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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
My wife thinks our friend is lying when he claimed that he scaled Mount Everest, but I disagree.
I think..he made it up.
#wordplay
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I told my girlfriend that I had a crush on Beyonce!
“Whatever floats your boat”
I replied “No that’s Buoyancy”
#wordplay
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Why was the keyboard exhausted after work?
Because it had two shifts.
#wordplay
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An expecting couple went to the doctor to get an ultrasound done
The doctor told them that their child looked good, but that there was some anomaly or complication, so he asked them to come back next week.
The next week, the doctor did another ultrasound, and informed the couple that they were actually going to have twins. He also noted there was again some anomaly or complication, and asked them to come back the next week.
Another week later, the couple comes in for a third time, and the doctor performs another ultrasound. This time the doctor informs them that they're not having twins, but triplets.
At this point the husband tells the doctor, "We're not coming in next week."
#other
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My sex life is so bad.
My hand says it has a headache.
#sexandshit
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A new teacher is assigned to teach geography class in school.
When she enters the classroom, she's horrified by what she sees. The kids are fighting, cursing, throwing chairs, drinking, and smoking.
"Hello class" she says.
"Fuck off, bitch!" the kids shout back.
Crying, the new teacher runs to the principal's office.
The principal says, "Yes, these kids are from the rough part of town, but you have to pique their interest. Come, I'll show you."
So both the new teacher and the principal go to the classroom. The principal kicks open the door, bangs his fist on the blackboard and roars:
"YO MOTHAFUCKAS"
"Sup, boss" the kids yell back
"Which one of you sonsofbitches knows how to put a condom on a globe?"
One of the kids, Little Johnny, says,
"The fuck is a globe?"
"And that, Johnny-boy is what your new teacher is going to talk to you about today"
#oldbutgold
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Why did the kid cross the road?
He wasn't wearing a seat belt.
#other
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The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good grief!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
#other
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October is Dwarfism awareness month.
This surprised me, because I'd have thought it would have been February...
#other
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What are the 3 best things you can say during sex and a soccer match?
"Has to be the quickest finish ever."
"He pulled it out at the last moment! What a save!"
"I think the grass is a little bit too long."
#sexandshit
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Q. What's the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?
A. One of them is an elephant.
#wordplay
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Why do 50% of married men not fall asleep after sex?
Because they still need to drive home
#sexandshit
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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with that one!). Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."
#other
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My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot...
but honestly... I'm not a fan.
#wordplay
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I went on a job interview, Interviewer asks, Do you have any experience?
Me: Yes, of course, "This is my 20th interview"
#other
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What do you call intense French sex?
Balzac in Debussy
#wordplay
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A man walks into a bar and says "All lawyers are assholes!"
Another guy in the bar says "hey watch what you say". First guy says "why are you a lawyer". Guy says "no I'm an asshole"
#oldbutgold
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A baby camel asks his father, “Dad, why do we have a hump on our back?”
The dad replies, "So that we can store water in those."
He then asks, "Why do we have hooves then?"
The dad replies, "To prevent our feet from sinking in the sand."
After thinking this over, he then asks, "Then why do we have big eyelids?”
The dad replies, "To prevent the sand from entering our eyes."
The baby camel finally asks, "Dad, what the hell are we doing in a zoo?"
#other
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This morning, my wife successfully finished a 40-week bodybuilding program...
The result:
It's a baby girl and weighs 7lbs 14 oz.
I am a Dad!
#wordplay
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So old Jed is screwing his goat when a neighbor witnesses this unspeakable act of bestiality.
The neighbor calls the cops, and Jed is arrested. Jed goes to a lawyer, explains the case, and the lawyer says, "I can defend you for $5,000."
"What's the point?" says Jed. "My neighbor witnessed the whole thing. Why should I waste $5,000? They're gonna find me guilty for sure."
"Don't you worry none," says the lawyer. "The key to any trial is the jury, and believe me, I know how to pick a jury." So Jed reluctantly agrees.
The day of the trial, the neighbor gets up on the witness stand. The prosecutor says, "Tell the jury what you saw." So the neighbor says, "I was walkin' along my property when I seen old Jed over there approach one of his goats, drop his drawers, and mount that poor animal from behind. After about two minutes old Jed appeared to be finished."
"What happened then?" asks the prosecutor.
"Well," says the neighbor, "Then that goat turned around and licked Jed's pecker."
A gasp went up in the courtroom, and old Jed had all but given up hope when a juror in overalls leans over toward the fellow next to him and whispers, "You know, a good goat will do that."
#sexandshit
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An American after staying in London for a month asked a local " Why do British eat like German planes are still flying overhead" ?
The briton replied " why do Americans eat like they have free healthcare" ?
#roast
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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
#other
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I am a man of my word.
That word is “unreliable.”
#wordplay
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A priest goes on a safari in Africa. He gets separated from the group and has the bad luck of finding himself alone, facing a hungry lion. Priest: "Dear Lord, I haven't asked for much in life, but if it is of Thy all-knowing will, please concede me the grace that this lion be imbued with Christian moral and values!"
A sound of trumpets echoes in the sky and a heavenly beam of light shines upon the lion, who now is able to speak. The lion: "Oh Lord, we give Thee thanks for this meal that we are about to receive!"
#oldbutgold
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It was a long day at the gates of heaven, and St Peter was ready to go home
Long
The final man in line walked up. He was a little man, wearing a tuxedo which looked like it had been scorched, and he was holding a golden baton. The man's appearance was otherwise unremarkable, but for the gigantic, shit eating smile on his face.
"What happened to you, sir?"
"I got hit by lightning in the middle of the 5th Symphony."
"Well that's shocking. I have to ask... why are you smiling?"
"I can finally say ‘screw you, Luther!’”
"Who's Luther?"
"He's the first chair violinist, and he hated me."
"So why does this effect Luther?"
"He always said I was a bad conductor"
#wordplay
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The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks “Why in the world are you dressed like this?“
The Cowboy says, “Well it’s like this Sheriff… I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt . so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants…so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts… so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy..' and here I am.”
#sexandshit
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I was having a quiet drink in a local bar and this guy squared up to me and said ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’
I replied: ‘Is that a fret?
#wordplay
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My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body...
207... 206 207... 206 207... 206
#sexandshit
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What the hot bride said to her stockbroker husband the day after they were married?
Past performance is not indicative of future returns
#sexandshit
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