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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
What do you call a sexuality where you’re attracted to men and women but they are not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself
#wordplay
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A police officer spots a car parked in a popular make-out spot late one night, and decides to investigate.
He sees a young man behind the wheel reading a newspaper and a young woman in the passenger seat knitting. This is a puzzling sight, so he decides to find out more about these individuals.
"How old are you?" he asks the guy.
"Twenty-one, officer," he replies
"What about you?" he asks the girl.
She looks at her watch: "In about ten minutes, I'll be eighteen."
#sexandshit
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I went into the office early one morning and switched the M and N keys on everyone's keyboard. Some people will say I'm a monster
The others will say nomster.
#wordplay
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
#religion
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What three letter word starts with gas?
Car
#wordplay
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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the day when we drank together.
So I drinks one for each a me brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no. Everyone's fine," He explains, "I just joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."
#oldbutgold
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Whenever I eat probiotic yogurt, I make sure to remind people...
...that I'm a man of many cultures.
#wordplay
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What do you call a female rapper?
38 Cent
#sexism
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A judge calls opposing council into his chambers and says "Gentlemen, I've called you here to discuss a very serious matter. Both of you have given me bribes to influence my decision".
The lawyers begin to squirm in their seats.
"Mr. Morgenstern, you have given me $40,000 to rule in your favor, and Mr. Atkinson, you have given me $50,000 to rule for you".
He hands Atkinson $10,000 in cash and says "Now that you are both even, I intend to decide the case purely on its merits".
#other
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Knock knock. Who's there? Grandad.
Shit stop the funeral!
#other
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My GF said that she will break up with me if I sing "I'm a believer"
I thought she was kidding, but then I saw her face.
#wordplay
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The beginning of the first class in college a professor wanted to stir things up, to make a point he said “If there are any idiots in this room, will you please stand up"
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?", inquired the professor in a snidely voice.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, “ I just hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”
#oldbutgold
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Why did the transgender man only eat salads?
He was a herbivore.
#wordplay
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If, at first, you don't succeed...
I would not recommend skydiving.
#other
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Three men are out on the golf course. The first tees off and slices the ball straight into the water hazard. The second man is like, “Oof, tough luck, Moses!”
Moses replies, “No worries.” He walks over, waves his driver at the water, and it parts. He finds his ball and plays on.
The second guy tees off and also hits it right in the water. Moses laughs and says, “Haha, didn’t learn anything, did you, Jesus?”
Jesus laughs, walks out over the water, finds his ball, and plays through.
The third man tees off. His ball slices straight toward the water, but before it breaks the surface, an enormous fish jumps out of the water and swallows the ball. As the fish is about to land, an eagle swoops down and scoops the fish up in its talons. The eagle swoops out, but drops the fish a moment later. It lands, and the ball rolls out of its mouth… straight into the hole.
Moses looks at Jesus and says, “Man. I hate playing golf with your dad.”
#religion
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I asked my wife where she wanted to go for dinner.
She suggested, "How about one of those places where they make your food right in front of you?"
So I took her to Subway.
#other
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What's a super power most children have?
Supervision
#wordplay
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While washing clothes I found $5. I gotta be more careful.
Money laundering is a very serious crime.
#wordplay
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A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back. "I'm a turtle", he says.
"Oh... who's on your back?"
"That's Michelle", he replies.
#wordplay
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I asked my wife if the cup was half full or half empty
She said: "For the love of god, stop wearing my bra"
#wordplay
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A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Womb is pronounced as "woom" and tomb as "toom".
It's only fair that bomb should go "boom".
#wordplay
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Last week we took the kids to see "Disney On Ice" but it was very disappointing.
It was just some old dead guy in a freezer.
#wordplay
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Why do the British pronounce it "Bri'ish"?
Because the Americans dumped the T in Boston Harbor.
#wordplay
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Girl winks at the bartender and asks, "Is it true hot chicks don't pay for their drinks here?"
Bartender: "Yes, that's been our policy for years! Here's your check."
#roast
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My wife is one of the clumsiest people I know.
I'm so glad she fell for me
#wordplay
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What do you call a dying airport computer?
A terminal terminal terminal.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Daughter asks her Mother for some advice...
"My boyfriend has asked me to give him a hand job" she says "But I have no idea how to do it?"
"It's pretty easy" her Mother replied "Just pretend you're shaking a bottle of sauce"
Later that evening, her boyfriend begged her to give him a hand job. "No problem" she said, so he unzipped his pants and she takes a firm hold of his cock. Then she repeatedly smashed his knob as hard as she could with the palm of her other hand.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A man gets pulled over by a police car....
"Excuse me sir, we've been searching for a sheep molester in the area. We'd like to ask you a few questions, and there's a reward being offered"
The man thinks for a second, "Okay sure, it's not my thing but I'll do it"
#sexandshit
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