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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
My wife told our son not to play with electricity.
Now he’s grounded.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What do you call a Urologist who is on social media?
A TikTok Dick Doc
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Two lawyers walk into a restaurant, sit down at a table, order a coffee and pull out sandwiches from their suitcases. An angry waitress approaches them, exclaiming "Excuse me, you can't eat your own food here!" The lawyers look at her, then at each other and exchange the sandwiches.
#other
@Sickipedia
I started a support group for men with premature ejaculation.
Our first meeting will be yesterday.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
I don't want to be xenophobic but...
It's always foreign DNA which is found at crime scenes.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Technically, the earth IS flat
It's not like the oceans are sparkling
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I used to be addicted to swimming
I'm happy to say that I have been dry for six months
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I confessed to my wife that I get aroused by my reflection in the mirror.
She told me not to be so hard on myself.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I added lunges into my workout routine.
I think it's a big step forward.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Math teachers are lonely
They continuously ask their students to find their x
#wordplay
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What cheese is made backwards?
Edam
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Fighter: I must avenge my brother's death!
Bard: You can count on me!
Dwarf: You can count on me!
Necromancer: You can count on your brother!
#other
@Sickipedia
What did salt say to pepper when their friends were running late?
Don’t worry, rosemary and sage are cumin. They will get here in due thyme.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What's a pdf file?
And why is my uncle accused of being one?
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I just had a near sex experience.
It’s true. My wife flashed before my eyes.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A man walks into a gay bar..
Awhile later, he comes out
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
The old church needed a fresh coat of paint
But money was tight in the budget, so the pastor figured he would save a few bucks by only buying about half the paint that was needed and thinning it out with turpentine to make it go farther. So he did this, and the next Saturday the entire congregation gathered to help paint the church.
They worked all day, from dawn til dusk, and when they were finished the church had a beautiful fresh coat of paint. But just as they were packing up to go home, storm clouds suddenly rolled in, and a torrential downpour began. The rain washed all of the thinned paint off the church's walls, undoing their whole day's work.
And a mighty voice boomed down from the heavens: "REPAINT... and thin no more!!"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I found my wife’s Tinder profile and I am furious with all of her lies
She is NOT adventurous and fun to be around
#other
@Sickipedia
Want to hear a really pedantic joke?
Well technically you're just reading it.
#antijoke
@Sickipedia
I remember the first time I made love to my wife and I asked her: "Am I the first one?" She said:
"Why does everyone always ask me that?"
#other
@Sickipedia
Why did Mike Tyson go to a Christian Plastic Surgeon?
To get a Faith Lift
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician join a study on scientists' ability to survive in the wild
All three are left in different part of a desert island overnight, each with a can of beans but no openers.
The researchers come back in the morning to check on the scientists.
The engineer is sleeping soundly, next to an open can. Once woken up, he explains: "Well tin cans aren't that strong, so I kept bashing this can against a rock many times, until it gave in and opened up".
The physicist is also sleeping soundly (albeit in an awkward position like all physicists do), next to a neatly opened can. He goes to explain:" You see, the tension forces created by the joints between the different sheets of metal making the can means that if you apply precise forces on a few pressure points, the can just plops open. You can do this without effort, even with your bare hands"
The researchers then move on to the mathematician. As they approach him, they see that the can is still intact, while the mathematician is lying next to it in a fetal position, shivering, and continuously repeating: "Let's assume the can is open. Let's assume the can is open..."
#other
@Sickipedia
A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d love to be eight again.” she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. “I meant my dress size!
#other
@Sickipedia
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out.
#other
@Sickipedia
A private investigator is contacted with a job offer, and asked to come to the penthouse suite of a skyscraper.
During the long elevator ride up, he can't help but wonder what the job is, and whether it's worth taking. When he finally arrives in the suite, he finds a well-dressed gentleman sitting at a desk, who explains: "There's this guy, see, and he never blinks. I want you to investigate him, find out who he is."
The detective, offended, replies "You brought me all the way here for some guy who doesn't blink? I'm not accepting the job, I'm leaving!"
The gentleman presses a button beneath his desk, smirks and says, "Ah, you can't leave. I've locked down the elevator, so you're not getting out unless you agree to investigate."
Defeated, the detective agrees: "Well, the elevator's locked down. I guess I have no choice but to take the stare case.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Why do pediatricians get so mad?
They have little patience.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Cop: Are you on drugs ?
Guy: Why would I sit on drugs ?
Cop: Have you taken any ?
Guy: Taken them where ?
Cop: I meant used drugs.
Guy: I prefer new.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Obscure history/biology joke I couldn't get out of my head, so I had to post it somewhere:
"I've invited you all to this press conference to tell you that my experiments in Parthian-genesis have proven highly successful."
"Professor, you mean parthenogenesis, right? Like in asexual reproduction?"
"No, I didn't mean that at all. Why would you think that?"
"But..."
"Anyway, I also invited you to warn that Rome has better improve its defences pretty darn soon."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Two men, an American and a Russian were arguing. One said,
“in my country I can go to the white house walk to the president's office and pound the desk and say "Mr president! I don't like how you're running things in this country!"
"I can do that too!"
"Really?"
"Yes! I can go to the Kremlin, walk into the general secretary's office and pound the desk and say, Mr. secretary, I don't like how Reagan is running his country!"
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
I have a disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes.
My doctor says it’s terminal.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia