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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A man in his final moments of life asks his wife of 50 years…
“Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?" Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.” "I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 17 more votes?"
#sexandshit@Sickipedia
A father and son are out in a field and the father says "Son everything you see before you will be yours when I die"
The son replies: but father I'm blind, I can't see anything? The father says: yes and I'm poor
#other@Sickipedia
My therapist just told me: From now on, please make an effort to forget all the people who have hurt you.
I replied: I will.
Then she told me: "Today's appointment is 500 dollars."
I asked her: "Do i know you?"
#other@Sickipedia
Superman calls to Lois Lane, "Lois come in here a second! I want you to see something."
Lois comes into the room and says, "What is it?"
Superman points across the room at their dog, whom he has dressed up with glasses and a tie.
Lois says, "... who the hell is that?"
#other@Sickipedia
My best friend admitted to using an escort service.
He's buy sexual.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
There's a key for everything, even a key to open bananas.
It's called monkey.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, 'How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?
He winked at me and said, 'I'm off duty in ten minutes — meet me in the car park.
#sexandshit@Sickipedia
My English teacher was incarcerated for 10 years for having sex with me in high school. So I decided to ask her to marry me when she got out. But it didn't work. Apparently,
You can't end a sentence with a proposition.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Twenty years ago to this day, Bill Gates found out the hard way, that unlike computers...
Women don't accept three and a half inch floppys.
#sexandshit@Sickipedia
Why don't eggs tell jokes?
Because they'd crack each other up
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My wife asked my to read Pride and Prejudice, but I said no.
I’m too good for it, and I feel like the book is going to bore me.
#other@Sickipedia
Why do programmers prefer dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs!
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My sex life is a lot like my photos.
Mostly selfies.
#sexandshit@Sickipedia
I broke up with my girlfriend because she’s left handed
It wasn’t right.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My neighbor called to complain that my dog was chasing people on a bike.
That's ridiculous, my dog doesn't even own a bike.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Why does Ariel wear sea-shells as a bra?
Because B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big!
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My granny was 80% Irish.
People called her Iris.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
someone asked me if i can name a country with no "r"
i said no way
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Doctor: The problem is that you sit too much during the day.
Me: I understand.
Doctor: That’s exactly right.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I politely complimented my wife on a quilt that she recently made. I thought she'd be happy, but instead, she gave me a long explanation of why it's a blanket, not a quilt.
If you ask me, she's being a little knit picky.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I spent my entire life savings on pasta
It was worth every penne.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I got a call from school telling me that my son connected a battery to the classroom doorknob.
When the teacher found out, he was shocked. When he got home, I told him he is grounded. He was regretful and did not resist. He is punished until he learns how to conduct himself.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
You won't get a medal for laying in bed every day.
But you might get a-trophy!
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Our friend confessed to us that a few years ago, he had a third nipple surgically removed.
I’m glad…he got that off his chest.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I accidentally changed the car GPS Voice to “Male."
Now it says, “It's around here somewhere. Keep driving."
#other@Sickipedia
Why do IT people have trouble telling Christmas from Halloween?
Because Dec 25 = Oct 31.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
The woman says to her husband: "If i had known you were so poor, i wouldn't have married you."
Husband: "But i told you that you were the most valuable thing in my life."
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
I told my wife she must have extra electrons
Because she’s negative and unstable.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I once met a girl with 12 breasts.
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I had a big fight with my wife,
I yelled at her, "When you finally die, I'm getting you a headstone that says, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah well," she shouted back, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that says, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."
#roast@Sickipedia