13643
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
#wordplay
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Three nuns die and arrive in heaven.
Three nuns arrive in heaven. Peter is standing at the gates, and he welcomes them into heaven, but tells them before they can enter they must answer a question.
Peter comes to the first nun and asks “what was the name of the first man on earth ?”
“Oh that’s an easy one!” the nun says. “Adam!” And the gates swung open.
Peter then goes to the second nun and asks “what was the name of the first woman on earth?”
“Oh that’s an easy one!” The nun says. “Eve!” And the gates swung open.
Peter then goes to the head nun, who being more senior is expected to be more knowledgeable. “What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?”
“Oh that’s a hard one” the nun says. And the gates swung open.
#wordplay
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My dad asked me, “Did you get an A in your Spanish exam?”
Me: C.
Dad: Well done. I knew you can do it!
#wordplay
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Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.
"Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?" The girl, crying, replied, "Dad... I became a prostitute." "Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"What was it ye said ye had become?", says Dad.
Girl, crying again, "A prostitute, Daddy!"
"Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!"
#oldbutgold
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A couple's young daughter went to college.
After 6 months she happily let them know she was engaged to a student who is studying to be a pastor, and is bringing him home for the holidays.
And after the introductions the father and the boy sat and the father asked: " How old are you?"
Fiance:"19"
Father: "And where are you going to live?"
Fiance: "God will provide."
Father: "And where are you going to get money?"
Fiance: "God will provide."
Later that night the mother asked the father: "What do you think of him?"
And the father: "He seems to be a nice guy, he thinks I am God."
#religion
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A guy goes with his girlfriend to stay at her parents’ house for the holidays.
The couple live in the city and the parents live on a farm. The boyfriend is unused to the quiet country life and after a couple of days he’s pretty bored. His girlfriend’s father comes in and says “Hey young fella if you’re looking for something to do, why not take the dogs out for a bit of hunting? There’s a shotgun behind the laundry door.” Guy comes back a couple of hours later, the father says “How was it?”
“That was amazing! Have you got any more dogs?”
#other
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A 90 year old man goes to the doctor for his annual checkup.
Fifteen minutes later, the doctor says,"Your health is good physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"
The old man replies,"Me and God are tight. We are in a real connection. He has even fixed my eyesight for me! Whenever I go to the bathroom to pee, the light turns on and when I exit, the light turns off!"
The doctor, astonished, calls his wife and says,"Madam, your husband's physical heath is good. I'm calling as I'm surprised with his connection to God! Is it true that When he goes to the toilet to urinate the light turns on and when he exits, the light turns off?"
The wife says,"Stupid Robert! He's been peeing in the fridge again!"
#illness
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I was walking down the street last summer on a hot day. Sweltering hot. As I was looking for a way to break the heat, I see an ice cream parlor just up the street. I walk towards the door and I see the flavor of the day written on a placard:
Today's Special Flavor: Pussy
I think, "ah, why not!", walk inside and order two scoops of the special flavor. I make it back to the street and take a big ol' kick. "Uh! No way. It can't be this bad!" I think to myself.
I take another lick, "Uhl!" I almost vomit.
I turn around a walk back into the ice cream parlor and tell the guy behind the counter, "yeah - Hi. I just bought today's special..."
"Yes, I remember," said the man.
"This tastes like ass!", I say.
"Oh, that's because you took too big of a lick."
#sexandshit
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Rick had been in police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation,someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00.....'
'Great',says Rick, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking.'
'Not a problem' says Rick. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Rick, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
#other
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What do you call a monster with high IQ?
FrankEinstein
#wordplay
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What is the difference between dad jokes and the Spanish language?
With the Spanish language, you roll your R's. With Dad jokes, you roll your eyes.
#wordplay
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A shark can swim faster than a human, but a human can run faster than a shark…
..So in a triathlon it comes down to who's the better cyclist
#other
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A man was travelling the countryside with his 8-year-old daughter. One particularly stormy night they were forced to take shelter in a local mansion owned by a lonely widow. The widow was happy to receive guests and was very hospitable for the two weary travellers.
The next morning the father said to his daughter:
"I have to take care of some business in the nearby town. Mrs. Sterling has kindly agreed to look after you while I'm gone. I will be back tomorrow morning. Promise to be good while I'm gone."
"Yes father, I promise", the little girl said, though deep down she was nervous to spend the night in the big house without her father.
Nighttime came and the widow took the little girl to her room upstairs. But not an hour had passed when the lady heard crying from the little girl's room.
"What is it, my sweet child? Did you have a nightmare?" The widow inquired softly.
"There is someone in this room. Behind the curtains. I'm scared", the girl whimpered pitifully.
The widow walked to the window and pulled the curtains aside.
"See? There is no one here. It was probably the draft moving the curtains as this is a very old house. Now be a good little girl and go back to sleep."
But only a short moment had passed when the widow once again heard cries from the little girl's room.
"My sweet child, what is it now?"
"There is someone here, I swear! I saw it in the corner. It's a ghost", the little girl whimpered in her bed.
