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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me she’s pregnant.
She has the worst stutter ever.
#other
@Sickipedia
If joe biden’s wife is the First lady then what do we call his mother?
Joe Mama
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I suggested to my wife we go to the pub separately to relive our very first date.
So she walked over to me and asked "Can I buy you a drink handsome" I replied "Fuck off I'm not falling for that again"
#other
@Sickipedia
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”
The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…
“Son, go get your Mother.”
#other
@Sickipedia
Every morning when I go out of my house, a bike comes out of nowhere and tries to attack me.
It’s a ..vicious cycle.
#wordplaa
@Sickipedia
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding
She got mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
One day my dad pulled up a chair, sat me on his knee and said, "Son,...
... someday we'll have two chairs."
#other
@Sickipedia
Little Johnny was doing his maths homework.
He says out loud, "One plus six, that son of a bitch is seven. Four plus four, that son of a bitch is eight." His mum overhears this and is shocked! she says to him, "What are you doing Johnny?" Johnny replies, "I am just doing my maths homework." " And is this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asks. "Yes," Johnny replies. The mother is now angry and immediately phones Johnny's teacher, "What on earth are you teaching my son in class?" she asks. The teacher replies, "Right now, we are learning mathematical addition." The mother asks, "And are you teaching them to say one plus six, that son of a bitch is seven?" After the teacher stopped laughing hysterically, she answers, "What I taught them to say was, one plus six, the sum of which is seven."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Have you ever noticed how most Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus
#other
@Sickipedia
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life
They thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "SO YOU LIKE GUYS, Don t Ya ?"
#other
@Sickipedia
Women say they like a man who is "funny" and "spontaneous"
But you knock on their bedroom window at midnight wearing a clown costume and suddenly it's all screaming and throwing things and police sirens.
#other
@Sickipedia
A man is sitting on a flight from NYC to London
He feels a little cold, so he asks the cabin attendant for a blanket. The cabin crew completely ignores him. On the seat next to him is no other than a parrot. The parrot screams "get me a scotch on the rocks you stupid cunt". Not a moment passes and the parrot gets a nice glass of whiskey. The man asks for a blanket again only to be ignored. "Hey, old cow" yells the parrot "where's my snacks?" Peanuts, cashews and salted almonds find themselves immediately on the parrot's tray. The man gives up "I'm freezing you stupid bitch. What the hell do I need to do to get a fuckin' blanket on this shit of a flight?!" The flight attendant says something into a comm system and a big man comes, opens the door at 37,000ft and throws both the man and the parrot out of the plane. On the way down, the parrot takes a good look at the man and says: "you know something? You're pretty brave for someone with no wings"
#other
@Sickipedia
A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.
He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes. So he calls emergency services and says
"I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?"
"Well," the operator said, "Are they moving?"
"I don't know," he said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
At the gates of Heaven, St. Peter says, “aight y’all. We’re under-staffed…
and frankly I’m just trying to get fired at this point. We can’t just let any goody-two-shoes into Heaven anymore and I just don’t give a fuck so you’re only allowed in if you’ve had a particularly brutal death. Because I’m St motherfucking Peter and I said so.”
This fat guy walks up. “I think I should be a shoe-in. I’d suspected my wife for quite some time. I just knew she was cheating. So I came home early from work to see if I could catch her and she was acting weird when I walked in - ‘oh honey! I didn’t expect you home early! I was just going to order food! Do you want anything! I just love your tie! What are you doing? Can I help you find something? Honey, just relax! What are you looking for! Honey please! No stop! You just relax and tell me what you’re looking for! Honey!’ Then I heard a noise outside and found the asshole. He was hanging off our third story balcony so I started whacking him with my briefcase. But the fucker was tenacious. He just wouldn’t let go! I ran into the house and I was so furious that I yanked the refrigerator out of the wall, and shoved the entire thing over the edge of the balcony and killed the bastard hahaha! But from all the stress I guess I had a heart attack and now I’m here…”
St Peter says, “bruh that’s metal. Get on in.”
