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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Mrs O'Malley, who lived in a seaside town, was continually annoyed by the seagulls that would roost on her roof and leave their smelly droppings on her rose bushes.
One day, seeing a flock of them through her front window, she charged out of her front door waving her broom wildly and yelling, "FUCK OFF, YA BASTARDS!" Unfortunately, Father Flanagan happened to be walking past at the time.
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Father," she said. "I didn't see you there."
"Ah, Mrs O'Malley," said the priest, "you needn't be so cross with God's poor creatures. They are only doing what comes naturally to them. Just speak to them gently, like this: 'Shoo! Shoo!' and the bastards will fuck off just the same."
#other
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Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are you going to travel with only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train, and the accountants take their seats, while the three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around to collect tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.
The accountants are impressed by this clever trick. On the way back from the conference, they decide to try the same tactic and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one of the accountants.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The three accountants cram into one restroom, and the three engineers cram into another restroom nearby.
Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom, walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding, knocks on the door, and says, "Ticket, please."
#oldbutgold
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I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive.
My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.
#wordplay
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My girlfriend broke up with me because of my constant zodiac jokes
I'm so sad that something so simple Taurus apart
#wordplay
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3500 years ago, the Greeks discovered that you couldn't get pregnant through anal sex.
700 years later, the Romans discovered that it also worked with women.
#sexandshit
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What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe?
Kilometery Cyrus
#wordplay
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A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.
The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”
Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.”
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”
#other
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Many years ago, Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin agreed to take care of each other’s gardens while the other band was touring.
This means Roger Waters Robert’s Plants.
#wordplay
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A lawyer calls up a plumber to come out to his house...
The plumber takes a look and says, OK, I can fix it today, and it will be $800.
The lawyer raises an eyebrow and asks, how long will it take? The plumber responds, "well, I need about an hour round trip to the supply house for a part, and then it should take me about an hour for the repair"
The lawyer smirks and says, "two hours? For $800? Thats $400 per hour! I'm a lawyer and my hourly rate is $350 / hour!"
The plumber nods and says, "yes, sir, I understand. Why is it you think I gave up my law practice?"
#other
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Two economists are walking in a forest when they Come across a pile of shit.
Two economists are walking in a forest when they Come across a pile of shit.
The first economist says to the other "Ill pay you $100 to eat that pile of shit." The second economist takes the $100 and eats the pile of shit.
They continue walking until they come across a second pile of shit. The second economist turns to the first and says "l pay you $100 to eat that pile of shit." The first economist takes the $100 and eats a pile of shit.
Walking a little more, the first economist looks at the second and says, "You know, I gave you $100 to eat shit, then you gave me back the same $100 to eat shit. can't help but feel like we both just ate shit for nothing." "That's not true", responded the second economist. "We increased the GDP by $200!"
#other
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I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners
but when I did it she just screamed and flew out of the plane
#other
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An explorer was hacking a path deep into an almost impenetrable rainforest.
After a few weeks, he stumbled across a large clearing in the trees.
Right in the middle of the clearing was a huge bull elephant, laying down on its side, motionless. As the explorer cautiously approached the elephant, he could see that it wasn’t breathing.
On closer inspection, the explorer noticed a small trickle of blood running down the elephant’s neck. He eyed the trickle of blood back up to its source, where a tiny Pygmy tribesman sat, naked, with a wide grin on his face.
“Bloody hell”, said the explorer. “What happened here?”
“It’s dead”, replied the Pygmy, from on top of the giant elephant. “I killed it.”
The explorer was astounded. “But this elephant is huge… it must weigh at least four tons… and you’re 3ft tall. How on earth did you manage to kill it?”
“Easy”, said the Pygmy. “I did it with my club.”
“Your club?”, replied the explorer. “It must have been a pretty big club.”
“It is”, said the Pygmy.
“There’s 300 of us in it.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
An explorer was hacking a path deep into an almost impenetrable rainforest.
After a few weeks, he stumbled across a large clearing in the trees.
Right in the middle of the clearing was a huge bull elephant, laying down on its side, motionless. As the explorer cautiously approached the elephant, he could see that it wasn’t breathing.
On closer inspection, the explorer noticed a small trickle of blood running down the elephant’s neck. He eyed the trickle of blood back up to its source, where a tiny Pygmy tribesman sat, naked, with a wide grin on his face.
“Bloody hell”, said the explorer. “What happened here?”
“It’s dead”, replied the Pygmy, from on top of the giant elephant. “I killed it.”
The explorer was astounded. “But this elephant is huge… it must weigh at least four tons… and you’re 3ft tall. How on earth did you manage to kill it?”
“Easy”, said the Pygmy. “I did it with my club.”
“Your club?”, replied the explorer. “It must have been a pretty big club.”
“It is”, said the Pygmy.
“There’s 300 of us in it.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners
but when I did it she just screamed and flew out of the plane
#other
@Sickipedia
An explorer was hacking a path deep into an almost impenetrable rainforest.
After a few weeks, he stumbled across a large clearing in the trees.
Right in the middle of the clearing was a huge bull elephant, laying down on its side, motionless. As the explorer cautiously approached the elephant, he could see that it wasn’t breathing.
On closer inspection, the explorer noticed a small trickle of blood running down the elephant’s neck. He eyed the trickle of blood back up to its source, where a tiny Pygmy tribesman sat, naked, with a wide grin on his face.
