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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals.
The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.
The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”
#oldbutgold
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What has more letters than “The Alphabet?”
The Post Office
#other
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My sister, Rachel, just came out as a lesbian and introduced us to her girlfriend. Also named Rachel
It's my first time meeting an interrachel couple.
#wordplay
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Three cowboys are settling down after a long day herding cattle.
The first cowboy says, "You know, it takes a real man's man to do this job. I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why? just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second cowboy not to be outdone, shakes his head and replies, "You think that's tough? Why, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot long rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands and bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today!"
The first and second cowboy glance over expectantly at the third cowboy, but he just smiles and says nothing, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
#other
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Success is like pregnancy.
Everybody congratulates you,
but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
#oldbutgold
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A Roman centurion goes to the movie theater. When the movie's over, he asks for a refund.
"No one told me that my movie was going to be a pornographic one," the centurion tells the ticket-taker.
The ticket-taker says, "Sir, look at the marquee. It says right here what kind of movies we play here."
Looking back up at the marquee, the centurion responds "You lie! There are most certainly not 30 movies!"
#wordplay
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So I was out having beers with the boys the other day . . .
The wife calls and says, "If you're not home in ten minutes I'm feeding the dinner I cooked to the dog!"
I was home in five minutes! I'd hate for anything to happen to that dog.
#roast
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Man killed by shark whilst on honeymoon
Doctors said he didn't suffer much as he'd only been married 5 days.
#boomerhumor
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A man haunted by his sins went to the church for a confession with the priest...
There's a devout Catholic man who once committed a regrettable act – he gave his best friend a blowjob while intoxicated. Filled with remorse, he decided to seek forgiveness from God and headed to the church.
Inside the church, he approached the priest and says he wants to confessed his sin, the priest say: "no need to tell me, take a look on this book" The priest handed him a book containing a list of sins along with their corresponding penances for forgiveness.
As he flipped through the pages, he noticed various sins and their prescribed prayers:
"Stealing: 10 Hail Marys and 10 Our Fathers"
"Gluttony: 10 Hail Marys"
"Envy: 10 Our Fathers"
He searched the entire book but couldn't find the specific sin he was seeking forgiveness for – "blowjob." Feeling puzzled, he spotted one of the altar boys nearby, a regular helper at the church. He decided to ask for advice.
Approaching the altar boy, he inquired hesitantly, "Hey, young fellow, I'm not sure how to handle a situation. What does the priest usually give for. blowjobs?
The altar boy, unaware of the man's situation, thought for a moment and responded cheerfully, "Well, for me, the priest usually gives a bag of Cheetos! But as for you, I guess you'll have to negotiate that with him!"
#sexandshit
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You know the difference between sex for money and sex for free?
Sex for money is a whole lot cheaper.
#other
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A lawyer’s wife died. At her grave, everyone was appalled.
The tombstone read, “HERE LIES PHYLLIS, WIFE OF ATTORNEY MURRAY WILLIAMS; SPECIALIZES IN DIVORCE AND MALPRACTICE”.
Murray burst into tears. His brother said, “You SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this.”
Murray said, “You don’t understand. I gave them my business card.”
His brother apologized.
“…and they didn’t include the phone number!”
#other
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A man is about to enter a casino, but is approached by a beggar just as he’s about to go in the door…
The beggar asks, “Hey man, can you spare a bit of money? I’m hungry, and could really use a jacket and a new pair of shoes.”
“Wait a minute”, says the man, “How do I know you’re not just going to take the money and go gamble it all away?”
“Oh, don’t worry… I won’t”, replies the beggar, “I’ve got gambling money!”
#other
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The Doctor tells the 90 Year Old Man that he needs a semen sample. "Bring back the specimen tomorrow."
The next day the old man comes back with the jar in hand. It's as clean and empty as it was the previous day. "Did you have a little trouble?" asked the doctor. A pause, then he says, "When I got home I tried, you know? First, with the right hand. Next, with the left hand. Nothing. That I asked my wife for some help. She tried too. With her left hand, with the right hand, with her mouth, she even put it under her armpit. Nothing. "Now we got us a friend, down the street. She helps us with things now and again from time to time, seeing as how we're getting on in age, and she's trying with her left, with her right..." "Hold on," the doctor says, "you asked your neighbor for help?" "Yeah, but none of us could get that jar open."
#oldbutgold
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A guy says to his wife "gimme a blowjob."
She says "Honey, could you PLEASE be bit a bit more romantic?"
He says "gimme a blowjob in the rain."
#sexandshit
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What do you call friends with benefits who just had a kid?
Friends with consequences.
#sexandshit
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What's worse than child labour ?
Child neighbour
#wordplay
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A man inherited a farm and decided to remodel it...
He had a great business idea. Turn it into a country vacation destination. Tours for kids, horseback and wagon rides. Learn to milk cows the old fashioned way. Eat fresh farm raised food... Well, he encountered one problem.
There was an ornery old rooster that didn't like strangers hanging about, and would attack them if he got the chance. He didn't have the heart to get rid of him. After all this was his home too. So he calls up an old high-school buddy that he had heard was down on his luck and offers him a job. He needed him to follow the old rooster around with broom, and intercept the old bird if it looked like he was heading towards any guests.
