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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A man enters a pharmacy and orders a box of Viagra.
The pharmacist asks for about 10€ and gives him the meds. He opens the box, takes one, and pulls out a 500€ note to pay. The pharmacist doesn't have enough change to give him, so he offers to go to the bakery next door to get some bread and try to get the money changed and swiftly comeback.
In the bakery, he asks for a pastry, eats it and attempts to pay a few euros with the 500€ bill. The baker also doesn't have enough change to cover the bill, so the man kindly offers, yet again, to go to butcher's across to buy some meat and comeback.
In the butchery, he buys a couple steaks, gets a bag to take them home and, once again, pays with the 500€ bill. Once again, there isn't enough cash to make change. This time the man says he's going to exchange it at the pharmacy, only to not return to any of the shops.
Later that night at the local bar, the pharmacist, the baker and the butcher all meet for beers and end up sharing their stories. Seeing how they intertwined, the butcher comments:
"God damn, Viagra really must work!"
The pharmacist and the baker don't understand.
The butcher explains:
"That bastard only took one, and it was enough to fuck us three!"
#other
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My friend said that sex is better than drugs because with sex there isn't a comedown.
"Yes there is," I replied. "We call them 'children'."
#sexandshit
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Three engineers were riding in a car, went down a hill, and crashed.
The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the brakes. Let me check 'em out." The electrical engineer said, "I think it was something in the electrical system. Let me check it out." The software engineer said, "Let's push it back up the hill and run it again."
#other
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Husband and wife.
Her: Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?
Him: "No" said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:
"Go look in the garage."
#other
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The CIA was recruiting new agents.
As a test of commitment they brought a man to a door and gave him a gun. He was told his wife was in the next room and his first test was to go in and shoot his wife. The man was shocked and said he would never shoot his wife for anyone.He was sent home.
A second man was brought to the same room and told the same thing as the first. He was very sad because he always wanted to be a CIA agent but there was no way he could shoot his wife.He too was sent home.
The third person brought to the room was a housewife. She was told that her husband was in the next room. She was given the gun and told to go in and shoot her husband.
She took the gun and went in. Very quickly there was a lot of commotion in the room, a man began screaming and very quickly the housewife came out of the room covered in blood.
"What happened" they asked her.
"There were no bullets in the gun so I had to beat him to death with a chair" she said
#oldbutgold
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My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. "Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Guess how old I'm going to be next month. "I don't know," I said as I slipped on my glasses. "How old?" She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.
#wordplay
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Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest.
For I have synonymed.
#wordplay
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What's worse that dementia?
What's worse than dementia?
#illness
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What is unhealthy, bad for your teeth, has billions of calories and isn’t good to have sex with?
Uranium
#other
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I can't take my dog to the park anymore. The ducks attack him.
That's what I get for having a pure bread dog.
#wordplay
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During the USSR regime a communist governor is visiting one of the small towns in his district
The mayor of the town is excited to show the governor how dedicated his people are to the communist party, so as they are walking through the town bazaar, he pulls one of the farmers aside
to ask him a couple of questions.
He asked "Comrade, if you had two apartments, wouldn't you be happy to donate one to the communist party?" and the guy replied "Off course comrade mayor, I would be happy contribute to the motherland". The mayor went on "And if you had two automobiles, wouldn't you be happy to donate one of them to the communist party?" and the guy said "Off course, it would be an honor".
The governor is very impressed, but the mayor decided to keep going "And comrade, if you had two cows, wouldn't you also happily donate one back to the people?". At this the farmer hesitated and with a dismayed look said "No, that I would not donate". Puzzled, the mayor asks him "But if you would donate an apartment and a car, why wouldn't you donate a cow?" The farmer looks back at him and says "Well, I actually have two cows..."
#politics
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Chuck Norris killed 50 enemy combatants with a hand grenade.
Then the grenade exploded.
#oldbutgold
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The animal brothel.
A little mouse, after a tiring week of work, decides to visit an animal brothel for some entertainment.
The fox madam, upon seeing him arrive, offers, 'If you'd like, there's Sarah the pythoness, a new arrival.'
The mouse accepts and goes to Sarah's room. As soon as she sees him enter, the pythoness mistakes him for dinner and swallows him whole.
After a while, the madam comes to inform the mouse that his time is up, and not finding him, she senses the situation.
'Sarah, spit him out immediately, he's a paying customer!' The snake spits out the mouse, who, once free, exclaims
'Oh my God! Best blowjob of my life!'
#sexandshit
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A man walks straight into a gay bar…
Then he comes out.
#wordplay
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A father and his ten year old son were in the grocery store…
…and the son was throwing a penny up and catching it. After several successful attempts, he threw it up, lost it in a light and it went into his mouth. He started choking which caused the father to start freaking out and yelling for a doctor.
A well dressed woman walked over, calmly reached down and squeezed the boy’s testicles through his clothes. He immediately spit up the penny and stopped choking. She didn’t say a word and walked away.
After making sure his son was okay, the father found the woman to thank her and said, “I’ve never heard of that before, are you a doctor or something?”
She replied, “Actually no, I’m a divorce attorney.”
#other
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Girls reading Cinderella only get to the part where it says "Cinderella married the Prince" and stop. They don't read what it says next.
It says "End of fairytale".
#other
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A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
#other
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Three engineers are arguing what type of engineer God is.
The first says, "God is a mechanical engineer. Look at how we manipulate our arms, legs, lungs, and how blood flows through our bodies. God is a mechanical engineer."
The second says, "No. God is an electrical engineer. Our nervous system, heart, brain. Everything is run by electrical impulses. God is an electrical engineer."
The third says, "Your both wrong. God is a civil engineer. Who else would route the sewage system through the recreation area?"
#sexandshit
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An engineer, a mathematician and an economist go on a work interview.
First up is the engineer. The employer asks him what is 2+2 is?
The engineer a little confused answer 4 of course.
The employer thanks him and calls in the mathematician.
Again, he asks what 2+2 is?
The mathematician states that with high certainty it’s around 4.
The employer thanks him and calls in the economist.
Again, he asks what 2+2 is?
The economist looks around, stands up and closes the curtains before he bends down and whispers: What do you want it to be?
#other
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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie. Delighted, the genie says, "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately shouts out, "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,003.50.
The second man thinks for a bit, then says, "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over $100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says, "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says, "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says, "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says, "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says, "I never want to become sick or injured. I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone, and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says, "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says, "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive, and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says, "Guys, I think I fucked up."
#oldbutgold
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What’s the difference between me and a calendar?
A calendar has dates
#wordplay
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Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance. Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.”
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 3.5 kg and 50 cm long!”
#sexandshit
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Dyslexia is just “daily sex” spelt backwards
#other
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A lottery ticket is a weird gift to give someone
it’s like “Here. This has a 99% chance of being disappointing. I saw it and thought of you”
#other
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I was on a cruise recently.
One morning, the ship was passing very close to a small island. As I was admiring the serenity of this far off place, a ruckus occurred.
On the island, a man came running out from the thickness of the brush. His hair was down to his waist and his beard almost the same. His clothes were tattered straps, barely covering his beet red skin. He was frantically waving his arms around as he jumped up and down. And he seemed to be yelling something.
The captain of the ship happened to be on a morning stroll around the deck, so I grabbed his attention and brought him to my spot on the rail.
"Captain, there, on that island. There's a man over there. What do you think he's yelling?" I asked.
"Oh, don't mind him", the captain replied. "He does this every 3 months when we pass by".
#other
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Five Jewish Women Go Out for Dinner
After their meals arrive, the waiter comes over and asks, "Ladies, is anything alright?"
#other
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A woman comes home early, and finds her husband in bed with a girl.
She is furious, threatens to kill them both... the husband says:
- Believe me, darling, this is just a misunderstanding. I was driving home, and saw this young lady trying to catch a ride. So I decided to give her a lift. I ask her where she needs to go, and she tells me she wants to visit some relatives, but isn't sure about their address. So, I took her home so she could check our phonebook.
- Once there, I saw her dress is pretty ragged, so I decided to give her your old dress. Nearly two years that it's been hanging in the closet, and you never wore it.
- Then, I saw her shoes are also about to fall apart, so I gave her your old shoes, which have been doing nothing but collecting dust for three years. Of course, she said thanks, and then asked:
"Excuse me sir, but is there anything else in this house your wife never uses?"
#oldbutgold
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A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.
The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has a myocardial infarction.
A bystander witnesses the entire event and quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei.
The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?"
"It's hard to say."
#wordplay
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A billionaire hires a painter of murals to come to his mansion…
…when he gets there, he calls the painter in into a large room and shows him a plain white wall that’s 20 feet high and 50 feet across. He says to the guy, “I’ve always been fascinated by General Custer so on this wall I want you paint your interpretation of Custer’s last stand. I’m going out of town for a few months and when I come back, I would like it to be finished.”
The painter agrees and the billionaire leaves town. He comes back after a few months and anxiously goes to look at the painting. What he sees shocks him. In the middle of it, there is a cow with a halo in his head. All around the cow are Native Americans engaged in every conceivable sex act you could think of.
Enraged, he calls the painter to the room and yells at him, “What is this pornographic filth?! I wanted art, not pornography!”
Calmly the painter asks, “You wanted my interpretation of Custer’s last stand, right?” The billionaire agrees and the painter says, “Well, there you go. I call it “Holy Cow, Look at All Those Fucking Indians.”
#wordplay
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A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise. The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, bondage and even a dog. After a while watching the adult movie, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music." "Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
#sexandshit
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