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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
I need to stop making suicide jokes
This is my last one
#other
@Sickipedia
Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it."
The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing..."Psst...come here. I need to talk to you." "What?" "It's about your wife." "Yeah, what about her?" "And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee." "What!" "Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on. "Holy shit...that can't be possible." "It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy." "Well," the man asks,"what happened next?" "I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A woman asked her husband why he was coming up with so many silly dad jokes recently.
He admitted to her that, since they had kids, their sex life had grown a bit stale.
Laughing, she grabbed a peach from the kitchen counter and pulled him toward her.
Slowly, seductively, she ate it while staring into his eyes, sucking the last of the pulp from the pit.
Then, while he stared on in disbelief, she used the pit to masturbate to completion, moaning all the while as she longingly stared at him.
When she finished, she gently beckoned him with her finger. He stood over her, slack-jawed, as she leaned back on the counter.
"So, what do you think about that, Mr. Dad Jokes?" she said with a smirk.
He grinned. "That...was mother fucking hard core."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A guy walks into a bar in Mexico, and sees a sign that says "If you can make this donkey laugh we will give you $100"...
So the guy goes to the donkey and whispers something in his ear and the donkey starts laughing uncontrollably. Then the guy walks straight to the bartender and collects the $100.
A week later the guy goes back to the bar and now the sign says "If you can make this donkey stop laughing we will give you $100." The bartender told the guy that the donkey hasn't stopped laughing since the last time he was in the bar.
So the guy walks back to the donkey and in moments the donkey stops laughing!
The guys goes back to the bartender and collects another $100. The bartender was in complete disbelief and asked the guy "how did you do it?"
The guy replied, "Well the first time I told him my dick was bigger than his."
"And this time?"
"I showed him."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
I took a girl back to my apartment and she said, “You don’t have too much experience in taking off bras, do you?”
Me: What gave me away?
Her: The scissors, mostly.
#other
@Sickipedia
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried.I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.I'll never forget the pain of my first kid knee stones.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A couple was invited to a masked Halloween ball. On the night of the party the wife had a headache.
Longnsfw
She told her husband to go on alone. Reluctantly he agreed. He put on his bear costume and left. She took a nap and woke up feeling great.
Realizing her husband didn’t know her costume, she decided to go and see what he was up to.
She got there and saw the bear flirting with every woman in sight. Still masked, she approached him; after a few drinks he propositioned her.
They went into a bedroom and had sex for an hour, even in positions she’d never done before. When they were done, he left without saying a word. She went home.
When her husband got home, she asked about his night.
“Same old, same old,” he said. “When I got there, a bunch of the guys were in back playing poker. So I played cards all night.”
She said, “You must have looked silly playing cards in a bear costume.”
“I gave the costume to Dad. He said he had the time of his life.”
#other
@Sickipedia
One day Grandpa was watching Junior playing with an earthworm..
Grandpa said, " Junior, I will give you $10 if you can put that worm back down in its little hole."
The kids thinks and thinks, then runs into the house and returns with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm all over and as it gets stiff he stuffs it down into the hole. Grandpa gives the boy $10.
The next day Grandpa comes out to where Junior is playing and gives the boy $20. The boy looked up in confusion and asked, "What's this for?"
Grandpa smiles and says, "That's from Grandma!"
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
I've read the bible and it turns out, I only believe in 12.5% of it.
Guess that makes me an Eighth Theist.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My wife kept blaming me for our lack of children in our sexless marriage. I finally told her to put a sock in it.
nsfw
Should've specified which sock.
Anyway, she's due in January.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
The Maid asked the master's wife for a pay raise.
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.” “The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me ?”
Maria: “Jor hozban did.”
Wife, increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you
Wife: (Really boiling now and gritting her teeth):
“And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Señora….the gardener did.
Wife: “So, how much do you think would be fair ??”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Gertrude was a very devout woman who had 17 children
One day her husband passed away and Gertrude remarried the next month and had 19 children with her second husband.
After several years her second husband died and she passed away herself some months afterwards.
During the funeral the priest finished the service with the words “they are finally together”.
One of the attendees went to the priest after the service and asked him “when you said “they are finally together” were you referring to Gertrude and her first husband or her second husband”?
The priest replied: “neither, I was talking about her legs!!”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Today i fucked up by making an incest joke around my gf
She got so mad she told our mom about it.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know y.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Thank God Tarantino didn't make Oppenheimer
He would have used a real atomic bomb.
#other
@Sickipedia
How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.
#other
@Sickipedia
My mother said she was disappointed when I came out.
I said, "I'm not gay, mum."
"I was referring to your birth," she replied.
#roast
@Sickipedia
I saw a bumper sticker today that said, "Beware of the idiot that's behind me."
I decided to follow him until I could figure out who the idiot was!
#other
@Sickipedia
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The horse, unable to comprehend the human language, shits on the floor and leaves.
#antihoke
@Sickipedia
What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
Eventually a Rottweiler will let go
#other
@Sickipedia
A married woman was making out with her lover.
She heard her husband knocking on the door, and started to freak out. She said “God, I would do whatever it takes to get away with this one.” All of a sudden, a genie showed up and offered her help but said that he’ll only do it on the condition of drowning her in 2 years. She accepted the offer and her lover disappeared within seconds.
Two years later, a bunch of her female friends invited her to go on a cruise that had over 600 women on board. She had forgotten about the deal with the genie and accepted the invitation. The genie showed up and asked if she remembered him. She said no and he reminded her of their deal and told her he was about to drown the ship. “I made a mistake, why should the other innocent women be punished for it,” she protested. “I have been gathering you whores for the last 2 years.” He answered.
#other
@Sickipedia
No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
“I play a little guitar!"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A Möbius strip walks into a bar, sobbing.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong, buddy?” The Möbius strip replies, “Where do I even begin?”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A gorilla walks into a bar in Manhattan.
The bartender gives the gorilla a craft beer menu (without the fucking QR codes). The gorilla points at a particular summer ale, with hints of lemon. The bartender nods, and tells him what a great choice that is.
A few minutes later, the bartender serves the gorilla this tasty craft brew, and says, "That will be $16".
The gorilla, not being a small tipper, hands over a $20, and indicates to the bartender by hand signals to keep the change.
The bartender acknowledges the tip, and says, "You know - we don't have many gorillas ordering drinks here."
Finally, the gorilla speaks up and says, "That's not a big surprise, with these fricking prices."
#other
@Sickipedia
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Sid revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Nathan,, the King's chief adviser. Nathan thought about this and said that he could arrange for Sid to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Sid readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Nathan got a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Nathan informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and Nathan advised that only the saliva of Sid would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Sid to their chambers. Nathan then slipped Sid the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Sid worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Sid left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Sid found Nathan demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Sid couldn't have cared less knowing that Nathan could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Nathan slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Sid.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
The word of the day is "RECTUM".
My friend had two cars and rectum both.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
An old man was relaxing at a nude beach with his hat over his crotch…
A young lady passing by whistled at him and said, “If you were a gentleman, you’d lift that hat!”
Old man: If you were pretty, it would lift itself!
#roast
@Sickipedia
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: .
.
.
.
.
.
.
“You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
#roast
@Sickipedia
My wife explained, "You need to do more chores around the house." I moaned, "Can we change the subject?" She smiled and said...
"Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What happened to the Twitter employee, that told Elon Musk not to rename the company?
He became an X employee!
#wordplay
@Sickipedia