The old buddy understood the job, but had one question. Why him and not a local farm boy? "Well, you remember how, when we were in high-school, you were popular with the ladies? And when I thought I finally had a chance, you'd swoop in take her away? Well I wanted someone who could do a good job stopping that rooster, and you're the best cock-blocker I know."
#wordplay
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Google is 25 years old now
In other news, Leonardo DiCaprio has announced that he'll be using Bing search now.
#other
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Do you know everything?
Without being arrogant, yes, I do.
It's an indefinite pronoun.
#other
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A world famous statistician was stopped by TSA at the airport
on his way to catch a flight to Washington DC. When they opened up his bag they found a bomb in it. Subsequently he was handcuffed and taken to the station for questioning. When asked about it he said, “I always carry a bomb with me for every fight!” The investigator questioned this, saying “Why would you do such a thing?” To which the statistician replied, “because the odds of two people having bombs on the same flight are astronomical!”
#oldbutgold
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The teacher fell asleep in class and a little naughty boy walked up to him...
Little boy: "Teacher are you ... sleeping in class?"
Teacher : "No I am not sleeping in class."
Little boy : "What were you doing sir ?"
Teacher : " I was talking to God."
The next day the naughty boy fell asleep in class and the same teacher walks up to him...
Teacher : "young man, you are sleeping in my class."
Little boy : "No not me sir,I am not sleeping."
Angry teacher: "What were you doing.??"
Little boy : "I was talking to God."
Angry teacher: "What did He say??"
Little boy : "God said He never spoke to you yesterday..."
#other
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I wasn't upset when my gf dumped me because I had a small penis.
I was never really that much into her.
#wordplay
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My coworker keeps complaining about his lunch being stolen from the break room fridge.
Monday morning he brought in a turkey and provolone on wheat bread. Put it in the fridge. By lunch time it was gone.
Tuesday he brought in ham and cheddar on white bread. Put it in the fridge, again gone by lunch.
Today he brought a chicken ceaser wrap. Gone by noon.
I hope he brings a pastrami and Swiss tommorow. That's my favorite.
#oldbugold
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It's a hot day at the end of summer, and a man walks into a local ice cream parlor and looks at the menu and orders a single scoop of chocolate ice cream.
Employee: "Sorry, we're all out of chocolate ice cream today."
Customer: " Awhhh... well, okay." "Umm... lemme get a double scoop of chocolate ice cream."
The employee sighs and replies: "Sorry sir, I don't know if you heard me, but we're all out of chocolate ice cream."
Customer: "Ohh right right... okay, umm... lemme have a triple scoop of your chocolate ice cream then."
Employee: "Sir, we don't have chocolate ice cream... You can have vanilla or you can have strawberry, but we're all out of chocolate!"
Customer: "Oh I'm so sorry, I misunderstood... why don't you just give me a pint of chocolate ice cream then."
Now the employee is completely annoyed, and replies "Mister...Do you see the 'straw' in 'strawberry'?"
Customer: "Yeah, of course I see the 'straw' in 'strawberry'"
Employee: "Okay great! Do you see the 'van' in vanilla?"
Customer (A little irritated): "Yes I do see the van in vanilla"
Employee: "Fantastic! Now do you see the 'FUCK' in chocolate?" Customer: "Wait... there ain't no 'Fuck' in chocolate??"
Employee: "That's what I've been trying to tell you...
THERE AIN'T NO FUCKIN' CHOCOLATE!"
#oldbutgold
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A man in a bar is drinking whiskey and says: with what I have, I shouldn't be drinking so much...
Then he turns to the bartender and says: give me another one, even though... with what I have, I shouldn't be drinking so much.
As soon as he finishes drinking, he goes back to the bartender and asks for another whiskey, still murmuring: with what I have, I shouldn't be drinking so much.
At that point, the bartender, intrigued, asks: what do you have that you keep saying you shouldn't be drinking so much?
— What do I have? I only have 1 dollar!
#other
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My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I can’t believe our son would go so far.”
Me: Me neither. This trebuchet is awesome. Go get our daughter.
#oldbutgold
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A man suspected her wife to cheat on him while he was at work.
A man suspected his wife to cheat on him while he was at work. He told his best friend about it.
- I could place a hidden camera in the bedroom, but I don't want to spend that much money...
- Well, there's an easy and cheap way to be sure: attach a spoon under your mattress, and place a bowl filled with milk under it. That way, if your wife goes to bed with someone, the mattress will sink and the spoon will touch the milk. All you have to do when you get home is to check if milk is on the spoon or not.
The man agrees to do so and goes home.
2 days later, they meet again.
- So, did you do it?
- Yeah, I did everything you told me: I put the spoon, the bowl, the milk, etc. And I checked yesterday evening.
- So?
- The bowl was full of butter.
#sexandshit
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John was at the grocery store buying beer for poker night with his buddies
When he is in the frozen food section a voluptuous redhead approaches him and says:
“Excuse me, I think you are the father of one of my kids”
John replied: “ohhh, we’re you that redhead that I banged in the bathroom at Shannon’s a couple of years back?, you certainly look good”
The redhead replied: “No sir…, I’m a kindergartner teacher and I teach Timmy, your 5 year old son…”
#oldbutgold
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My wife called out another man's name during sex
If I ever find out who this "Ron Hole" is, I'm going to kill him
#sexandshit
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Pornhub was just banned in Arkansas, but there's a catch. Before you can gain access, you have to watch at least one video of dwarf MILF content.
That's the bare mini mum.
#wordplay
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