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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
How does an alchemist make his wife happy?
Elixer
#wordplay
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What is worse than finding a hair in your soup
Finding C4
#other
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A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down!,” the tree complains, “I’m a talking tree!”
The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
#wordplay
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A man goes to his friend's house and knocks on the door.
The wife responds and only had a towel on her.
The man looks at her and says: is your husband here?
She said: yes, he's taking a bath.
The man: I'll give you $100 if you drop the towel.
Wife: you are crazy, I would never do that.
The man: I'll give you $250 if you drop it.
Wife: I told you no. what do you want?
The man: okay, $500!
Wife thinks and says: okay but fast.
She drops the towel, and the man gives her the $500 and tells her. Thank you, tell your husband I'll be back later.
The wife walks in, and the husband asks who it was.
Wife: It was John looking for you, but he says he's coming later.
Husband: oh! did he give you the $500 that he owes me.
#sexandshit
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A man walks into a bar and sees another man at the bar with a dog next to him.
He says to him, "Hey there, does your dog bite?" and the man says "No mate, my dog's the friendliest creature in the world, you can do anything with him."
So he goes to pat the dog and it absolutely goes for him and by the time three other men in the bar manage to get it off him he's bleeding in half a dozen places and his clothes are torn to shreds. He says to the man at the bar "I thought you said your dog didn't bite?!"
"...That's not my dog," he answers.
#other
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A nun and a priest decide to take a day off, so they go golfing. The nun gets a hole-in-one, but the priest hits it into a sand trap. He's so angry, he shouts "God dammit, I missed!".
The nun reminds him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and the priest apologizes and tries again. He hits it into the rough, and in his anger, shouts "God dammit, I MISSED!". The nun once again tells him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and he apologizes again. On his third shot, he hits it into the water and yells "GOD DAMMIT I MISSED!" and before the nun can say anything, a bolt of lightning strikes the nun, killing her instantly. Out of nowhere, a loud voice booms "dammit, I missed".
#religion
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A guy is lying on his death bed and he smells his wife cooking some delicious brisket. He turns to his son and says "please bring me some of that delicious food so that I can taste it one last time", his son goes to the kitchen but then returns to his dad empty handed "Mum said it's for the funeral".
#other
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My gf slept with another man for 1 million dollars, I was so mad and went to his house.
We're both millionaires now
#other
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Yo mama's so dumb, she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind
#roast
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Recently, I asked a woman what she'd like to see in a man and she said "honesty". She asked me what I'd like to see in a woman and I said...
My penis
#sexandshit
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What are the three words you never want to hear while having sex?
"Honey, I'm home!"
#sexandshit
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Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a 3 bedroom suite on the 75th floor of a hotel.
When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but all the elevators are broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."
Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stories. The three of them agreed that, to make it less boring, Al would tell the other two his funniest stories while they climbed from floors 1 to 25, Ben would tell his scariest stories from floors 26 to 50, and Carl would tell his saddest stories from floors 51 to 75.
They started to climb the stairs, and Al started to tell funny stories. By the time they reached the 25th floor, Ben and Carl were laughing hysterically.
Then Ben started to tell scary stories. By the time they reached the 50th floor, Al and Carl were hugging each other in fear.
Then Carl started to tell sad stories. "I'll tell my saddest story of all first," he said. "There once was a man named Carl who left the hotel room key in the car..."
#other
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I don’t know why necrophilia is illegal
I’ve never heard a complaint
#sexandshit
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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
10.
1 to change the bulb and 9 to tell you how much better they could've done it
#other
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Rumour got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill..
Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.
"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"
"I do." said the bear.
"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.
"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wolf was found dead on the forest floor.
The fox came later that day to confront the bear.
"Bear," she said. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"
"I do." said the bear.
"And... Is my name on it?" she asked.
"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, fox's mangled remains were found lying on the forest floor.
That day the rabbit, too, decided to confront the bear.
"Bear," he said. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"
"I do." said the bear.
"And... Is my name on it?" asked the rabbit.
"It is." the bear growled.
"Can - can you remove it?"
"Oh, for sure."
#other
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A child asked her mom "how did I come to this world?"
The mom, misty eyed answered, “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. Soon afterwards, when it was ready... we dried it, smoked it and then got so high that we had sex without a condom".
#other
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What's long, hard, has the letters D, C, K, I, and has cum in it?
Dick
#antijoke
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I tried jabbing a hole in my condom to get my girlfriend pregnant…
Now I just need to figure out how to get my dick to stop bleeding
#sexandshit
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On their wedding night, the groom asks his new bride, "Honey, am I your first?"
She replied, "Why does everyone ask me that??"
#other
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An old man goes to the drugstore and ask the pharmacist, "Do they make any pills that can help a man be more confident in having sex with his wife?"
The pharmacist replies, "Certainly, that sort of thing is actually more common that you may know. I take Viagra pills myself and it works quite well."
The old man asks, "Can you get it over the counter?"
The pharmacist thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, probably if I took 2 or 3 of them at once."
#wordplay
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Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don't like fast food.
#wordplay
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What has 5 letters and tastes like blood?
Brick
#other
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A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident", I just lost it.
"CASE DISMISSED!"
#wordplay
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Yo mama so fat, when she walked past the TV, I missed three episodes.
#roast
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I got my kid a puppy as a present,but it died before Christmas
Now I’m fucking stuck taking care of a puppy
#other
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A woman giving birth went into a coma for a few days
When she woke up, the doctor told her, “congratulations, you gave birth to healthy twins: a girl and a boy. Your ex-boyfriend visited and named them for you”
The woman replies, “no not him! What did he name the boy?”
Doctor: Mason
Woman: Oh that’s actually not a bad name. How about the girl?
Doctor: Madaughter
#wordplay
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The boss started to notice that one of his employees, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention..
So, one day he asks Dave about his secret.
Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".
Later that day, the boss gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex.
So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:
"Dave, is that you?".
#sexandshit
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A general, a colonel and a major were having a heated argument on the subject of sex.
The general maintained that sex was 60 percent work and 40 percent fun. The colonel said that it was 75 percent work and 25 percent fun. The major thought it was 90 percent work and 10 percent fun.
At the height of the argument, a private appeared at the door. "Let's leave it to him," said the major. The private listened carefully and said with an air of absolute finality, "If you will pardon me sirs, sex is 100% fun and no work at all." "How do you figure that ?!," cried the astonished officers.
"It is very simple," said the private. "If there was any work in it at all, you guys would have me doing it for you."
#other
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A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right every single time.”
Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.
He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
#oldbutgold
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What is the difference between light and hard?
Most guys can fall asleep with a light on.
#wordplay
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