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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Once there was a farmer who was very protective of his three daughters.
One day, the three daughters told the farmer that they were all going on a date. So, the farmer, being the protective father he was, grabbed his shotgun and walked outside. Suddenly, a car pulled in, and a man stepped out it. He went up to the farmer and said:
“Hello, my name is Freddy, I am here for Betty. We’re going for spaghetti. Is she ready?”
The farmer called for Betty, the first daughter, and she came. The man and Betty then got into the car and drove off. About 30 seconds later, the second car pulled in. Another man stepped out of it and went up to the farmer.
“Hello, my name is Joe. I am here for Flo. Is she good to go?”
The farmer called for Flo, the second daughter, and the man lead her into the car and then went inside the car as well. They drove off.
Another 30 seconds passed, and the third and final car pulled in. A man stepped out it and approached the farmer.
“Hello, my name is Chuck, I am here for-“ The farmer shot him.
#wordplay
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My wife is 9 months pregnant with our first child and is due to pop any day now. My parents came out to visit us and to help with the baby when it arrives. I was sitting on the back porch with my father talking, and he said.
"Son, you're going to be a father yourself soon. I'm very proud of you, and I think you're ready for this.*
With that, he gave me a very old book, richly bound, with the title in gold letters reading "1001 Dad Jokes."
My eyes filled with tears of love. "Dad." I said, around the lump that had suddenly risen in my throat, "I'm honored." My father smiled at me and said,
"HI HONORED, I'M DAD."
#other
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A young girl asks her father, “Daddy what does the word ‘corruption’ mean?”
“Bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.”
“But mummy says you shouldn’t drink!”
“Get a nice ice cream as well while you bring me beer.”
“Oh, okay!”
#other
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At an international meeting of Brewing Companies three CEO's decided to share a drink before leaving.
As they reached the bar the CEO of Budweiser said he'd have the best beer in the world and ordered a bud.
The CEO of Whitbread begged to differ and said the best beer in the world is Trophy Bitter and he ordered one.
When it was the CEO of Guinness' turn he ordered a coke.
The other two CEOs were aghast and asked why he wasn't drinking a Guinness.
He replied as you two were ordering soft drinks I thought I'd join you.
#oldbutgold
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At his wedding, my buddy told me that I’m the worst best man he has ever seen.
I…was speechless.
#wordplay
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Why are balloons so expensive?
Inflation.
#wordplay
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Why is Dwayne Johnson the only man that can turn lesbians?
Because Rock beats scissors.
#wordplay
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I have a disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes.
My doctor says it’s terminal.
#wordplay
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When my wife is sad I let her color in my tattoos.
I give her a shoulder to crayon.
#wordplay
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The secret to making Congress more efficient is to replace all the people with horses.
Sure, every vote would end in “neighs,” but hay, at least the housing market would be stable.
#wordplay
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What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush.
#wordplay
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How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They use gas lighting
#wordplay
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If a transformer adopted a human baby, what would the baby's name be?
Carson
#wordplay
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Sadly, my friend from Russia was divorcing his spouse. They were married in their home country long time ago.
I tried to console him by saying, “Not all Soviet Unions were meant to last!”
#wordpplay
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My wife asked me how my job was going at the battery factory.
I told her it has its pluses and minuses.
#wordplay
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It's a known fact that girls mature faster than boys:
Girls get boobs around 13 years of age, and boy don't get boobs until about 40.
#other
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One day, the US military decided to take a poll to see how the different branches handle a specific situation, in this case a scorpion in a service member's tent. One representative from each major branch is selected, and each answers privately.
The question was a simple one: "There is a scorpion in your tent. What do you do?"
Army: "I would crush it with my boot and throw it outside."
Navy: "I would pick it up by the tail and throw it outside."
Marines: "I'd bite its head off before cooking and eating it."
Air Force: "I'd call down to the front desk and ask why there's a tent in my hotel room."
#other
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Vladimir Putin was visiting an elementary school in Russia.
After Putin explained to the kids how Russia is the most glorious and best nation in the world, he asked if any of the children had any questions.
Suddenly, Aleksandr put his hand up.
“Yes?” Putin said, as he pointed at Aleksandr.
“Why do you want to reunite the Soviet Union and why are trying to take Crimea?” Aleksandr asked.
“Well, the correct reason we are invading Ukraine is…” before Putin could finish his sentence, the bell rang, and all the children rushed out the classroom to have lunch. However, the children were also confused, as the bell wasn’t supposed to go this early. The lunch break seemed much longer than usual to many children.
When the bell rang again and the children got back into the classroom, Putin and the teacher were waiting there.
“Any more questions?” Putin asked.
Damien shot his hand up almost immediately.
“Yes, Damien?” Putin said, pointing at Damien.
“Well, I have four questions.” Damien said.
“Go ahead and ask them.” Putin replied.
“Why do you want to reunite the Soviet Union? Why do you want to take Crimea? Why did the bell for lunch ring 20 minutes early? And where is Aleksandr?”
#oldbutgold
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I took my girlfriend to see Disney on Ice and it sucked
It was just some old dead guy in a box
#other
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My Tinder bio says very honestly that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, that I drive a $500k vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel...
My dates are usually furious, though, when they discover I'm a bus driver.
#other
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Did you hear about the italian who broke both of his arms?
he couldn't talk for a whole month.
#other
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I like my women like I like a Boeing 737 MAX
More likely to go down on me
#sexandshit
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The prostitute put on her clothes and said…
“It was a business doing pleasure with you.”
#wordplay
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What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison
#oldbutgold
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Why was Heisenberg’s wife always sad?
Because when he had the position, he didn’t have the momentum, and when he had the momentum, he didn’t have the position.
#other
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What’s the difference between a casual dinner party and a pirate orgy?
In one you come as you are in the other you ARRRR as you cum.
#wordplay
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Last night I had to make the difficult decision on behalf of my wife to pull the plug.
Then she’s all like, “HEY! I wasn’t done with my bath!”
#wordplay
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I didn't know that Sylvester Stallone is on his third marriage...
I guess his first one was rocky, and his second was rocky too.
#wordplay
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An American, a Frenchman and a Russian bet who has the strongest alcohol.
An American, a Brit and a Russian bet who has the strongest alcohol. First goes the Frenchman, who takes a big gulp of his red wine. The other two men place a chair in front of him and ask the man "How many chairs do you see?" The drunk Frenchman responds "I see two chairs." Next goes the American. He takes a shot of whiskey and when asked about the chairs, he responds "I see 4!" And finally, when it's the Russian's turn, he without hesitation drinks a whole bottle of vodka. "So? Tell us, how many chairs are there?!" impatiently asks the Frenchman. "In which row?"
#russians
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You hear about the guy who masturbated to Jennifer Lawrence’s feet pics but he thought they were Jennifer Love Hewitt’s?
He got off on the wrong foot…
#wordplay
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