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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer's,
I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife.
Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question. But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
#roast
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They each agreed for a tour of their country under one condition about the homosexuals. The Saudi and Dutch thought they had very similar beliefs about gays. However, once at Saudi Arabia, the Dutch was mortified at all of the brutal death penalty methods used for homosexuality. At the Netherlands, the Saudi was mortified to see tons and tons of gay people smoking weed out of peace pipes and such. They simultaneously said in utter shock and confusion, with a bit of betrayal; "What the hell? I thought you said your nation was the land of gays getting stoned!"
#oldbutgold
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I told a joke on a zoom meeting but nobody laughed.
Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
#wordplay
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People in the gym always ask me how I got so big?
Being a bodybuilder, people are shocked at how big I am. Many of them ask “how did you get so big?!” I tell them that it’s simple. I Followed an extremely strict diet of raw oats and milk.
Seriously. I ate nothing but raw oats and milk for two years and literally doubled in size!
But then I grew teeth and my mom made me switch to solid foods.
#other
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A priest comes home from work.
He sees that his neighbor, the rabbi's car is very dirty and decides to wash it for him.
The next day just as the priest was preparing to leave for work he sees the rabbi cutting at his car's exhaust pipe.
Priest: "What are you doing, neighbor ? I wash your car and you destroy mine ?!"
Rabbi: "Shut up! If you can baptize my car it's fair game for me to circumcise yours!"
#religion
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Why was the astronomer's desk so disorganized?
They prefer Messier objects
#wordplay
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I asked an Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spanish man, and a German if they can see me.
They responded Yes, Oui, Sí, Ja
#wordplay
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Yo mama is so fat, that if she could communicate with the dead…
she wouldn’t be called a medium, but an extra large.
#wordplay
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A möbius strip walks into a bar, distraught and crying
The bartender says “Oh no, Möbius Strip! Looks like you’ve had a bad day. Pull up a chair and tell me what’s wrong”
The mobius strip sit down, wipes it’s eyes and says “WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN?!”
#wordplay
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Donald Trump is on the Epstein List but don't worry,
Republicans don't care about minor issues.
#wordplay
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I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!
He wants to be a millionaire, too.
#wordplay
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What cheese is made backwards?
Edam
#wordplay
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How can a room full of married people be empty?
Because there’s not a single person there
#wordplay
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My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars.
I said, “That’s outrageous!”
He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
#wordplay
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A man takes his 7-year-old daughter to visit a castle...
while they are visiting the castle, they come accross some stairs that lead to another floor. since the castle is filled of history and authenticity, the man, amazed by the castle, tells his daughter: "can you believe that a long time ago, the king, ministers and other important people used to take these same stairs..." to which the daughter responds: "yes, it's so obvious!" the man, a bit confused, asks her: "why do you think it's that obvious?" and her daughter responds: "because there weren't any elevators at their time!"
#other
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What did the angel say when he picked up the phone ?
Halo 😇
#wordplay
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Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
First Lady: What's that?
Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet.
First Lady: Where did you get it?
Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
#sexandshit
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I don't like the word "grammar nazi", since it has the word nazi in it
I prefer to be called a write supremacist.
#wordplay
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One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car. He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up.
After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house. The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.
The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken. "That"s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?" "I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."
#other
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A nun woke up one morning feeling great, she got out of bed and decided to go to the kitchen for some breakfast. On her way over there she runs into sister Jane and she says, "Hi sister Jane," by which sister Jane says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed sister.
She did not understand what sister Jane meant by that so she ignored it and went on. She was passing by the garden when she ran into sister Roberta and she says, "Good morning sister Roberta I am having a great day. Sister Roberta says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed." The nun was wondering why everybody she met kept saying that when she felt great so she decides to go and see mother superior. She asks mother superior, "Everybody keeps telling me that I got off on the wrong side of the bed when I feel great and mother superior says,"That is because you have brother Johns shoes on."
#other
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As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day in order to survive.
I'm lucky that my older brother told me about it.
#other
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A 17 year old male walks into a drug store
He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"
Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."
#oldbutgold
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What do you get when you cross a zoophile, a necrophiliac, and an idiomatic expression?
Someone who should REALLY stop beating that dead horse.
#wordplay
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The only thing flat earthers have to fear...
...is sphere itself.
#wordplay
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A man goes for a walk in the park. On his walk, he sees two men sitting on a park bench and looking very down.
“What’s wrong?” He asked them.
One of the men looks up at the man and lets out a long sigh: “Take a seat and I’ll tell you.”
Curious, he sits down next to the two men.
“The paint’s wet,” the man says.
#other
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A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy
“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied
“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked
“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said
The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says
“I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.”
“Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.”
The boy thought for a moment then said
“You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
#sexandshit
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My dentist asked if I smoke or drink coffee
I said I drink it
#wordplay
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2 hunters are lost in the woods...
After wandering around for a couple hours they decide to weigh their options, one says, "I heard if you shoot in the air someone will hear and come to your rescue", so they fire a few times in the air and wait, nothing happens so they try again a couple more times, after a few hours of this they're starting to get worried and one says, "I hope we get help soon", to which the other responds, "I know right, I am almost out of arrows"
#other
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Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times." The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."
#oldbutgold
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