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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A Serb, a Croat and a Bosniak are arrested in Iran for drinking alcohol.
The court sentences them to 10 whip lashes each, but everyone is allowed to make a special request beforehand.
First up is the Serb. "I request a pillow strapped on my back!" he says. After 2 lashes it rips apart and his back gets completely torn open.
Second up is the Croat. "I request two pillows strapped on my back!" he says. After 4 lashes it rips apart and his back gets completely torn open.
Third up is the Bosniak. The judge says "since you are a fellow muslim, you can make 2 requests!".
"My first request is for 100 lashes!" the Bosniak shouts. Bewildered the judge asks "And your second request?".
"Strap the Serb on my back!"
#politics
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Ever had sex while camping?
It's fucking in tents.
#wordplay
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An old Jew dies and goes to Heaven.
He was a funny guy and meeting the God he started with telling a holocaust joke.
God says "That wasn't funny. It was offensive."
The Jew replies "I guess you had to be there."
#religion
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A woman said to her husband: "I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls. What do you think it means?"
The man smiled and said: "You'll know tonight." That evening, the man came home with a small package which he gave to his wife. She embraced him, and then slowly and unwrapped the package. It contained a book entitled, The Meaning of Dreams.
#other
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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key.
The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by last night's events, he goes downstairs to settle the bill. "How was your room sir?" asks the receptionist. "Excellent, I will come back again. What do I owe you?" asks the man.
"Well. actually, sir, we are doing a promotional offer. Not only do you not have to pay but we give you $10 as a welcome gesture," says the receptionist. "What?" says the guy, very surprised indeed. "That's amazing." He takes the ten-dollar bill and wanders off, debating whether his buddies will believe him or not. Needless to say, after a few days he's told all his friends and neighbors about room 13 and the amazing night of passion. The next week one of his buddies goes to check out the room. "Room 13 please." "Certainly, sir, here's your key." After he gets in bed, at the same time, 2 o'clock, two girls this time, extremely horny, get in bed and screw his brains out. The next morning, not only does he not have to pay, but he too gets $10. After a month, everyone knows this hotel and especially room 13. Everyone that stays in room 13 gets the same treatment: a good screw and a ten bucks.
After a few weeks, the story reaches the President. The President decides to check the story out for himself. He visits the hotel and asks for room 13. He gets the keys and goes upstairs. After a couple of drinks he gets in bed waiting patiently for the naked girls to appear. Indeed at about 2 0'clock in the morning two naked ladies come to bed. They are as horny and wild as all the stories the President has heard. The President gets his pecker out and screws the both of them all night long. This is the night of his life. Next morning he goes to reception and when he asks how much the bill is, the receptionist says, "Nothing to pay, sir. Actually, we are doing an introductory offer. Here's $50 as a welcome gesture." Curious, the President asks the receptionist, "Well, that's strange. Everyone else who comes here gets $10. Why do I get $50?" "Well, sir," says the receptionist. "This is the first time we've filmed a porn movie with a President in it!"
#sexandshit
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How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?
They know what grams are.
#other
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There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in Newfound Land?”
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
“Wait, ladies,” called the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”
#sexandshit
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What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that's blackout drunk?
An Uber
#wordplay
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Interviewer: Would you mind explaining this 4-year gap on your resume?
Me: I went to Yale during this time period.
Interviewer: Wow, excellent! You’re hired!
Me: Thank you! I really needed this yob!
#oldbutgold
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Why did the Grim Reaper schedule an appointment with his eye doctor?
He was having issues with his death perception.
#wordplay
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My father believed that men learn by just doing things and figuring it out so when I was 3 my dad threw me into the ocean.
To teach himself CPR.
#other
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A photon is heading to catch a plane, and the agent asks if it has any checked baggage.
"No I dont," it says. "I'm traveling light."
#wordplay
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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”
Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”
Last guy chuckles, “I have you all beat. I fucked over all the readers who were expecting a punchline to this joke.”
#classic
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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.
So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.
The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock, starts masturbating and points at it.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
#wordplay
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What do you call a dog that floats?
A good bouy
#wordplay
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A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady: "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed: "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Oh Well now That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
#other
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I was offered sex with a 21 yr old today.
In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
#oldbutgold
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What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I don't know if I can get hard, I just got laid this morning.
#wordplay
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When my girlfriend got pregnant everything changed
My address, my phone number..
#other
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Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop where a grizzled old-timer is having breakfast.
One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor.
Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves.
“Not much of a man, was he?” says one of the bikers.
“Not much of a driver, either,” says the waitress. “He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”
#other
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What does sushi have in common with anal?
You either love it, hate it, or you're scared to try it. And if you hate it, people keep trying to convince you that yours just wasn't prepared properly.
#sexandshit
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Nothing is built in America these days. I just bought a TV and it said “Built In Antenna”
I don’t even know where that is!
#wordplay
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The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
#oldbutgold
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A woman Walks Into A Butchery Just Before Closing and Asks, "Do You Still Have Chicken?"
The Butcher Opens His Deep Freezer, Takes Out The Only Chicken Left and Puts It On The Scale, And It Weighed 1.5 kg.
The Woman Looks At The Chicken and At The Scale And Asked, "Do You Have One That's a Bit Bigger Than This One?"
The Butcher Puts His Only Chicken Back Into The Freezer, and Then Takes It Out Again, But This Time When He Puts It On The Scale; He Craftily Keeps His Thumb on The Scale Pan And The Scale Now Showed 2 kg
"That's Wonderful," Said The Woman. "I'll Take both Chickens, please!"
#other
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Why doesn't Batman carry a police badge?
Batman doesn't kill people.
Why does Batman's mask only cover half his face?
So the police can see that he's a white guy.
#classic
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A lone cowboy nobody knew walks into a mining town bar..
He orders two drinks which he downs slowly. When he was done with his drinks, he paid the bartender and walks out to see that his horse with all his stuff is missing.
He turns around, walks back in the bar, pulls his guns from his holster and shoots them in the air.
"Which ever one of you cow dung stole my horse better have it back by the time I finish my next drink, other wise I am going to have to do what I did in Texas. And trust me, I don't want to ever do that again".
He walks back to the bar, gets another drink, and slowly drinks it. The people in the bar started murmuring, talking amongst themselves and looking at the stranger with fear in their eyes.
The stranger finishes his drink, walks out and his horse was there where he left it. He got up on it, when the bartender and the bar patrons ran out after him.
The bartender said "Mister, we are sorry for what happened. But please tell us what happened in Texas after somebody stole your horse?"
The stranger looked at him and said, "I had to walk home".
#oldbitgold
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My friend said she couldn't afford to pay her huge water bill
So I sent her a "get well soon" card.
#wordplay
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I was fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
#wordplay
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Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.
"Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Dad... I became a prostitute."
"Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"What was it ye said ye had become?", says Dad.
Girl, crying again, "A prostitute, Daddy!"
"Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!"
#oldbutgold
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Two of the wealthiest men in the world suffer from ED. They team up to make a new drug and call it...
Elongates
#wordplay
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