“Bloody hell”, said the explorer. “What happened here?”
“It’s dead”, replied the Pygmy, from on top of the giant elephant. “I killed it.”
The explorer was astounded. “But this elephant is huge… it must weigh at least four tons… and you’re 3ft tall. How on earth did you manage to kill it?”
“Easy”, said the Pygmy. “I did it with my club.”
“Your club?”, replied the explorer. “It must have been a pretty big club.”
“It is”, said the Pygmy.
“There’s 300 of us in it.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A Pakistani politician is visiting Spain, where he meets an old friend who's a minister in Spain.
Visiting the minister's house, the Pakistani sees that his friend lives in luxury and asks him the secret.
The Minister takes him to the window and shows him a bridge. "You see that bridge over there? It cost 20 million, but I fudged the bills to 30 million."
Impressed, the Pakistani leaves. Years later, the minister visits Pakistan with a delegation and decides to visit his friend.
The Spaniard is surprised at the opulent lifestyle of his Pakistani friend and asks him his secret.
"Well, I got the idea from you," the Pakistani says, "See that bridge over there?"
"There is no bridge!"
"Exactly"
#politics
@Sickipedia
A little man sits sadly in the bar with a beer in front of him.
A large, bad guy walks along, smacks him on the shoulder and drinks his beer happily.
The little man begins to cry with desperation, sobbing.
The big one: "Don't be like that, ya plump wimp! Crying for a beer!"
The little one: "Well then, listen up. This morning my wife left me, our account was cleared, and the house was empty! After that I lost my job! I didn't want to live anymore, so I put myself on the railway track... no train came! Then I wanted to hang myself... the rope ripped! Wanted to shoot myself... Revolver jams! And now I bought myself a beer with my last money, poured all my rat poison into it and you just drank it away!”
#oldbutgold
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What do you call a ghosts breasts?
Paranormal Entitties
#wordplay
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Doctor: "You're terminal. You haven't more than six months left to live."
"I want a second opinion." "You're also ugly."
#other
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Is finding out your spouse sucked hundreds of dicks before getting married really such a big deal?
Or is my wife overreacting?
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A man's wife dies young.
The funeral is heartbreaking. The poll bearers pick up the casket and are moving through the hallway of the funeral home when the casket hits a corner and opens, the body falling out. Miraculously the woman stands up, alive and well!
40 years later, the wife dies again. The funeral is heartbreaking, again. The poll bearers pick up the casket and are moving through the hallway of the same funeral home when they get up to the same corner. The husband yells out "watch out for that corner"
#other
@Sickipedia
Everyone knows smoking causes cancer
But have you heard it can also cure salmon?
#wordplay
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A priest and a businessman were playing golf.
The businessman tried to putt the ball, but the ball rolled past the hole.
"Fucking hell, God!" swore the businessman. "Do not take the name of the Lord in anger, my son," the priest cautioned. At the same time, clouds started to form in the sky, which they didn't notice.
Three times again the businessman tried to sink the shot, but missed each time, and swore each time with the priest advising him not to swear. Unbeknownst to them, the skies turned from grey to black with tiny droplets of rain, and finally lightning and low rumbles of thunder.
As the businessman attempted a fourth time and missed, he swore again with two middle fingers, and before the priest could complete his usual sentence, a bolt of lightning came down and struck the priest, frying him.
As the businessman stared in shock at the smoldering heap that was moments ago the priest, he heard an angry swear coming from the clouds: "FUCK ME! I MISSED!"
#oldbutgold
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A man is in his boat out on the lake with a bucket full of fish that he had just caught. A wildlife officer spots him and pulls his boat up alongside. Seeing the bucket of fish in the man's boat, the wildlife officer asks to see his fishing license.
The man tells the officer that he doesn't need a fishing license.
The wildlife officer looks down at the bucket and says "you definitely need a license to be catching fish, I can see that you've been fishing today. You have live fish right there."
The man says "oh no, those are my pet fish. I just brought them out here for the day to enjoy the lake."
"Pet fish?" Replied the wildlife officer
"Oh absolutely, I let him out of the bucket and they swim around and play, but when I whistle they all jump right back in. They are very well trained."
The wildlife officers scratches his chin, then says. "I've never heard such a. Well I've got to see this."
The man dumps the bucket of fish into the lake, then calmly turns and looks at the wildlife officer.
The wildlife officer says. "Well, call them back. "
The man says "call who back."
The wild life officer says "your pet fish."
"What fish?" Replied the man.
#oldbutgold
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I still remember my grandfathers final words
looking up the more and more I look, the more it looks like a pian-
#stupid
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Age is not an excuse. I just caught an 80-year-old man doing exercise down a hill.
He was very acrobatic too, doing flips in his wheelchair.
#other
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ℹ️ Sorry for double-posting. The issues will be resolved soon
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Arnold Schwarzenegger used to say "I'll be back." Then he got old...
Now he just says, "Ow! My back!"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Age is not an excuse. I just caught an 80-year-old man doing exercise down a hill.
He was very acrobatic too, doing flips in his wheelchair.
#other
@Sickipedia
Arnold Schwarzenegger used to say "I'll be back." Then he got old...
Now he just says, "Ow! My back!"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia