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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door?
Matt.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A biologist, a physicist and a statistician go hunting and they see a deer 70 feet in front of them.
The biologist calculates the deer's movement and shoots 5 feet to the left of the deer because he forgot to calculate the speed of the wind..
The physicist calculates the speed of the wind and shoots 5 feet to the right of the deer because he didn't calculate the deer's movement.
The statistician then shouts, "We've got it!"
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A circus performer is driving home after a long day of training, when he is pulled over by a police officer for a broken light.
The officer looks in the car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
“Sir,” he says, “Why do you have all those knives?”
“They're for my juggling act,” the circus performer replies.
“I don’t believe you,” says the cop. “Prove it.” So the performer gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives flawlessly.
Just at that moment, a car with two guys in it drives by. "Wow,” says one to the other. “I’m glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard.”
#other
@Sickipedia
I decided to put together a support group for erectile dysfunction
It was a big flop and nobody came.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A man driving a Kia stops at a traffic light next to a Rolls-Royce.
The Kia driver rolls down his window and calls out to the Rolls-Royce driver, "Hey, pal, that's an impressive car. Does your Rolls have Wi-Fi? My Kia does!" The Rolls-Royce driver replies, "Yes, it has Wi-Fi." The Kia driver continues, "Nice! And do you have a fridge in there? I have a fridge in the backseat of my Kia!" The Rolls-Royce driver, getting irritated, responds, "Yes, there's a refrigerator." Not backing down, the Kia driver asks, "That's cool, man! What about a TV? I've got a TV in my Kia's backseat!" The Rolls-Royce driver, increasingly annoyed, says, "Yes, there's a television. A Rolls-Royce is the epitome of luxury vehicles!" The Kia driver says, "Amazing car! But, do you have a bed in there? I've got a bed in the back of my Kia!" Frustrated that his car lacks a bed, the Rolls-Royce driver speeds off. He heads straight to the dealership and orders a bed to be installed in his Rolls. The following morning, he picks up his car, and the bed looks fantastic, complete with silk sheets and elegant brass accents. It's undoubtedly a bed suited for a Rolls-Royce.
The Rolls-Royce driver spends the entire day searching for the Kia. Finally, late that night, he spots the Kia parked with fogged-up windows. He gets out of his Rolls-Royce and knocks on the Kia's window. At first, there's no response, but then the owner pokes his head out, dripping wet. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the Rolls-Royce driver declares smugly.
The Kia driver replies, "Did you really drag me out of the shower just to tell me that?!
#other
@Sickipedia
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”
And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”
That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I was showing my mate a picture of this girl, and I said with a chuckle, "She was only 14 and had already gotten a tattoo."
Unfortunately though, a tour guide overheard, got really upset, and demanded that we instantly leave the Anne Frank house.
#other
If you should ever want to know your Dolphin name,
just lick your finger then rub a balloon
#other
My daughter walked in from her mother's funeral, sat down and started crying.
Not wanting to come across unsympathetic, I handed her a tissue.
"Thanks dad, that's very thoughtful", she said.
Well if she's that upset, I'm hardly going to force her to swallow am I?
#sexandshit
Since The Doctor put my wife on her new tablets we have had sex every night.
Seems nothing wakes her.
#sexandshit
My cock cures Cancer.
Well, that's what I tell the kids in the Leukaemia ward anyway.
#sexandshit
I must be getting old. I thought 'Instagram' was a term for a reliable drug dealer.
#other
How are millenials and tightrope walkers alike?
Compromise their net and they will literally die.
#other
What is the fastest way to become sober?
Touching your pockets and not feeling your phone.
#other
@Sickipedia
A man on his retirement, purchased a house situated near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began. One afternoon early into the first semester, three young boys came down the street, beating merrily on every bin they passed.
They did this the following day and the day's after that, for a week, until the man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Would you do me a favor? I would give you each a dollar, if you promise to come around and do your thing."
The boys were more than happy to accept this and continued to bang the bins.
After a few days, the man came out to meet them with a sad smile, and said, "This recession really is putting a dent in my income. From now on, I will pay you each 50 cents to continue."
The boys were unimpressed by this, but continued to do the same afternoon activities.
A few days later, the man approached them again and said, "Look, the recession has again reduced my income, so from now on, I am afraid I can only pay you 25 cents each."
The leader then exclaims angrily, "That's it? If you really think we are going to waste our time banging the bins for 25 cents each, you must be a fool. No way that's going to happen. We quit."
The man then enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
#other
@Sickipedia
I think my neighbour is stalking me. I caught her Googling my name. At least I think she was...
The focus on my telescope is a little shaky.
#other
@Sickipedia
If I get a job at a railroad...
will they expect me to know the job or will they train me?
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What's the difference between a joke and a dick?
You're not good at taking a joke.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
I told a Saudi friend my best joke and he didn't get the reference.
It's like he's living under Iraq.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Why is the British weather like Islam?
Because it’s either Sunni or Shi’ite.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman
... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.
The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.
He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minute nap, and while I'm asleep, I need you to hold my old pecker." She agrees, he wakes up 20 minutes later and goes at it again, just as vigorously as before.
The girl is amazed at the old man's stamina, and repeats her freebie offer, the old man tells her that once again, he'll need a 20 minute nap and she'll have to hold his dick while he's asleep. She does as he asks, he wakes up 20 minutes later and he goes at it again, with even more enthusiasm than previously.
The hooker catches her breath, and needing to satisfy her curiosity, asks the old man "I can understand why you need the nap, but why do you need me to hold your dick while you're sleeping?"
The old man replies "Oh, that's just so you don't steal my wallet."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
In the bedroom, my girlfriend really likes it when I wear a suit,
because she’s got this kinky fantasy where I have a proper job
#other
All these Muslims hitting people with cars...
If the men are this bad at driving, I see why they don't let their women drive.
#other
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.
#other
I had that awkward, 'How come your willy is so much bigger than mine?' Conversation with my son in the bathroom this morning...
He said, "I don't know, dad, I'm only three."
#sexandshit
FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL MY AMERICAN FRIENDS....
It's Mum not Mom
It's crisps not chips
It's chips not fries
It's football not soccer
It's rugby not football
It's school not shooting range
#other
Did you hear about the shooting in a library?
I hope he used a silencer
#crime
I found a badly injured owl in our garden last night, so I tried to put it out of its misery...
Took me three fucking hours to wring its neck.
#other