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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Cybersecurity experts have found an easy way to spot North Korean hackers. They never use the shift key.
They hate capitalism.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What do you call a slut who keeps track of how many men she has slept with?
It's the thot that counts.
#wordplay
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Ordered Jack and Coke. Bartender asked if Pepsi was ok. I said sure
So he made me a Pepsi and Coke
#other
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A lifeguard caught me peeing in a pool and blew their whistle at me.
Scared me so much I almost fell in.
#other
@Sickipedia
A woman pregnant with triplets had a hunting accident with a pumpgun
She was rushed to surgery, but 3 of the bugshot shards could not get removed without endangering the kids, so they remained in her.
Later she delivers 2 boys and a girl, all healthy and well. Time goes by and nobody even thinks about the accident anymore, when they all become teenagers.
Then one day, one of the boys runs to him mum: "Mum, I was standing in front of the toilet, peeing, when suddenly i heard a sharp PLING-sound!" The mother, remembering the accident tells him not to worry about it, it wouldnt happen again.
The next day, the daughter comes running to her. "Mum, I was sitting on the toilet, peeing, when suddenly I heard a sharp PLING!" Again, the mother tells her not to worry, it would never happen again.
Again a day later, the last son came running to his mother. She said: "I know, you were peeing and you heard a weird sound, right?"
"No..." said the son, scratching his head. "I was jerking off, and when I came I somehow shot the cat!"
#other
@Sickipedia
It's St Peter's day off and Jesus is manning the Pearly Gates...
When an old man arrives seeking admission. Jesus starts running through the application form.
"Name?" says Jesus in bored tone of voice.
"Joseph." The old man replies.
"Occupation?" Jesus drone on.
"Carpenter." Jesus looks up a little surprised but he continues.
"Children?" Jesus asks hopefully.
"One boy" says the old man "but he was adopted really."
Jesus can't believe his senses, could his earthly father look so different now?
"Your son," asks Jesus "did he have holes in his hands like these?" showing off the results of his crucifixion.
"Yes!" Shouts the old man in delight.
"And did he have holes in his feet like these?" asks Jesus hitching up his robe.
"Yes he did!" says the old man, his eyes shining bright.
"Dad!" shouts Jesus his eyes flooding with tears of joy.
"Pinocchio!" shouts the old man.
#religion
@Sickipedia
A medical student was examining a skeleton
“Here once was a penis”, said the student.
The professor replied, “probably more than once, this is a female skeleton”.
#sexandshit
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Why do vampires hate running a big business?
Too many stakeholders.
#wordplay
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One day an old Ukrainian man found an antique lamp
He starts it to polish it off and 'Poof', a genie appears in a cloud of smoke.
"Hoho, Mortal!" says the genie, stretching and yawning, "For releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
The old man thinks for a moment, and says, "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his mongol hordes, march to Ukraine's border, and then decide he doesn't want the place and march back home."
"No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"
"Ok. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his mongol hordes, march to the Ukraine's border, and then decide he doesn't want the place and march back home."
"Hmmm." The genie scratched his chin in confusion "Well, all right. Your third wish?"
"I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his —"
"Okokok. Right. What's this business about Genghis Khan marching to Ukraine and turning around again and again?"
The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."
#politics
@Sickipedia
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…
He wasn't happy when I started banging the doctor at my next visit.
Thanks, Johnny Sins.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
One day pope Francis dies and comes to the Pearly Gates. God himself is picking him up and guides him to his very own cloud. God leaves.
Francis has his own harp and uses his time to praise the lord. After some hours god shows up again carrying a silver tray with a yogurt on it and a spoon. This repeats for some days. One evening the clouds beneath break up and he has a straight look into hell: he sees the devils making big fires and grilling half pigs, even half cows on the fire. Wine is served and everyone is feasting on an abundance of food.
The next day god comes again with a yogurt. Francis curiosity gets the better of him and he tells god what he saw and asks him: “Lord, in your omniscience, how can it be that they are feasting in hell and I am just getting yogurt?”
God answers him: “do you really expect me to cook just for the two of us?”
#religion
@Sickipedia
Three women died and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter said to the first woman, "How many men did you sleep with in life?"
The first woman said, "I only slept with one man: my husband. And I didn't sleep with him until after we were married."
Saint Peter turned to the angel standing next to him and said, "Give her the key to the Silver Room."
The angel gave the woman a silver key, and the woman went into Heaven with the key.
Then Saint Peter said to the second woman, "How many men did you sleep with in life?"
"I remained a virgin my whole life, for I was a nun and I devoted my life to God."
Saint Peter turned to the angel and said, "Give her the key to the Golden Room."
The angel gave the woman a golden key, and the woman went into Heaven with the key.
Then Saint Peter said to the third woman, "How many men did you sleep with in life?"
"I slept with 13 men before I started dating my husband, 35 men while we were dating, 49 men while we were engaged, 56 men while were were married, and 28 men after he died."
Saint Peter turned to the angel and said, "Give her the key to my room."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Chuck Norris visited the Virgin Islands while on vacation. They are now only known as the Islands.
#olfbutgold
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A 95 year old man and his 94 year old wife see a lawyer about a divorce.
The lawyer asks them when they got married.
"I was 19" says the man.
"That means you've been married for 75 years at least" the lawyer points out
"Yes. And all of it misery" says the woman.
"Really? When did you start to regret the marriage?"
"Almost immediately, " says the man. "I hated her after about two years, and every year it gets worse. Everything about her is obnoxious and irritating."
"Oh lord, " says the woman, "I lasted three years but after that tolerating him in any way has been a huge problem. He has awful habits and treats me like trash."
The lawyer thinks for a moment.
"Well I can help you to get divorced, but why did you wait so long to apply for one if you've hated each other the whole time?"
She says: "We were waiting for the children to die"
#other
@Sickipedia
I saw my dwarf neighbor standing at the bus stop this morning so I stopped..
I said, "Jump in! I'll give you a lift!"
"Fuck off!" he said.
I thought to myself, "What an ungrateful shit" So I zipped up my backpack and kept walking home.
#other
@Sickipedia
A man has to go to the bathroom.
He enters and finds the only stall occupied.
He waits around for a few minutes, but the occupant doesn't move. He knocks on the Door and asks "Hey buddy, Sorry but I really gotta go, are you going to be long in there?"
The person inside replies with a thick accent:"What? Sorry no understand. My English not very good" "European?" Says the man "No" replies the one inside, "Ima shittin"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Mr. Smith and the pastor discuss the problem that Mrs. Smith always falls asleep during the sermon. The pastor gives Mr. Smith a hatpin and recommends that he prick her as soon as he receives a sign from the pastor.
The following Sunday, Mrs. Smith has fallen asleep peacefully, the pastor asks his congregation, "Who has sacrificed himself for you?" and gives Smith a hand signal, whereupon Smith jams the hatpin hard into Mrs. Smith's thigh. "JESUS!" she cries out in torment: "That's right, Mrs. Smith, it was Jesus," the priest replies with a grin.
A short time later, Mrs. Smith falls asleep again. The sermon continues and the pastor asks his congregation: "... Who is your Creator?" and points to Mr. Smith, who gives his wife the hatpin again. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" howls the poor woman loudly, whereupon the priest praises her again, "Quite right, Mrs. Smith!".
Mrs. Smith falls asleep once again. The pastor increases the tempo of the sermon. Completely engrossed in his holy remarks and gesticulating wildly, he shouts, "... and what did Eve say when she bore Adam his 99th son?" Smith misinterprets a hand movement of the priest and again takes full aim at the thigh of his wife. She roars in her pain: "IF YOU STICK YOUR DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT OFF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!""
AMEN!" shout all the women in the congregation.
#religion
@Sickipedia
If my son becomes a priest….
Do I call him son or father?
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
"A woman has a serious accident and ends up in the hospital undergoing surgery.
Her husband waits in the waiting room, distraught, when several hours later the surgeon exits the operating room and approaches him.
'Hello, the surgery went well. Unfortunately, the recovery will be very long. First, she'll need years of physical therapy, costing $2,000 per month.'
