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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
I find it very hard buying presents for the wife at Christmas.
Because I fucking hate her.
#other
I hate it when people say 'You don't need alcohol to have fun.'
You don't need shoes to run, but it fucking helps.
#other
Christmas?
The celebration of one seriously fucked-up family.
A man was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.
#christmas
I work all year 6 days a week so the kids can have a brilliant Christmas, all the presents they want, and who gets all the credit? That fat cunt with the beard!
My fault for marrying her I suppose
#other
I found a mass grave today, full of dead snowmen.
"Dave," shouted my wife, "Come away from the pond.
#other
I got into an argument with a bloke down the pub, and I thought "hang on, be a good person. What would Jesus do?" So I stopped existing.
#religion
My dad always used to say, "If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?"
After being on Sickipedia I see the obvious answer is pakis blacks, spastics, and the dead.
#other
As much of a thrill-seeker as I am, I would never bungee jump.
I came into this world because of a broken rubber and I’m not going out because of one
#other
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "£100 and it's yours
#other
What's better than ignoring emo's suicidal facebook comments?
Liking them
#other
Did you know... if you counted up all the pies bought at sports events every weekend in the UK, the chances are you're autistic.
#illness
"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.
" Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."
#racism
I showed some hard cunt at the pub what I was made of.
Fragile bones and lots of blood.
#other
I showed my class of children at my school in Norwich a Dynamo DVD and they were amazed at the magical powers on display.
But then I explained how televisions work and they relaxed.
#technology
Donald Trump: a man so obnoxious that karma may see him reincarnated as himself
#celebrities
Just walked past a sign that read, "This fire door is alarmed".
So I give it a little rub and told it everything is going to be ok.
#wordplay
My friend has just discovered that he’s both dyslexic and gay
He’s still in Daniel!
#wordplay
I managed to get blood from a stone yesterday. Took some scrubbing, but at least the evidence is gone.
#crime
"Ironman" is a superhero
"Iron, woman" is a simple instruction
#oldbutgold
Two priests are driving down the road when they are stopped by two police officers.
"We're looking for two child molesters," the officers tell them.
The priests look at each other before they speak. "We'll do it."
#sexandshit
I miss my best mate... He used to say funny things like, "Fuck wearing a helmet!"
#other
What do you get if you hold a twenty pound note between your chin and your chest?
A good impression of Stephen Hawking at a strip club.
#celebrities
I was mortified when the bloke cleaning my windows looked in through the open window and saw me naked from the waist down, watching porn and masturbating.
Thankfully, after about ten seconds of shocked silence, the light turned green.
#sexandshit
Women are like snowflakes - beautiful, unique, and fucking deadly on the road.
#other
Darts, the only sport where the players have bigger tits than the promo girls
#sports
Everyone at work calls the boss Samsung.
Because he's a phoney cunt.
#wordplay
A survey was done in the Middle East to see which cities still watch The Flintstones.
Baghdad don’t but Abu Dhabi do.
#wordplay
When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.
#other
If you watch Rambo backwards its about a soldier who brings people back to life with his magical vacuum gun
#other
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people's BMI is made up of excuses
#other