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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!"
Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk returns to the bar's far end. Ten minutes later, he returns and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk.”
#oldbutgold
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I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it to roll up a joint.
He’s now high on the list of people I would never want to talk to again.
#wordplay
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A tortoise crawls on the road.
Suddenly, it sees d'Artagnan and the Three Musketeers up ahead, riding their horses.
- Greetings, d'Artagnan - he says as they approach.
- Greetings, Tortoise.
- Greetings, d'Artagnan's horse.
- Greeting, Tortoise.
- Greetings, Athos.
- Greetings, Tortoise.
- Greetings, Athos' horse.
- Greeting, Tortoise.
- Greetings, Porthos.
- Greetings, Tortoise.
- Greetings, Porthos' horse.
- Greeting, Tortoise.
- Greetings, Aramis.
- Greetings, Tortoise.
- Greetings, Aramis' horse.
- Greeting, Tortoise.
The Musketeers pass.
- Farewell, d'Artagnan - says the tortoise.
- Farewell, Tortoise.
- Farewell, d'Artagnan's horse.
- Farewell, Tortoise.
- Farewell, Athos.
- Farewell, Tortoise.
- Farewell, Athos' horse.
- Farewell, Tortoise.
- Farewell, Porthos.
- Farewell, Tortoise.
- Farewell, Porthos' horse.
- Farewell, Tortoise.
- Farewell, Aramis.
- Farewell, Tortoise.
- Farewell, Aramis' horse.
- Farewell, Tortoise.
Having parted from them, the tortoise crawls on. Suddenly, up ahead, it sees Leonidas and the 300 Spartans.
#other
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I hate public transportation. I once had to watch a homeless man masturbate on a train for 45 minutes once.
Then my phone died.
#sexandshit
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Two brothers were sent to prison.
Unwilling to serve their time, the brothers immediately began planning their escape. They located an unsecured window in an upper floor bathroom and stole bedsheets to create a makeshift rope.
To cover their escape, the older brother planned to fake a stomach cramp and pretend to be loudly ill, to discourage anyone from investigating while the younger brother assembled their escape rope. The younger brother asked if his brother was joking.
The older brother replied, "Nope, this is the real plan. I shit you knot."
#wordplay
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So kids, what did you do during your break?
Jim raises his hand and says: “I watched the birds”.
“Ah,” says the teacher, “If you can write ‘bird’ without making any mistakes, you may leave an hour earlier”.
So Jim goes up to the blackboard and correctly writes ‘bird’.
Next, Susie raises her hand and says: “I was playing tag”. Again the teacher promises: “You may leave an hour earlier if you can write ‘tag’ without making any mistakes.” So, Susie goes up to the blackboard and writes ‘tag’ correctly.
Then Mohamed raises his hand and says: “I wanted to play with the other kids, but they wouldn’t let me because I am an Arab”. Turning to the class, the teacher says: “There is no need to exclude him like this, kids. Now Mohamed, if you can write ‘racial discrimination of an ethnic minority…
#other
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My friend Jay recently had twin daughters and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
#wordplay
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My wife is mad at me because of the way I keep introducing her
I always refer to her as my «ex-girlfriend»
#other
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Cop pulled me over and said: "PAPERS"
I yelled "SCISSORS" and drove off.
#wordplay
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The King returns home from the hunt. Suddenly, he sees that right in the royal courtyard, some insolent fellow wrote in the snow "The King is a moron" with his urine.
Enraged, the King shouts:
- Merlin! Come here this instant!
At once, the court wizard appears.
- Merlin, - says the King. - At once, find out who did this!
Merlin pulls out his staff, casts a few spells, lights up a candle to divine in the flame...
- Your Majesty, - he says. - The urine on the snow belongs to Albert, your First Minister.
- Excellent work, Merlin, - the King turns toward his guards. - You four, arrest the First Minister at once! And the Queen, too!
- Excuse me, Your Majesty, - Merlin says. - but why the Queen?
- I recognize her handwritring.
#sexandshit
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I had a date last night, it was perfect…
Tomorrow I’ll try a grape
#wordplay
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A porn movie studio posts an ad for male actors.
Three men arrive next day at the HR.
First man: My dick is twelve inches long, and it stays hard for a whole hour.
HR head: Excellent, you are hired!
Second man: My dick is only nine inches long, but it stays hard for five hours.
HR head: Very good, you are hired as well.
Third man: Well, my dick is two inches long, and can only stay hard for fifteen seconds.
HR head: Excuse me, but why would we need a guy like you?
Third man: What, don't your movies need antagonists?
#sexandhsit
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A bartender walks into the Catholic church around the corner and enters the confessional. The window slides open and the bartender says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been 15 years since my last confession." The priest says, "And how have you sinned my son?"
The bartender says, "I have betrayed the sacred obligation of my craft, which is to listen with an open heart to the woes of others and to offer solace and wise counsel. I have been listening to people's troubles for so long, I just can't do it any more, so lately I have been pretending to listen and responding automatically with rote platitudes. I feel so guilty. I don't know what to do."
After a long silence, the bartender said, "Father? Are you there?"
"Sorry, what was that again?"
#religion
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King Arthur introduces a visitor to his warriors...
"This is the brave Sir Lancelot, and on my left, the bold Sir Gawain. On the far side of the Round table are handsome Sir Galahad, the fierce Sir Sagramore and the famous Sir Eve..."
"Wait, what? Sir Eve? Famous?! "
"Well, surely you have heard about the Knight Before Christmas?"
#wordplay
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A lady buys a lie detecting robot. If you tell a lie around it, it slaps you; hard. She goes home and places it on the dining room table.
That night, the family is having dinner at the table, and the her husband looks over at their teenage son and asks "Son, what did you do all day while we were at work?".
The son replies "Oh nothing, just... watched movies.".
The father says "Okay... wait, were you watching porn?".
The son tells him "What? No, I wasn't watching porn!".
The robot slaps the kid right out of his chair.
The father, outraged, says "When I was your age I never watched porn!".
The robot slaps the father right out of his chair.
The mother, laughing and pointing at her husband, says "Well, he's your son alright!".
The robot slaps her right out of her chair.
#oldbutgold
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said," I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away. "The distressed owner wailed, " Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its peak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."
#wordplay
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My wife asked me why i wanted to get cremated
I told her it was my last chance to have a smoking hot body.
#wordplay
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My wife said that I ruined her birthday..
But I didn’t even know it was her birthday!
#other
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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.
The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."
The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".
The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"
"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fucking business."
#other
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Kristy Garamella, a gorgeous just-graduated high school senior, had saved money for one of her bucket list items- to take a cruise all by herself, to prove her new-found independence. She boarded the cruise ship and walked around to find what there was to do.
Aboard the ship, she kept a diary:
Monday- ‘I felt singularly honored this evening, the captain invited me to dine at his table.’
Tuesday- ‘I spent the entire morning on the bridge with the captain.’
Wednesday- ‘The captain made suggestions to me unbecoming an officer and a gentleman.’
Thursday- ‘Tonight, the captain threatened to sink the ship if I don’t give in to his indecent proposals.’
Friday- ‘This afternoon, I saved 3,125 lives.’
#sexandshit
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At this time of year I love sitting in front of a roaring fire, sipping mulled wine, and listening to Christmas songs until I fall asleep.
That's probably why I lost my job as a firefighter.
#other
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Fifty priests died in a horrible bus accident.
Saint Peter was waiting at the Pearly Gates and said “To save time I’m only going to ask one question. Which of you has ever had a homosexual relationship?”
The priests mumbled and looked at the ground. Eventually 49 raised their hands.
“OK,” said Saint Peter, “Off to hell with you. And take the deaf one.”
#religion
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I asked my boss what browser he uses...
He said "Chrome"
I said "So why do people in the team say you're always on edge?"
#wordplay
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What weighs more, a gallon of water, or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
#wordplay
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What’s the worst thing to hear your surgeon say during the operation?
Literally anything.
#other
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What language do Scottish lesbians speak?
Gaylick.
#wordplay
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I have sex almost every day.
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
Almost on Saturday
Almost on Sunday
#wordplay
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A man comes to a brothel.
And asks for something really exotic to surprise him.
They point him to a room. He enters it and sees a box on the bed. He opens it, and inside is some strange smooth pink ball.
The man starts turning it in his hands:
- How am I supposed to fuck you? How am I supposed to fuck you?
The ball suddenly speaks:
- No, don't fuck me, don't fuck me!
The man (keeps turning it in his hands):
- Where did you say it from? Where did you say it from?
#sexandshit
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What did Jay-Z call his wife before they were married?
Feyonce.
#wordplay
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What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?
Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.
#wordplay
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