
The man climbed down from the tree. "Huh. I'll be damned. From up there it looks like you guys are having a go at it. Climb up and have a look for yourself if you don't believe me."
"Well, alright then." the husband said. "I'll put an end to this foolishness." As he climbed up the tree, his wife and the other guy tore their clothes off and began screwing on the beach under the tree.
"Holy shit!" the said the husband. "It really does look like you're screwing down there!"
#sexandshit
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[First Date] Me: I quit drugs years ago and took up mountain climbing.
Her: That’s admirable. What’s the highest you’ve ever been?
Me: Once I tried to kiss a wild raccoon.
#wordplay
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A soldier returns home to his wife after a year-long deployment overseas.
He wants to show her how he managed to go a year without having sex with anybody else. "So how did you do it?" she asks.
"I trained my dick to respond to drill commands like so." He undoes his belt and drops his trousers. "Dick, ten-HUT!"
His penis springs straight up, erect and raring to go. "Dick, at ease!" His penis soon becomes flaccid. "Now you try!"
His wife tries it—"Dick, ten-HUT!", and his penis springs to life again.
"Dick, at ease!" The soldier's penis relaxes and softens. "Oh, we need to show the neighbors this!" The wife leaves and comes back with their neighbor, an attractive 20-something woman. His wife encourages her to try telling the soldier's penis to come to attention and stand at ease.
"Dick, attention!" the neighbor commands. The soldier's penis, as expected, hardens.
"Dick, at ease!" But his penis does not go down. "Dick, at ease!"
The soldier looks down at his penis, still erect. "Dick, at ease!"
But the military man's member refuses to go down, so he runs away into the bathroom. His wife follows him and sees him furiously masturbating.
"Honey, what are you doing?" she asks with a hint of worry in her voice.
The soldier replies, "He's not following my orders so I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge!"
#wordplay
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What begins with E and ends in E but only has one letter?
Envelope
#wordplay
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A pianist goes into a bar that he wasn't there for 3 years
The pianist goes to the piano and starts to play: do re mi fa sol la do re mi fa sol la do re mi fa sol la... just like that for an hour, after he finishes the bartender asks him: what the heck did you play us now? The pianist said: "long time no si"
#wordplay
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A woman walks into her bathroom to see her husband sucking in his stomach. "You know that won't help you lose weight," she says.
"I know that," says the husband. "But it will help me see the numbers."
#other
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My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer's,
I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife.
Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question. But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
#roast
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They each agreed for a tour of their country under one condition about the homosexuals. The Saudi and Dutch thought they had very similar beliefs about gays. However, once at Saudi Arabia, the Dutch was mortified at all of the brutal death penalty methods used for homosexuality. At the Netherlands, the Saudi was mortified to see tons and tons of gay people smoking weed out of peace pipes and such. They simultaneously said in utter shock and confusion, with a bit of betrayal; "What the hell? I thought you said your nation was the land of gays getting stoned!"
#oldbutgold
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I told a joke on a zoom meeting but nobody laughed.
Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
#wordplay
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People in the gym always ask me how I got so big?
Being a bodybuilder, people are shocked at how big I am. Many of them ask “how did you get so big?!” I tell them that it’s simple. I Followed an extremely strict diet of raw oats and milk.
Seriously. I ate nothing but raw oats and milk for two years and literally doubled in size!
But then I grew teeth and my mom made me switch to solid foods.
#other
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