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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
God created childbirth to give women the chance to experience what it's like...
For a guy to catch a cold....
#ckassic
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How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why does everything have to be a group project?
#other
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What do you call a disease with many followers?
Influenza.
#wordplay
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I know a woman who has been married 3 times and is still a virgin
Her first husband was a psychologist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. Her second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. Her third husband was a gourmet and all he wanted to do was eat it.
The good news is that I just heard she is getting remarried. This time she is going to marry a lawyer that way she knows she will get fucked!
#sexandshit
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The blonde asked her gynecologist “Why do I finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina?”
The amused doctor replied, “Those aren’t postage stamps, they’re the stickers that come on bananas”
#sexandshit
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A man comes up to the drive thru window, and the attendant greets him:
Attendant: Welcome, how may I help you today?
Customer: I'd like a burger and a vanilla ice cream cone
Attendant: Sorry, the ice cream machine is broken again today, and we don't know how long it'll be down, so we don't have any ice cream today.
Customer: How about fries and ice cream?
Attendant: Sorry, we don't have any ice cream today.
Customer: Okay, how about a chocolate ice cream cone?
Attendant: Can you spell fries?
Customer: F-r-i-e-s
Attendant: Okay, now how about you spell ice cream?
Customer: I-c-e, c-r-e-a-m
Attendant: Now what do you get when you take the F out of ice cream?
Customer: There's no F in ice cream.
Attendant: That's what I've been trying to tell you, there's no F-ing ice cream, so how about something else?
Customer: Burger and fries
Attendant: Okay.
#other
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I dig, you dig, he dig, she dig, we dig, they dig.
It's not a long poem,but it's very deep.
#other
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Female masturbation is like preparing coffee.
You can grind your beans by hand, but it's easier and faster to just use a machine.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A Russian wife turned to her husband and asked...
"What's this special military operation our glorious leader keeps talking about?"
Her husband replied, "It's a proxy war between Russia and NATO."
"Oh, right. How's it going?"
"Well," he replied, "so far we've lost 200,000 soldiers, 4,000 tanks, 500 aircraft, numerous helicopters, loads of armoured vehicles and artillery pieces along with our 'flag ship'."
"Wow! What about NATO?"
"They haven't turned up yet."
#politics
@Sickipedia
A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell.
The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity, a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he will want for nothing and to feel free to walk the grounds. One day, while he is out strolling through the idyllic gardens, he comes across a tall wall. Curious, he climbs one of the many trees and peering over the wall, is shocked to see a fire-filled field with people writhing in agony and screaming hopelessly.
He is very disturbed by this sight and returns home. The next day, the Devil pays him a visit and asks how he is enjoying eternity. The atheist says he finds Hell to be a lovely place but is concerned about the things he saw on the other side of the wall. “Oh” the Devil says, “those are Christian sinners”
“But why” the man asks, “are they suffering so much while I, who didn’t believe in God at all, am here in such comfort?”
“I don’t know” the Devil replies shrugging," that’s the way they want it."
#oldbutgold
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Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks you, tell them it's 12345678
#wordplay
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I saw two guys wearing identical outfits,
and asked if they were gay.
They arrested me.
#oldbutgold
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What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts.
#sexandshit
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Pavlov walks into a bar.
He orders a pint and sits at a table sipping his beer.
Suddenly the phone rings. "Oh shit!" Pavlov exclaims, jumping up to his feet. "I forgot to feed the dogs!"
#other
@Sickipedia
- What is the unit of measurement used to measure electricity
- What?
- Correct!
#wordplay
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Just heard Tom Rawson tell this one (he's mostly a singer, but he told a couple of jokes too):
A small-town preacher was proud of his ability to improvise a sermon on any topic, even if he knew nothing about it. He never prepared, just improvised on whatever came to his mind Sunday morning.
So one Sunday morning he woke up and told his wife, "I'm going to base my sermon today on horseback riding."