Another guy walks ups: “I really don’t understand. I was just trimming some plants on my 4th story balcony and I lost balance. I caught the railing of the balcony below mine and this fat guy comes up and starts hitting me! I don’t know what his problem was but he shoved an entire refrigerator over the edge and crushed me!”
St Peter: Oh shit haha! Yeah you’re in!
Another guy walks up: “this is kind of a long story, but I was hiding naked inside a refrigerator…”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Russian are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says "They look so calm, they must be British."
The Frenchmen responds "No no! They're naked, so beautiful, they must be French!"
The Russian says "They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat and they are being told this is paradise? They're clearly Russian."
#russians
@Sickipedia
Why don’t Americans make jokes about mass shootings?
Because it’s always too soon.
#roast
@Sickipedia
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.
"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
#boomerhumor
@Sickipedia
Mary comes home after tending to the garden….
Joseph has a warm pie on the table. He cuts Mary a peice of pie and she is thrilled by how amazing it tastes. So she asks Joseph, “Where did you get this pie from?”
Joseph tells Mary “I baked it!”
“Baked it?” Says Mary.
“Yes, right here in our home from scratch!” Says Joseph.
Mary looks at him confused then says “But we don’t have an oven.”
So Joseph looks her straight in the eyes and say “God helped me.”
Mary looks at Joseph annoyed, “Please, not this again.” as Joseph screams
“YOU SEE HOW THAT SOUNDS MARY?!?!?!?”
#religion
@Sickipedia
“69” is now known as “96”.
Thanks to inflation the cost of eating out has gone way up.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A man is working out with a blonde nearby
He gets hot while doing his sets so he takes off his shirt. The blonde winks and says "Wow, you've got some nice pecs there."
The man smirks and says "100 pounds of pure dynamite, babe." and returns to his workout. A few minutes go by and he gets hotter so he takes off his pants.
The blonde winks again and says "Wow, you've got some nice calves too."
The man smiles and says "100 pounds of pure dynamite, babe." and returns to his workout.
After another few minutes he gets so hot that he takes off his underwear. With no hesitation, the blonde screams and runs away. The man chased her down and when he caught up to her, asked "What was that all about? Why did you run away from me like that?"
Blonde says, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
2 nuns were sitting on a park bench when a guy came running through and flashed them. One of the nuns had a stroke...
The other one couldn't reach.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A guy was walking through the woods, and finds a lamp on the ground, he picks it up and rubs it and a genie comes out.
The dude goes "Whoa! A Genie!" And the genie looking really bored is like, "Alright go ahead, you got 2 wishes.." The dudes like, "Only 2? I thought everyone gets 3? What kind of bullshit genie are you?" And the genie says, "Look in your pants." And the guy does and says "Holy crap! My dick is huge!" And the genie says,"Yeah, I've been doing this a loooooooong time."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
11:38 - Arrived at crime scene.
11:38 - Examined body. Signs of a struggle.
11:38 - Found murder weapon in drain.
11:38 - Realised watch was broken.
#other
@Sickipedia
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies."
I replied, "Well, tell him he's really good - I haven't got any kids!"
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
God: "Adam, I'll let you name the birds"
Adam: "Tit"
God: "Uhh ok"
Adam: "Boobie"
God: "Stop naming them after breasts"
Adam: Looks at rooster
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I have a friend who has sex 3-4 times a week. Works out every day. And reads at least two books a week.
But all this guy ever does is complain about prison.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in between two identical twins.
It was impossible..to differentiate between them.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What do you get if you cross a shark with an octopus?
You get a call from the research ethics board and immediate withdrawal of your funding.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
An 80 year old lady was marrying for the 4th time.
A newspaper asked if she wouldn't mind talking about her first 3 husbands and what they did for a living.
She smiled and said, "My first husband was a banker, then I married a circus ringmaster, next was a preacher and now in my 80's, a funeral director."
When asked why the 4 men had such diverse careers, she explained, "I married one for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready and 4 to go."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Next year, I'm moving to Greenwich, England
I don't know what I'll do in the mean time.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia