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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Doctor : "After the operation, you will be able to meet your family members tomorrow!"
Patient: "But I am all alone Doctor!! All the family members have passed away!!"
Doctor : "I know"
#illness
@Sickipedia
A poor farmer has two sons; a smart one and a dumb one.
One day he goes to his smart son and he tell him “Bring this duck to the market and sell it for 5 dollars. If you sell for any extra go ahead and take that to the whorehouse on your way back home.”
So the son goes to the market with the duck, manages to sell it for 7 dollars and promptly goes to the whorehouse and spends the extra 2 dollars he had earned and gets home by the end of the day.
About a month later the farmer needs a few extra bucks so he decides to use the same plan with his sons. For some reason this time he can’t find his smart son so he goes to the dumb son and says again “take this duck to the market and sell it for 5 dollars. Any extra you earn you can go spend at the whorehouse on the way home.”
The dumb son leaves carrying the duck but after getting a couple miles out he gets horny and forgets what he was sent to do so he turns the truck straight to the whorehouse. Upon arrival the lady running the place asks him how he expects to pay and he says “well I got this duck.” The lady thinks it over and decides there’s no harm in getting paid a duck for a couple minutes. So she takes him into the next room and they have wild amazing sex. After they finish she says to him “Wow that was fantastic. Can we please do this again? I’ll even let you keep the duck.” And he happily agrees.
Now tired he goes to drive back home. On the drive the duck gets spooked and flies out the window, directly into the path of a semi. The semi driver immediately pulls over and so does the son. The driver says “Oh my god I’m so sorry I killed your duck, it all happened in a flash. Please take 15 dollars for your troubles.” And the son happily agrees and goes on his way.
Once he arrives home his father asks him how much money he got. The son proudly empties his pocket and shows his father the 15 big ones. The farmer is stunned and asks him exactly what happened that day. The son says “Well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 15 bucks for a fucked up duck!”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What's grey and hurts when it goes in your eye?
A chainsaw
#other
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A king sits on his throne. Suddenly, one of his knights enters.
The knight looks so tired he can barely stand. His armour is heavily battered and covered with dust, his sword is notched, his helmet is cracked...
King: Dear God, John! What happened to you?
Knight: Oh, I've been hard at work lately, Your Majesty. A heavy blow I dealt against your enemies to the north.
King: What? John, but I have no enemies to the north!
Knight: Really? (thinks for a moment) Oh well, you do now.
#other
@Sickipedia
Girls reading Cinderella only get to the part where it says "Cinderella married the Prince" and stop. They don't read what it says next.
It says "End of fairytale".
#other
@Sickipedia
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
#other
@Sickipedia
Three engineers are arguing what type of engineer God is.
The first says, "God is a mechanical engineer. Look at how we manipulate our arms, legs, lungs, and how blood flows through our bodies. God is a mechanical engineer."
The second says, "No. God is an electrical engineer. Our nervous system, heart, brain. Everything is run by electrical impulses. God is an electrical engineer."
The third says, "Your both wrong. God is a civil engineer. Who else would route the sewage system through the recreation area?"
#sexandshit
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An engineer, a mathematician and an economist go on a work interview.
First up is the engineer. The employer asks him what is 2+2 is?
The engineer a little confused answer 4 of course.
The employer thanks him and calls in the mathematician.
Again, he asks what 2+2 is?
The mathematician states that with high certainty it’s around 4.
The employer thanks him and calls in the economist.
Again, he asks what 2+2 is?
The economist looks around, stands up and closes the curtains before he bends down and whispers: What do you want it to be?
#other
@Sickipedia
Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie. Delighted, the genie says, "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately shouts out, "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,003.50.
The second man thinks for a bit, then says, "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over $100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says, "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says, "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says, "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says, "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says, "I never want to become sick or injured. I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone, and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says, "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says, "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive, and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says, "Guys, I think I fucked up."
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
What’s the difference between me and a calendar?
A calendar has dates
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance. Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.”
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 3.5 kg and 50 cm long!”
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Dyslexia is just “daily sex” spelt backwards
#other
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A lottery ticket is a weird gift to give someone
it’s like “Here. This has a 99% chance of being disappointing. I saw it and thought of you”
#other
@Sickipedia
I was on a cruise recently.
One morning, the ship was passing very close to a small island. As I was admiring the serenity of this far off place, a ruckus occurred.
On the island, a man came running out from the thickness of the brush. His hair was down to his waist and his beard almost the same. His clothes were tattered straps, barely covering his beet red skin. He was frantically waving his arms around as he jumped up and down. And he seemed to be yelling something.
The captain of the ship happened to be on a morning stroll around the deck, so I grabbed his attention and brought him to my spot on the rail.
"Captain, there, on that island. There's a man over there. What do you think he's yelling?" I asked.
"Oh, don't mind him", the captain replied. "He does this every 3 months when we pass by".
#other
@Sickipedia
Five Jewish Women Go Out for Dinner
After their meals arrive, the waiter comes over and asks, "Ladies, is anything alright?"