"There is no one here but you and me, dear. It is probably just shadows from the old oak tree outside playing tricks with your eyes. Your father will be back with us first thing tomorrow morning. Now for the last time, be a good little girl and try to get some sleep."
An hour passed and the widow was woken up by a knock on her door. She saw the little girl standing outside in her nightgown weeping pitifully.
"For heaven's sake child! It's past midnight and you should be fast asleep! What is it now?" The widow asked, exasperated.
"I saw the ghost again, miss! It won't let me sleep. Can I come sleep next to you?"
"Now listen to me carefully, child. I have lived in this house for 367 years and not once have I seen a ghost! Now for the last time, go back to bed and try to get some sleep."
#oldbutgold
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"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student.
The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-David, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who filled out by Birth Certificate was an asshole."
#oldbitgold
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Little johnny is sitting on a bench, eating a massive bag of candy.
An old lady comes up to johnny "are you really going to eat all that?" The lady asks, shocked by the size of the bag. "My grandpa did exactly what I am doing now, every day, and he lived to be 104!"
"What, by eating all that candy?" The old lady asks.
"No, by minding his own fucking business" Johnny replies.
#roast
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There have been numerous accusations that the moon landing was fake.
When Neil Armstrong was interviewed about it, it’s claimed he said the following; The government found the trip to the moon was going to be both expensive and difficult. There was significant doubt that it could even be done. So, the CIA decided that because the US needed the propaganda advantage over the Russians they enlisted Hollywood to make a moon landing movie. After weeks of work and millions of dollars sunk into the venture the Hollywood producer and director came to the CIA and said, “we can’t do it here, it’ll have to be done on site.”
#other
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Why don't boxers have sex before the big fight?
They usually don't like each other.
#other
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My now ex-GF said: “I don’t want to go out. I feel so fat”
I said: “don’t worry, you look great. Are you ready to roll?”
#wordplay
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My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it's because I actually have a condition that's pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol.
#other
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This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said... FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
#wordplay
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My wife claims that I'm cheap
But I'm not buying it
#wordplay
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A mathematician comes home from a symposium to be met at the door by his furious wife.
"What's the big idea, coming home at three in the morning in this state?" she yells.
"Dear," says the moderately refreshed gentleman, "what time did I say I would be home?"
"Quarter of twelve, that's what you said!" screams the wife.
"...Well?" demands the mathematician.
#other
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Europe is like a fridge
You have the freezing cold part at the top.
Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection.
Then, down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease.
#other
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What happens when someone slaps you around with high frequency?
It Hertz at any frequency. But with high frequency it megahertz.
#wordplay
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Where do bad rainbows go?
They go to Prism.
They get a light sentence though, it's only so they can have time to reflect.
#wordplay
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My wife said, “You really have no sense of direction, do you?”
I said, “Where did that come from?”
#wordplay
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I once visited a small town. It was a country town. I asked the locals "What is there to do around here?" One of the old timers said "Well, we have a brothel."
So I went to the brothel and asked "how much does it cost?" They answered "Well, these are simple country girls, it costs a chicken for oral, a goat for sex, and a cow for anal."
I left and came back carrying a platypus and said "OK, listen..."
#sexandshit
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A little boy named johnny is going to visit his neighbour's baby who was born with no ears.
"Listen Johnny, you must not mention the baby's ears, or i'll spank you." Johnny's mom explains to him. They arrive at the neighbour's house, and Johnny asks the neighbour: "so how much does he weigh?"
"He weighs a lot for his age, he's very healthy." The neighbour is excited to have someone so interested in her baby.
"Has he spoke yet?" Johnny asks "he's already said mama, he shouldn't have said that for weeks." The neighbour getting even more excited.
"How's his eyesight?" Johnny asks next. "His eyesight is perfect." The neighbour states.
"Good, cause he's fucked if he needs glasses." Johnny replies.
#roast
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Every time there was a crime, no matter how terrible, he would hear the details from his officers and say "It could be worse."
One day, police were called to a beautiful house on a quiet street that belonged to a wealthy local businessman and his wife, the Dunwoodys. When they arrived, they found the front door open, and heard the sound of crying from the kitchen. The wife was sitting in a blood-drenched negligee at the kitchen table, crying hysterically. The husband was sitting calmly across from her, his hands covered in blood. He sipped a coffee. Bloody footprints led up the stairs to the master bedroom. A naked man was face-up on the bed with a knife protruding from his chest. His clothes were on the floor, and there was $1000 cash sitting on the nightstand.
The investigating officers immediately called for the chief to come to the scene.
"You know what he'll say," said one. "It could have been worse."
A while later the chief arrived along with the crime scene unit and a couple of detectives. The chief winced as he looked at the bloody scene in the bedroom, then walked away shaking his head.
"Well, it could have been worse," he said.
One of the cops, feeling brave, called out to him.
"Chief? I have to ask. How? I mean, a man is dead! His family is destroyed. Mr. Dunwoody found out his wife is a high-priced escort and committed murder, and now the Dunwoodys' kids' lives are ruined . . . how could it possibly have been worse?"
The chief looked at him for a moment.
"Well, for one thing, if this had been yesterday, the dead guy would have been me."
#other
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