"But you don't know anything about horseback riding!" she said. "I don't want to watch you embarrass yourself, I'm staying home."
"All right," he said, and drove to church. On the way there, he began to have second thoughts. He really didn't know anything about horseback riding ... finally he decided to preach a sermon on love and intimacy in marriage.
It went very well — so well that when one of his congregants saw his wife at the grocery store the next day, she said, "You missed a great sermon yesterday — your husband was on fire! That was the best sermon I've ever heard!"
His wife said, "Really? He literally knows nothing about it. In all his life he's done it just twice — once before we were married, once after — and both times, he fell right off."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.
All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.
First up was the Army general. He chose to measure between the tips of his middle fingers with his arms spread wide.
Second was the Air Force, who chose the top of his head to the soles of his feet.
Then came the Marine General. "I want you to measure from the tip of my dick to my balls."
The men running the measuring laughed and then asked him, seriously, where he wanted to measure.
"I am being serious. Now start measuring."
The men tried to dissuade him but he was adamant. Finally, resigned, one of the men takes the measuring tape and goes to take the measurement. When the general removed his pants the man jumped up in shock.
"Sir! Where are your balls?!?"
"IN VIETNAM!"
#other
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I just passed my drug test...
My dealer has some explaining to do!
#other
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What is the difference between iron man and aluminium man ?
Iron man stops the bad guys, aluminium man just foils their plans.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door..
In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”
At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.
“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”
They went to sleep and then around three o’clock in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and came back with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
“Here,” he said to the statue, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
How do you make a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone, without any dressing.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Is it pronounced “ee-ther” or “I-ther”?
Either
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, always 6 letters, but never has 5 letters.
Hint: Not a question
#other
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A farmer’s wife left him after she found him having sex with one of the ponies after she went to sleep.
It was her worst fucking night mare.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Mega-sore-ass
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
They just discovered the cause of the implosion
OceanGate was purchasing materials for the vessel and misunderstood the term "substandard".
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A Russian man walks through the streets of Moscow.
As he passes by the headquarters of a major company, he notices a poor man in decrepit clothes standing by the building, seemingly waiting for something, looking at the sky. "Another poor crazy weirdo", he thinks. He keeps on walking.
The next day, he passes near another company's HQ, and sees the same poor man, seemingly waiting for something or someone, eyes up in the air, but this time with a luxury watch and classy shoes. "Uh, strange, I thought he was homeless at first", he thinks, noticing the upgrade in clothes. but he keeps walking.
The following day, while walking near another company's HQ on his way home, he sees the homeless guy again, barely recognisable with a brand new suit and designer coat, waiting outside, looking at the sky. So our protagonist finally goes and asks him:
"Excuse my rudeness sir, but I saw you 3 days ago and you were just a homeless man. Now you are dressed in super expensive clothes I'll never be able to afford in my lifetime. How did you pull that off in 3 days?"
The homeless guy just tells him: "oh it's simple. You just wait outside those company buildings, and oligarchs will fall from the windows".
#politics
@Sickipedia
When I found out they had found a cure for dyslexia I was like.....
Music to my arse!
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A stoner rubs a bong and a genie comes out, offering three wishes.
The stoner says, "ok for my first wish, I want a six inch joint." And poof! A joint appears and the stoner and genie sit down and smoke it together.
"For my second wish, I want a 12 inch blunt!" And poof! A blunt appears and the stoner and genie sit down and smoke it together.
"Ok now for my third wish, I want an 18 inch monster roll with a THC-concentrate core!" And poof! The biggest blunt you've ever seen appears and the stoner and genie sit down and smoke it together.
Finally the genie gets up and slowly starts to stagger away. Then he stops, turns his head, and with a stoney grin says, "ok man, one more wish"
#other
@Sickipedia
A woman walks into a hardware store.
She tells the salesman "I need a hinge for my door."
The salesman asks "Would you like a screw for the hinge?"
The woman replies "No, but I'll blow you for the toaster in the corner."
#wordplay
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