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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Two men were washed ashore during WWI.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.
To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, confirming that it could arrive at their position in approximately two weeks.
The old vet sighed and shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it.
The young soldier scoffed. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?"
The older man shrugged. "It's better than a fortnight."
#wordplay
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The Geography of a Woman:
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still, a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain. With a glorious and all-conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel. Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:
Between 1 and 100, a man is like Iran and Russia: Ruled by a pair of nuts.
#politics
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A 3rd party app walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Hey pal, how you doing? You look kinda low". The app says "Yeah, I had a friend but they decided to end it. It was good while it lasted". Bartender says "Hey, I know how it feels. I'll make the first one a double; no extra charge". The app says, "No, thanks. I've already experienced one blackout".
#wordplay
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When you go to church in the morning you say, “Amen.”
When you go to church in the afternoon you say, “Pmen.”
#wordplay
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If "tomb" is pronounced "toom", "womb" is pronounced "woom" then shouldn't...
"bomb" be pronounced "BOOM".
I hope that blew your minds.
#wordplay
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Who’s the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
the one who can carry 2 cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.
#sexandshit
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A scientist walks into an AA meeting. “I’ve just invented a cure for alcoholism! Take one of these pills and you’ll never be a problem drinker again!”
An attendee replies: “What happens if you take two?”
#other
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Hey Guys...Next time you're having an argument with your wife, start undressing.
She will instantly have a headache and then go to sleep.
#boomerhumor
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I told myself I should stop drinking...
But I'm not going to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.
#other
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2 condoms are walking pass a gay bar...
one suggested they should go in and get shitfaced
#sexnadshit
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Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.”
Receptionist: “Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn’t work that way.”
#sexsndshit
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How did the trans guy come out to his parents?
“There’s something that I really need to get off of my chest”
#wordplay
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A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says...
He’s never been with a prostitute before, so excitedly he says, what the hell
They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”
#oldbutgold
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2 cowboys talking about sex. 1 cowboy says "I like the rodeo position!"
"I haven't heard of that ... " says the other cowboy, "what is it ?" "Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper "these feel just like your sisters" and try and hold on for 8 seconds !"
#sexandshit
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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice...
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;
“What’s for dinner honey?”
No answer. He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer. He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is standing right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”
#oldbutgold
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Teacher: What did you do on the weekend?
Student: I did some cooking.
Teacher: Lovely, what did you bake?
Student: Synonym rolls just like Grammar used to make!
#wordpla
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- Mom can I get a motorcycle?
- Do you remember what happened to your uncle Louie?
- That horrible, awful accident that killed him…
- So you don’t want me to buy a motorcycle?
- No, you can have his
#other
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A man got a call from his health insurance company.
"Sir, I'm calling to tell you that your claim has been rejected."
"But why?" Asked the man.
*"I'll be blunt. We do not reimburse people for sleeping with prostitutes." *
"But it was ordered by my doctor, I swear!"
"Sir, I have worked here many years and I have never seen a primary care physician prescribe sex with a hooker."
"But he did. He told me that I needed Whore Moan therapy..."
#wordplay
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When Bill and Hillary Clinton got married, Bill informed Hillary that he had a shoebox under the bed, and she was never to open it under any circumstances. Hillary agreed and promised to never open the box.
Hillary respected his wish as the years went by and kept her promise. But after several years of marriage, Hillary's curiosity got the best of her. She opened the box and found several hundred dollars in cash, and a couple of empty beer cans.
She felt guilty, and confessed to Bill that she had opened the shoebox, apologizing profusely. Bill said it was okay, but Hillary asked him, "what are the beer cans for?"
Bill replies "Hillary, every time I was unfaithful to you, I drank a beer and promised never to do it again." Hillary is taken aback, but not surprised. She thought well there was Monica, maybe one other woman, I guess that's not too bad. It's all good. He was the president and had some flings here and there.
She then asks Bill "what's all the cash for?" Bill says "well, every time the box got full, I took it to the recycling center for the deposit."
#sexandshit
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The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:
The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:
Since he was a chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked. "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold." The meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes." The man at National Weather Service again replied. "It's going to be a very cold winter."
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely." The man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."
"How can you be so sure?" The chief asked.
The weatherman replied. "The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood"
#other
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A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. NO, not in the living room, she said to herself.
Instead, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
#oldbutgold
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What’s the difference between Barbie and Oppenheimer?
Barbie product first manufactured in Japan and released in America. Oppenheimer product first manufactured in America and released in Japan.
#other
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I got in line to watch Oppenheimer around lunchtime, but I realized it was three hours long and I was starving.
So I went to the Barbie queue instead.
#wordplay
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A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks “Do you sell condoms for extremely large penises?”
“Yes we do,” said the pharmacist. “Do you need to buy some?”
“No,” she replied, “but if you don’t mind I’m just going to wait here.”
#sexandshit
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Today a woman knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave her a glass of water. I love supporting the comminity.
#other
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An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker club bar
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"
#other
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If Stranger Things was British it’d be called
Bit Odd Innit?
#other
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The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her..
I said no. I can't deal with 'High' 'Maintenance' women
#wordplay
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A naked woman robbed a bank in broad daylight
She wasn't caught, cause no one from the bank remembers her face.
#oldbutgold
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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."
#other
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