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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Pavlov walks into a bar.
He orders a pint and sits at a table sipping his beer.
Suddenly the phone rings. "Oh shit!" Pavlov exclaims, jumping up to his feet. "I forgot to feed the dogs!"
#other
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- What is the unit of measurement used to measure electricity
- What?
- Correct!
#wordplay
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I'm appalled and really can't believe all the tasteless jokes about the Titanic submarine.
Seriously, how can people sink so low?
#wordplay
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They say people who drive big cars have a small penis and people who wear small shoes have a small penis
So it's no wonder why everyone is so afraid of clowns.
#sexandshit
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When Tom Hanks writes his memoir it should be called...
'T. Hanks - For the Memories'
#wordplay
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Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. When she returned, her Father cursed her heavily.
"Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Dad... I became a prostitute."
"Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"What was it ye said ye had become?", says Dad.
Girl, crying again, "A prostitute, Daddy!"
"Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!"
#oldbutgold
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A redneck's father passed away in his sleep. So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body. The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"
#other
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Child-proof secret code for sex: "turn on the washing machine tonight, I want to wash my clothes"
There was a couple who lived with their 4 year old son. Since they didn't want to talk about sex in front of the child, they decided to talk in code language. So the code was "turn on the washing machine tonight, I want to wash my clothes"
That evening the husband requested his son to ask his mom to "turn on the washing machine tonight, I want to wash my clothes"
Child goes running to his mom and delivers the message. Wife who is not in a mood to have sex declines and tells her son to tell his dad that there is no power/electricity, so you can't wash clothes.
That night the wife feels sorry that she declined, and tells their kid "turn on the washing machine tonight, I want to wash my clothes" and to get ready.
The husband then responds through the kid saying.. “thanks but I hand-washed all my clothes already.
#sexandshit
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My wife asked me what "mansplaining" means
...now what am I supposed to do?
#sexism
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A man goes to the fish market and walks up to a stall. There is a young boy selling fish. The boy is shouting "BUY MY DAMN FISH!". The man says you can't say that! The boy responds. "What do you mean? I caught them at the dam. These are dam fish."
The man says okay and buys some and brings them home. He says to his wife "cook these damn fish!" His wife responds with a shocked face and says you can't say that! He says "the boy told me he caught them at the dam. These are dam fish."
So the wife cooks up the fish and they're having dinner and the husband says "pass the damn fish!" To which his daughter responds "that's the spirit dad! Pass the fucking french fries!"
#wordplay
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What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.
#sexandshit
#wordplay
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I haven't sold a single copy of my autobiography.
That's the story of my life.
#wordplay
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A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.
"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"
"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."
#sexandshit
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A genie granted me 2 out of my 3 wishes, and my third wish was for him to forget he ever met me
He replied with “I am a genie, and I shall grant you 3 wishes”
#other
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What do baking and BDSM have in common?
They both involve lots of beating and whipping
#wordplay
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A stoner rubs a bong and a genie comes out, offering three wishes.
The stoner says, "ok for my first wish, I want a six inch joint." And poof! A joint appears and the stoner and genie sit down and smoke it together.
"For my second wish, I want a 12 inch blunt!" And poof! A blunt appears and the stoner and genie sit down and smoke it together.
"Ok now for my third wish, I want an 18 inch monster roll with a THC-concentrate core!" And poof! The biggest blunt you've ever seen appears and the stoner and genie sit down and smoke it together.
Finally the genie gets up and slowly starts to stagger away. Then he stops, turns his head, and with a stoney grin says, "ok man, one more wish"
#other
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A woman walks into a hardware store.
She tells the salesman "I need a hinge for my door."
The salesman asks "Would you like a screw for the hinge?"
The woman replies "No, but I'll blow you for the toaster in the corner."
#wordplay
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A man walks into a brothel one day and says to the woman: “I’m here to enjoy an evening with a young woman. Is this a fine establishment?”
The woman replies “oh absolutely! This is the finest establishment that you’ll find within a 300 mile radius!”
The man states “great! I have a 12 inch dick and I’m looking for someone to be able to handle that. Who do you suggest?”
“Oh the lady that you want will be up stairs and the first door on your left. I promise she’s everything you’re looking for.”
The man heads up stairs and into the room, and sees the beautiful young woman laying on the bed, and he pulls out his dick, ready for action. The lady jumps up and screams, running out of the room and down the stairs, yelling “Oh no! You can’t make me! That’s too much for me!”
The man, confused, walks back down the stairs and to the woman at the counter. “I thought you said she was the perfect one?”
The woman replies “I apologize. We have a lot of men that come through here and state that they have a 12 inch dick and it’s never true. Forgive me, the woman you’ll want is the third door on your left up the stairs”
The man smiles and heads back up the stairs, ready to go. He enters the room to a gorgeous woman and drops his pants, in which the lady jumps up, screams and runs down the stairs yelling “oh no! That’s too much! Not even to pay off my student loans, no way!”
The man, angry, stomps back down the stairs and starts in on the woman at the counter. “Now listen here! You said this was the finest establishment around. So far I’ve had no luck or able to see it!”
The woman smiles and apologies “Sorry. I’m going to upgrade you to VIP. Follow me, I have the best for last.”
The man, liking the idea of what he’s heard, follows the woman upstairs and to the last room in the very back. When entering, he sees this absolute divine, one of a kind woman and he drops his pants and jumps on the bed. He starts to pound into her over and over and over again, showing her no mercy and she’s taking it! Every single inch! The man starts to cum and sees that the lady is foaming at the mouth. The man jumps off of her and runs down the hallway, down the stairs, and out the door while screaming in fear.
The woman at the counter sighs heavily and turns to yell in the back:
”Tim… looks like the dead ones full again!”
#sexandshit
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Submarine ride to visit the wreck of the Titanic, $250,000.
Permanently join the wreck of the Titanic, priceless!
#other
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How does Lady Gaga like her steak?
Raw raw raw raw raw
#wordplay
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What's the difference between a job and a wife after six years?
A job still sucks
#sexandshit
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What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
#other
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A man got fired from his packaging job at a produce factory. Comes home and wife asksed how it happened. He: I was feeling hot, so I stuck my dick into the pickle slicer. She: Oh no! Is your dick ok? He: Yeah, my dick is fine. They fired me for some workplace ethics rule. She: And what about the pickle slicer? He: They fired her too.
#oldbutgold
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Time heals all wounds. (my therapist)
Time wounds all heels. (my podiatrist)
#wordplay
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When you pull a pin out of a grenade, how do you put it back?
Urgent and quick answers, plea
#other
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What do you call a lizard that doesn’t work?
A reptile dysfunction
#wordplay
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A vasectomy only works if you tell your wife about it
Otherwise she keep on getting pregnant
#boomerhumor
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A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners The lady says, "Come Again!"
The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
#sexandshit
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Vegans will be the first to invent intergalactic travel
Imagine living in the Milky Way
wordplay
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What do you call it when a sixty year old man suddenly starts reading the Bible?
Cramming for finals.
#wordplay
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