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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!

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My mates reckon I'm a legend after I told them I'd kicked the crap out of 2 Green Berets down the docks on the weekend.

Although I think most people prefer to call them Boy Scouts.

#other

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Sickipedia

What's the difference between someone who smokes weed and a woman who wears very little clothing?

A lot, although in opposite ends of the world they're both considered stoned.

#wordplay

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Every day is an adventure when you're incompetent.

#other

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My wife & I like to do it missionary style.

We brainwash indigenous natives & rape children.

#sexandshit

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I like wanking whilst looking in the mirror...

my driving instructor doesn't.

#sexandshit

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As the sperm dripped down my wife's chin, I looked in her eyes and asked "Do you like that? "

"No", she relied. " What the fuck is in this sandwich? "

#sexandshit

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When my teenage daughter told me she was pregnant, I shouted, "Your mum's going to kill you!"

I'm not sure if the little cunt inside her heard me or not.

#sexandshit

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If you lose your tree, try stapling a picture of it to a cat.

#other

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Whenever I phone my wife on her mobile, I speak as quietly as I can.

The closer she holds it, the greater the chance of a tumour

#other

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Does anyone else find it odd that there's only one Monopolies Commission?

#other

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You know you're getting older when you walk by a couple of priests and they don't even look your way

#sexandshit

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It's winter again. That time of year when the poor are making tough choices between food, heating or getting that massive new tattoo.

#other

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My Wife just came out of the bedroom wearing a Nurses outfit.
I thought, Fucking Awesome!

She's going to work.

#other

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Before you make fun of kids for believing in Santa Claus, remember; There are still people who believe the troops fight for freedom.

#other

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"I love you just the way you are", I soulfully sang to my wife.

Then I put the flowers on her grave.

#other

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After a mugging attempt a few years ago, I started carrying a knife.

My muggings are much more successful these days.

#other

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A shock study by Sport England has found that 2.7/4.3 disabled people do not take part in regular sporting activities.

#other

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One man's rubbish is another man's treasure, is an awesome phrase.

But it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted.

#other

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Rudolph Hess edited Mein Kampf for Adolf Hitler, making him the first grammar Nazi.

#other

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Why do police dogs lick their balls?

To get the taste of niggers out their mouths.

#sexandshit

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I have a polish friend who is a sound technician. Oh, and a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too

#wordplay

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Discover what it was like to live in medieval Britain by simply moving to Glasgow

#other

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Don’t get a woman, get a dog… They are loyal

and they die sooner

#other

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What’s the hardest part about a Muslim killing his own daughter?

Suppressing the erection.

#sexandshit

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It's times like these when I'm sat in bed with my computer on my knee when I really wish I'd bought a laptop.

#other

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I'm going through a long and messy divorce and have decided the only way to go is suicide.
Now all I have to do is talk the bitch into it.

#other

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A recent study showed the average American is nearly 4kg heavier than the average Brit.

Turns out an oversized ego doesn't weigh as much as teeth.

#insult

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New year's resolution - give up smoking and wanking.

It'll be tough because since I was 14, I've been a 40-a-day guy. I smoke a fair bit too.

#other

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Mummy, why did we do Christmas and presents in July this year?

Because it’s cheaper than chemotherapy.

#illness

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"Allahu Akbar" means different things to different people.

To Muslims it means "God is great."

To Westerners it means "run like fuck."

#racism

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