The husband starts to get worried. 'Then, she'll likely need more surgeries in the future, but they won't be covered by insurance and could amount to $100,000 to $150,000.'
The man starts to break into a cold sweat. 'And in reality, she'll need a high-quality wheelchair and a suitable vehicle for transporting the disabled, but with $30,000, you should manage.'
The husband, deeply concerned about the money, looks desperate. The doctor then pats him on the back and says,
'Don't worry dude, I was just kidding. She's dead!'
#illness
@Sickipedia
What don’t you want to hear in the middle of surgery?
“Where’s my watch?”
#other
@Sickipedia
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.
He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Why does Han Solo like gum?
Because it's chewy
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What's the hottest thing a teacher has ever said to you?
I remember the day vividly.
It was second grade, I believe, and we had started a unit on space. My teacher walked over to my desk, leaned down, and whispered,
“The sun is 27 million degrees Fahrenheit"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Keanu Reeves was offered the lead role in Wild Wild West, but turned it down to do The Matrix.
He really dodged a bullet there.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A husband and wife are eating breakfast.
The wife says, "I had a dream last night. I was at an auction, and they were auctioning penises. Nice-sized ones were going for $25, big ones were going for $50, and spectacular ones were going for $100."
The husband says, "Is that right? How much did one like mine go for?"
And the wife says, "50 cents!"
So the husband says, "You know, I also had a dream about an auction. In my dream they were auctioning vaginas. Okay ones were going for $25, pretty tight ones were going for $50, and really tight ones were going for $100."
The wife says, "Oh yeah? How much did one like mine go for?"
And the husband says, "That`s where they held the auction."
#sexandshir
@Sickipedia
A single Karen is called a Karen. A group of Karens is called ...
a homeowners association.
#other
@Sickipedia
Doctor : "After the operation, you will be able to meet your family members tomorrow!"
Patient: "But I am all alone Doctor!! All the family members have passed away!!"
Doctor : "I know"
#illness
@Sickipedia
A poor farmer has two sons; a smart one and a dumb one.
One day he goes to his smart son and he tell him “Bring this duck to the market and sell it for 5 dollars. If you sell for any extra go ahead and take that to the whorehouse on your way back home.”
So the son goes to the market with the duck, manages to sell it for 7 dollars and promptly goes to the whorehouse and spends the extra 2 dollars he had earned and gets home by the end of the day.
About a month later the farmer needs a few extra bucks so he decides to use the same plan with his sons. For some reason this time he can’t find his smart son so he goes to the dumb son and says again “take this duck to the market and sell it for 5 dollars. Any extra you earn you can go spend at the whorehouse on the way home.”
The dumb son leaves carrying the duck but after getting a couple miles out he gets horny and forgets what he was sent to do so he turns the truck straight to the whorehouse. Upon arrival the lady running the place asks him how he expects to pay and he says “well I got this duck.” The lady thinks it over and decides there’s no harm in getting paid a duck for a couple minutes. So she takes him into the next room and they have wild amazing sex. After they finish she says to him “Wow that was fantastic. Can we please do this again? I’ll even let you keep the duck.” And he happily agrees.
Now tired he goes to drive back home. On the drive the duck gets spooked and flies out the window, directly into the path of a semi. The semi driver immediately pulls over and so does the son. The driver says “Oh my god I’m so sorry I killed your duck, it all happened in a flash. Please take 15 dollars for your troubles.” And the son happily agrees and goes on his way.
Once he arrives home his father asks him how much money he got. The son proudly empties his pocket and shows his father the 15 big ones. The farmer is stunned and asks him exactly what happened that day. The son says “Well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 15 bucks for a fucked up duck!”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What's grey and hurts when it goes in your eye?
A chainsaw
#other
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A king sits on his throne. Suddenly, one of his knights enters.
The knight looks so tired he can barely stand. His armour is heavily battered and covered with dust, his sword is notched, his helmet is cracked...
King: Dear God, John! What happened to you?
Knight: Oh, I've been hard at work lately, Your Majesty. A heavy blow I dealt against your enemies to the north.
King: What? John, but I have no enemies to the north!
Knight: Really? (thinks for a moment) Oh well, you do now.
#other
@Sickipedia