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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
On a flight, the passengers suddenly hear:
“Here is your pilot. Today is my 10.000th flight. I would like to do something special. Would you like to experience a loop? Then applaud.”
The excited passengers applaud.
The pilot says, “ok, fasten your seatbelts”, and a few moments later he does a perfectly executed loop. Everyone is laughing and applauding.
“Would you like to experience a corkscrew roll?”
More applause and the pilot does the manoeuvre to loud acclaim.
“Ok, this was it, enjoy the rest of your flight.”
At that moment, the toilet opens, and a wet and soiled man shuffles out and shouts, “Do you think that’s funny?!”
#other
@Sickipedia
I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm.
She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.
When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, because these feelings are just too traumatic for you to deal with."
I said, "Honey...we don't have a pool."
#other
@Sickipedia
Guy goes to a psychiatrist to get diagnosed.
The shrink gives the guy an inkblot card and asks, "Look at this and tell me what you see."
The guy studies it for a long moment and says, "Not 100% sure, but I think that's Card #6-A, Rorschach Series Three."
#other
@Sickipedia
Took my girlfriend to the restaurant last night.
The Waiter said: "I am sorry sir but we are so busy tonight. Would you mind waiting for a bit?"
I said: "No problem"
He said: "Well take these drinks to table 10"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
#other
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I have sex daily.
My doctor told me it’s completely common to have my letters all jumbled up.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A guy goes to the doctor with a very red penis.
He's naturally worried because he's never had anything like this before. The doctor after a short examination left the exam room, came back with a bottle and a cotton swab. He proceeded to apply the lotion to the affected area and it cleared up immediately.
The guy very much relieved and amazed asked, "what is that?"
The doctor said, "lipstick remover."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Ddi you hear Boeing has adopted a new corporate motto?
"When one door closes, another one opens."
#other
@Sickipedia
Millennials teaching other generations how to use computers:
1995: "Mom, let me show you how to type a report on the computer. It's easier than using pen and paper."
2024: "Kid, let me show you how to type a report on the computer. It's easier than using your phone."
#other
@Sickipedia
Wife: I’m pregnant
Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m dad
Wife: No, you’re not
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots.
Before the bartender even returns with the check, the man has slammed back half of them and shows no signs of slowing down. As the guy finishes his final shot, the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" The guy wipes his mouth and replies, "You’d be drinking fast, too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" As he runs out the door, the guy says, "75 cents.”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands
#wordplay
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What does the optometrist say to the programmer after he gave him his new glasses?
Now you can C#
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I recently bought a pencil owned by Shakespeare himself!
Unfortunately he chewed the end so badly I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
So I met this girl at the County Fair...
Before I even got her name, we're making out.
An hour later, we're going at it on the Ferris wheel.
She took me home to meet her momma that night.
Momma said, "You know, we named our sweet girl Nevaeh. It's 'heaven' spelled backwards."
I said, "Momma, you shoulda named her Tulsa."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
I once dated a partially deaf girl who was utterly disappointed the first time we were intimate.
“I thought you said you were circus-sized.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Me: "The baby is only 67% done with pooping." Wife: "What? How can you tell?"
Me: "Two turds."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
How many redditors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
100. One to screw it in and 99 to sit around and comment about how they could do it better.
#other
@Sickipedia
In a small town out west, an old priest became tired of listening to all the details when parishioners would confess that they had committed adultery. So he asked everyone to simply say “I’ve Fallen” during their confession. This code word was then used for many years.
Eventually the old priest retires and a new one took his place. During his first week, the new priest starts to get concerned because everyone is complaining about falling. So the priest went to see the town mayor and suggested that maybe the sidewalks needed repairs to prevent people from falling so often.
The mayor starts laughing because he realizes that the new priest doesn't know that "fallen" is a code word. The confused priest then says “I don’t know why you’re laughing because your own wife fell down three times this week”.
#wordplay
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey!”
The horse says “YES PLEASE.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
#religion
@Sickipedia
I am really sad today.
After seven years of training in the medical field and really hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and has been blacklisted from the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training, and money. A genuinely nice guy, and a truly brilliant mortician.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
I saw the priest at the gym today.
He was exorcising.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Why did the chicken cross the road?
The chicken clucked silently to himself as he wiped the rain water from his eyebrows. It has been raining for hours now, but that was good, he would be harder to follow. He breathed in and put his eye to the glass, staring down the scope, using it to peer through the window of the diner across the street. That's where the man sat, the farmer that started it all. He raised him from a chick, fed him, gave him a wife and child.... then took it all away for his own gain. But the chicken wasn't going to let it end like that, oh no. He clucked his final prayer, watched, waited for the rain to fall straight down, a sign of no wind.... and pulled the trigger. Quickly he descended the ladder, leaving the gun behind, chickens didn't have fingerprints... he sprinted across the road, ducked into a nearby alley, and fled. Never to be seen again.
#antijoke
@Sickipedia
A group of military officers are sitting around discussing how much work and fun is involved in having sex.
First the lieutenant says, "Having sex is about 80% fun and 20% work."
Then captain replies, "No, there's more work involved than that. I would say that it's 60% fun and 40% work."
The major chimes in, "No, having sex is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it's 20% fun and 80% work."
As the discussion continued on, a private suddenly walked by the room.
The officers call the private over, explain the situation and ask for his opinion.
The private quickly replies, "Gentlemen, having sex must be 100% fun."
One of the officers asks, "Well how did you come to that conclusion so easily?"
The private says, "Very simple, Sir. If there was any work involved you guys would have me doing it for you."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
My father owned a coal company, but kept it to himself
Mined his own business
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Three men are in a Russian prison cell.
The first man says, "I'm here because I criticized Igor Girkin."
The second man says, "I'm here because I spoke in favor of Igor Girkin."
The third man says, "I'm Igor Girkin."
#russians
@Sickipedia
A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife.
"We need a 4th for Golf"
"I'll be right over" says the doctor.
"Is it serious?" His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat.
"Oh yes.. there are 3 other doctors there already."
#other
@Sickipedia
Is it okay that I start drinking as soon as the kids are at school?
Or does that make me a bad teacher?
#oldbutgold
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