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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.
So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.
The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock, starts masturbating and points at it.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
#wordplay
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What do you call a dog that floats?
A good bouy
#wordplay
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I was driving trough a neighborhood and saw a sign that said "Drive like your kids live here."
So I left.
#other
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I attended prom…
The DJ played the Cha-Cha Slide, and I did the Cha-Cha Slide.
The DJ played the Macarena, and I did the Macarena.
The DJ played Come on Eileen, and now I’m not allowed within 1,000 feet of school property.
#sexandshit
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When I was a lumberjack I cut down 21,453 trees.
I know this because I kept a log.
#wordplay
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Jane was obviously attracted to Tarzan and asking him about his life asked how he had sex..
"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.
Jane then explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
"Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for?
"Tarzan check for squirrel." he responds
#sexandshit
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Officer: The victims were sacrificed to on a shrine made of antlers.
Detective: Dear god!
Officer: Most likely yes.
#wordplay
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I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate
And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
#other
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A horse walks into a bar.
"Hey" says the bartender.
"How did you know my order?" replies the horse.
#wordplay
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A vegan is at the entrance of a university campus trying to get others to become vegan
He sees an angry and disappointed kid walking out of the campus, and takes the opportunity to ask if they want to become vegan.
“You know who else was vegan?” the angry kid responds. “Adolf Hitler. And I just got kicked out of art school right now, so I’m not taking any risks.”
#other
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My wife asked if she has any annoying habits...
... and then she got all offended during the PowerPoint presentation
#boomerhumor
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Went on a date last weekend this woman and afterwards I said "wow, you're the most average girl I've ever date".
"You are mean!" She replied.
I said, "no, you are".
#wordplay
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What gets burning hot right before it freezes?
A laptop.
#wordplay
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I can't believe people are celebrating the Fourth of July early and lighting off fireworks already.
One of my neighbor's fireworks landed in my yard and almost lit my Christmas decorations on fire.
#other
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Did you know that the invention of the shovel was...
Ground breaking?
#wordplay
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Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.
"Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Dad... I became a prostitute."
"Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"What was it ye said ye had become?", says Dad.
Girl, crying again, "A prostitute, Daddy!"
"Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!"
#oldbutgold
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Two of the wealthiest men in the world suffer from ED. They team up to make a new drug and call it...
Elongates
#wordplay
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If alive, Steve Jobs would've made a better president than Trump..
But that's really comparing Apple to oranges
#wordplay
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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of he men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
#wordplay
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I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.
She made me an appointment for Tuesday.
#other
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A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later..
The nun agreed…
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied, “He went that way.”
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq.”
The nun said, “I understand completely.”
The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don’t want to go to Iraq either...
#oldbutgold
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I just found out I’m colour blind
News came out of the purple.
#wordplay
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If women ruled the world there would be no war
Just a bunch of countries not talking to each other.
#sexism
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Marriage is really educational
When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.
#other
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So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...
The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows him to see what he's doing with all these books.
There is a frog sitting across the way that the chicken takes the books to. The librarian, confused but curious, continues to follow the chicken. The chicken approaches the frog, says "bock bock bock bock bock", places the five books into the frogs hands. The frog responds by tossing each book aside one by one, "reddit reddit reddit reddit reddit"!
#wordplay
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‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.’
The priest asks, 'Is that you, Joe?' 'Yes, Father’ ‘Who’s the gal you were with?' 'I won’t tell, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' ‘Was it Jane marlow?’ ‘I can’t say.' 'Was it Tami Jones?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Kim Dixon or Kate James?' 'My lips are sealed.
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy for a month.’
Joe walks back to his pew, and his friend Jordan whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'A month's vacation and four excellent Leads.'
#sexandshit
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A woman asks her friend, "would you say the neckline in this dress is too low?"
"Do you have hair on your chest?"
"No, why?"
"It is a bit too deep."
#sexandshit
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A Teacher wants to do a little Quiz with her Students.
Teacher:"Guess what this is, which animal has a Beak and Feathers?"
Random Student:"A Duck!"
Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Goose. Next question, which animal has Claws and Fur?"
Random Student:"A Dog!"
Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Cat."
A Boy steps infront of the Teacher:"Now i have a question for you."
Teacher:"Sure go ahead."
Boy:"Whats this?? First its Long, Hard and Dry, then you stick it into something warm and soft, after some penetration its soft, short and wet?"
The Teacher immediatly slaps the Boys face.
#oldbutgold
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A feminist told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule." The rule, as she explained it..
was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:
"Your chest is fucking epic."
#sexandshit
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A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
"My dog is so smart," says the first owner, "that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee."
"I know," replied the second dog owner, "my dog told me."
#other
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