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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A man rescues a "pirate" from a deserted island.
After inviting the apparent pirate onto his boat, he asks whether it is harder to plunder ships with a wooden leg, hook for a hand, and eye patch.
The man promptly replies "actually, I'm not a pirate."
"Oh really? Then what's with the wooden leg?"
"I was trying to swim out of the island. A shark bit my leg off and I had to replace it with this plank of wood."
"Well, what about the hand?"
"While foraging for food in the island, a snake bit my hand and I had to cut it off, then replaced it with this hook."
"Okay. But what about the eye patch?"
"That's from seagull poop."
"Wait, seagull poop makes you blind?"
"No, it was just my first day with the hook."
#oldbutgold
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A very shy person wanted to learn how to approach a girl.
So he went to watch a video on how to overcome shyness and talk to girls.
In the video, the coach made a demo where he approched a girl and immediately asked her to guess a number from 1 to 9.
The girl said 4, so the coach smiled and replied that the number she picked was the right one and that he can give her a kiss as a gift.
So the shy person went to apply what he learned, he approached a girl asked her to guess a number and when she answered 5 he was very disappointed.
#other
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A gay couple, was feeling hot n bothered on a plane and so decided to join the mile high club...
"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah.
"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a napkin, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Timothy.
So Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass.
#oldbutgold
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I hate it when people show me pictures of their kids.
I'm sorry. They're missing, now move on.
#other
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My wife and I sat down with our son and I said…
“Billy, you were adopted.” Billy looked at us. His face was red and full of anger “I demand to meet my biological parents!” My wife softly said “We ARE your biological parents. Now, hurry and pack.”
#oldbutgold
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How do you make Budweiser?
Send him to school.
#wordplay
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What did the police say when they arrested the man pretending to be Mozart?
Come, poser!
#wordplay
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Daughter: "Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?"
Me: "Wow, I thought most only had 4."
#wordplay
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A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are playing poker when the cops raid the game.
The lead officer questions the priest, “Father Murphy, were you gambling?
Father Murphy silently asks God to forgive him for what he is about to say. “No, Officer. I was not gambling.”
The cop turns to the minister, “Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?”
Pastor Johnson also appeals to Heaven. “No, Officer. I was not gambling.”
The cop finally turns to the rabbi. “Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?”
“Gambling?” he asks, glancing at the priest and the minister. “With who?”
#other
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How would a drummer get paid if he started selling pillows?
Per cushion.
#wordplay
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On his deathbed, an old Jew says to his wife,
“Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me.”
The wife nodded dutifully, “I was, Moshe”
He labored a bit and then said, “When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again.”
The wife tearfully said, “I was, Moshe”
“And now you're at my death bed, aren't you?”, added Moshe.
The wife replied, “I am, darling.”
The old Jew sighed, “I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.”
#oldbutgold
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Dammit, i killed my photographer friend by accident.
I misunderstood when he said he wanted to be shot with the Canon :(
#wordplay
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Science puns make me numb.
Math puns make me number.
#wordplay
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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away.
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
#oldbutgold
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How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One! Because they are very effective and don't have a sense of humor!"
#other
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Sometimes when my wife is sad I let her color my tatoos.
She just needs a shoulder to crayon...
#wordplay
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My wife is furious at our next-door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard..
Personally, I’m on the fence.
#wordplay
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My friend said that he doesn't understand Cloning.
I said,well that makes the two of us.
#wordplay
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I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
#wordplay
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All my friends tell me I'm a pussy magnet.
Unfortunately I'm the wrong polarity.
#other
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Dating in your 40's is like looking for a parking spot....
The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.
#wordplay
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I never understood why they named the show "SpongeBob"
Patrick was literally the star of the show
#wordplay
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How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
#wordplay
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Can anyone tell me what FOMO stands for?
Everyone else seems to know.
#other
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I met a really hot girl who was half Japanese and half Philipino.
I think I might have ruined our relationship as I kept calling her a jalapeño.
#wordplay
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A Russian greets his friend: “Have you heard? Pravda is running a contest for the best political joke. The first prize is 20 years.”
#politics
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I don't take elevators
In fact, I take steps to avoid them.
#wordplay
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What's the difference between a casual dinner party and a pirate orgy.
The dinner party you come as you are, the orgy you arrr as you cum.
#wordplay
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I got fired from Microsoft...
but I excel at finding new jobs. This is because I have a way with words, and a positive outlook on life
#wordplay
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A famous cardiologist died.
In his honour, his grave was cut in the shape of a heart. As the heart shaped coffin was being layed into the grave, an old man was laughing uncontrollably.
Someone asked the man his reason for laughing on a such grievous occasion. The man replied, "I am a famous doctor myself. I was laughing thinking about what my grave would look like." "What is the area of your expertise?"
The man replied, "I am a gynecologist."
#oldbutgold
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