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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A redneck, his wife and teenage daughter walk into a restaurant.
The waitress asks, "Table for two?".
#sexandshit
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I can't say no to my girlfriend when she gives me puppy dog eyes...
If she could be that cruel to a poor, defenseless dog I can't imagine what she could do to me.
#wordplay
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Prince Charles and the Hooker.
Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.
"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
She'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband.
As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.
Then, the hooker yelled:
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard !”
#sexandshit
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My date asked me to undress her with words.
I told her she has a spider in her bra.
#other
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What do you call two old men drooling in their wheelchairs?
The 2028 election.
#politics
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Did you hear of the guy who says he has no butthole?
He's full of shit.
#wordplay
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Cassette tapes have side A and side B…
… so it’s only logical their successor would be the CD.
#wordplay
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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink
The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.
The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.
The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?"
The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?"
The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?"
#oldbutgold
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It’s WWII and there’s a little anti-aircraft unit based on the east coast of England. The sergeant has a stutter.
One dark night they’re playing cards under the glow of their gas lamp, and suddenly they hear the distant sound of aircraft engines. The sergeant barks, “Ggggggggg-ggggg-gggggg-gggg-ggggg-get to the gggggg-ggg-gggggg-ggggg-gggg-ggggggg-ggg-gggggg-ggg-gun.”
All the men throw down their cards and rush over to the gun.
The sergeant says, “Rrrrrrrr-rrrrr-rrrrrrrrr-rrrrr-rrrrrrr-rrrrr-rrrrrrrrr-rrrrr-rrrrrr-ready.”
The men are ready with the gun.
The sergeant says, “Aaaaaa-aaa-aaaaaa-aaa-a-a-aaa-aaaa-aaaa-aaa-aaaaaaa-aaa-aim.”
Within seconds the men have the gun aimed at the German bomber.
The sergeant yells, “FFFFFFF-FFFF-FFFFFFF-FFFF-FFFF-FFFF-FFFF-FFFFFFFFFFFFF-FFFF…
“FFFF-FFFFFFFF-FFFF-FFFFFFFF-FFFF-FFFFFF-FF-FF-F-F-F-F-FFFFF-FFFFFF-FFFF…
“FFFF-FFFF-FFFF-FFF-FF-FFF-FFFF…
“FFFF-FUCK it lads, we’ll get ‘em on the way back.”
#other
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Mother Superior wakes up and gets out of bed one morning in the convent.
She begins her usual walk down a long hallway, with rooms for the other nuns lining either side. Immediately one of the nuns looks at mother superior and says "It looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!"
Mother Superior is a little taken aback by this comment, but shrugs it off and continues. Remarkably, as she passes the very next room, another nun says "Looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!"
And on and on down the hallway this continues until she finally reaches her destination, meeting with one of the priests coming to visit for the day. The priest begins to open his mouth to greet her when she stops him and quite exasperatedly she exclaims "Don't you dare say "It looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!"
The priest says "I wasn't going to say that. I was just going to ask why you're wearing the Bishop's slippers.
#other
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Seriously? Gay jokes during Pride Month?
Come on guys.
#wordplay
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I asked God what the most unlikely thing in the world was.
He replied.
#religion
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A business man is leaving his wife for a week and has concerns about her straying while away.
He visits a number of adult toy stores looking for something that will keep his wife "busy" while he's gone. After hours of searching he eventually stumbles into a Chinese Herb and Erotic Tincture shop in Chinatown. After telling the old man running the store of his dilemma, the old shopkeeper thinks for a bit.
He says, "I think I have something that will work, but it's not for the faint of heart or for the undisciplined. In fact, it may be too much for your wife."
The man's interest piqued, says, "If it wears her out, that's even better. I'll take it."
After many more warnings and even more haggling over the price, the shopkeeper produces an old wooden box, inscribed in gold with beautiful pictograms and unknown writing. "This is the voodoo dick. To make it work, your wife must simply say 'Voodoo Dick - vagina'."
The man, not sure if he believes what he's hearing asks for a demonstration. The shopkeeper opens the box and exclaims, "Voodoo dick - the cabinet". Pointing to an old cabinet in the corner of the shop, the voodoo dick rises out of its box and flies across the shop and starts pounding at the keyhole. As it's pounding, the cabinet begins to shake as the voodoo dick chips away until the cabinet eventually crumbles into a pile of wood and splinters.
The old shopkeeper then says "Voodoo dick - your box." The voodoo dick obediently flies back into the box with the lid snapping shut behind it.
Agreeing to the exorbitant price and happy with his purchase, the man leaves the store with his wife's new toy.
The next morning as the business man gets ready for his trip, he tells his wife that he's got a present for her. He has her get undresses and lie on the bed and then opens the box and exclaims, "Voodoo dick - her vagina." The man then tells his wife that she only need to say "voodoo dick - your box" when done.
In her state of excitement, however, she completely ignores and disregards his instructions. The husband, leaves for his business trip comforted in the knowledge that his wife will have no reason to stray.
After several hours of orgasms and immense pleasure, and a few half hearted attempts at getting the voodoo dick to stop, the woman finally decides she has had enough. Unfortunately she still can't remember how to stop it. She yells everything she can think of, "voodoo dick, stop", "voodoo dick, halt", and on and on. Nothing is working.
She finds the receipt with the address of the shop and decides to head to the shopkeeper for help. She struggles to get dressed as the voodoo dick continues to relentlessly give her orgasm after orgasm. She gets in her car and heads towards Chinatown, swerving across lanes and squirming around in her seat.
A policeman sees the erratic driving and behavior and pulls the woman over. Seeing her disheveled appearance, he asks, "Is everything ok, are you having a medical emergency?"
The woman collects herself the best she can and says, "My husband got me a voodoo dick and it won't stop. I've had like 60 orgasms. I can't figure out how to get the voodoo dick to stop. So I'm heading to Chinatown to ask the man that sold him the voodoo dick."
The officer looks at the woman in disbelief and says, "Voodoo dick - my ass!"
#sexandshit
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There’s a fine line between a numerator a denominator
Only a fraction of people will get that joke
#wordplay
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I asked God for money
I later found out that God doesn't work that way. So I robbed a bank, then asked for forgiveness.
#oldbutgold
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Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?
In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
#sexandshit
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A teacher asks in class:
"If three pigeons are sitting on a tree, and i shoot down one, how many pigeons will be left?"
A student raises their hand and says: "None."
Confused, the teacher asks why, to which the student responds: "Well, if you shoot down one, the others will get scared by the gunshot and fly away."
"Well no, two birds are left, but I like your way of thinking", the teacher says. The student replies: "Well I have a question for you too". "Oh? Go on..". "If two women are standing in front of an ice cream truck, with one licking her ice cream, and the other one biting it; which woman is married?"
Embarrassed, the teacher asks: "The one that licks her ice cream?" "No", the student says, "the one that wears a ring - but I like your way of thinking."
#other
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Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
#wordplay
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I ran into my wife’s ex.
He smarmily asked, “How do you like that used pussy?”
I told him, “It ain’t too bad once you get past the used part.”
#sexandshit
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An eight year old girl went to the office with her Dad on a "Take your kid to work day".
As they were walking around the office the young girl was getting crankier and crankier, crying and sobbing. Her father asked what was wrong with her?
As the concerned office staff gathered around she sobbed loundly "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"
#other
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Chuck Norris told a joke about Jada Smith.
Will Smith then smacked her.
#classic
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What does a penis and a Rubik's cube have in common?
The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
#sexandshit
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Wife: I have a bag full of old clothes I’d like to donate
Me: Why not throw them in the trash, much easier?
Wife: There are poor, starving, people who can really use all these clothes.
Me: Anyone who fits into your clothes is not starving.
I’m currently in hospital on ward 8b
#roast
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A blonde was speeding when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car
The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.
She held it up to her face and said, "Aha!
This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said,
"You're free to go.
And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
#stupid
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Fellas if you ever meet a woman who takes the time to take care of bees, marry her.
She's a keeper.
#wordplay
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If a pro lifer asks "What if Mary aborted Jesus"?
Replying "it would have sped things along" isn't the answer they were looking for.
#religion
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Last night I was offered a threesome by two hot twins
Sex with Jessica felt great, but Jeremy was a pain in the ass.
#wordplay
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A train conductor kills 2 people and is sentenced to the electric chair...
A train conductor ends up killing two people while on the job. He is found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair. When the day comes, he is asked what he would want for his last meal, and he requests a banana. After finishing his meal, he is strapped to the chair and electrocuted. However, by some miracle, he ends up surviving.
Seeing as he technically served his sentence, he is released from prison, where he gets a job as a train conductor. This time, he ends up killing three people while on the job and is sentenced to the electric chair. The day comes, and for his last meal, he asks for two bananas. He finishes them and gets strapped to the chair, but he ends up surviving the electrocution again. He was released from prison for the same reason as before.
He gets another job as a train conductor and ends up killing four people this time. He is sentenced to the electric chair again, and for his last meal, he asks for three bananas. He finishes his meal and gets strapped to the chair. The guards shock him for longer than necessary and use more power, but he ends up surviving again.
The guards, all surprised, ask him, "How do you keep surviving every time? And why do you keep ordering bananas, do they save you?" The man replies, "It has nothing to do with the food, I'm just a really bad conductor."
#oldbutgold
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Is it ok for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school?
Or does that make me a bad teacher?
#other
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How does Rob Zombie make brownies?
EGGS, milk and flour and
BAKE, for half an hour and
FROST, with the back of my
SPATULA!
#other
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