#other
@Sickipedia
Chuck Norris visited the Virgin Islands while on vacation. They are now only known as the Islands.
#olfbutgold
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A 95 year old man and his 94 year old wife see a lawyer about a divorce.
The lawyer asks them when they got married.
"I was 19" says the man.
"That means you've been married for 75 years at least" the lawyer points out
"Yes. And all of it misery" says the woman.
"Really? When did you start to regret the marriage?"
"Almost immediately, " says the man. "I hated her after about two years, and every year it gets worse. Everything about her is obnoxious and irritating."
"Oh lord, " says the woman, "I lasted three years but after that tolerating him in any way has been a huge problem. He has awful habits and treats me like trash."
The lawyer thinks for a moment.
"Well I can help you to get divorced, but why did you wait so long to apply for one if you've hated each other the whole time?"
She says: "We were waiting for the children to die"
#other
@Sickipedia
I saw my dwarf neighbor standing at the bus stop this morning so I stopped..
I said, "Jump in! I'll give you a lift!"
"Fuck off!" he said.
I thought to myself, "What an ungrateful shit" So I zipped up my backpack and kept walking home.
#other
@Sickipedia
A man enters a pharmacy and orders a box of Viagra.
The pharmacist asks for about 10€ and gives him the meds. He opens the box, takes one, and pulls out a 500€ note to pay. The pharmacist doesn't have enough change to give him, so he offers to go to the bakery next door to get some bread and try to get the money changed and swiftly comeback.
In the bakery, he asks for a pastry, eats it and attempts to pay a few euros with the 500€ bill. The baker also doesn't have enough change to cover the bill, so the man kindly offers, yet again, to go to butcher's across to buy some meat and comeback.
In the butchery, he buys a couple steaks, gets a bag to take them home and, once again, pays with the 500€ bill. Once again, there isn't enough cash to make change. This time the man says he's going to exchange it at the pharmacy, only to not return to any of the shops.
Later that night at the local bar, the pharmacist, the baker and the butcher all meet for beers and end up sharing their stories. Seeing how they intertwined, the butcher comments:
"God damn, Viagra really must work!"
The pharmacist and the baker don't understand.
The butcher explains:
"That bastard only took one, and it was enough to fuck us three!"
#other
@Sickipedia
My friend said that sex is better than drugs because with sex there isn't a comedown.
"Yes there is," I replied. "We call them 'children'."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Three engineers were riding in a car, went down a hill, and crashed.
The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the brakes. Let me check 'em out." The electrical engineer said, "I think it was something in the electrical system. Let me check it out." The software engineer said, "Let's push it back up the hill and run it again."
#other
@Sickipedia
Husband and wife.
Her: Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?
Him: "No" said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:
"Go look in the garage."
#other
@Sickipedia
The CIA was recruiting new agents.
As a test of commitment they brought a man to a door and gave him a gun. He was told his wife was in the next room and his first test was to go in and shoot his wife. The man was shocked and said he would never shoot his wife for anyone.He was sent home.
A second man was brought to the same room and told the same thing as the first. He was very sad because he always wanted to be a CIA agent but there was no way he could shoot his wife.He too was sent home.
The third person brought to the room was a housewife. She was told that her husband was in the next room. She was given the gun and told to go in and shoot her husband.
She took the gun and went in. Very quickly there was a lot of commotion in the room, a man began screaming and very quickly the housewife came out of the room covered in blood.
"What happened" they asked her.
"There were no bullets in the gun so I had to beat him to death with a chair" she said
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. "Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Guess how old I'm going to be next month. "I don't know," I said as I slipped on my glasses. "How old?" She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest.
For I have synonymed.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What's worse that dementia?
What's worse than dementia?
#illness
@Sickipedia
What is unhealthy, bad for your teeth, has billions of calories and isn’t good to have sex with?
Uranium
#other
@Sickipedia
I can't take my dog to the park anymore. The ducks attack him.
That's what I get for having a pure bread dog.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
During the USSR regime a communist governor is visiting one of the small towns in his district
The mayor of the town is excited to show the governor how dedicated his people are to the communist party, so as they are walking through the town bazaar, he pulls one of the farmers aside
to ask him a couple of questions.
He asked "Comrade, if you had two apartments, wouldn't you be happy to donate one to the communist party?" and the guy replied "Off course comrade mayor, I would be happy contribute to the motherland". The mayor went on "And if you had two automobiles, wouldn't you be happy to donate one of them to the communist party?" and the guy said "Off course, it would be an honor".
The governor is very impressed, but the mayor decided to keep going "And comrade, if you had two cows, wouldn't you also happily donate one back to the people?". At this the farmer hesitated and with a dismayed look said "No, that I would not donate". Puzzled, the mayor asks him "But if you would donate an apartment and a car, why wouldn't you donate a cow?" The farmer looks back at him and says "Well, I actually have two cows..."
#politics
@Sickipedia
Chuck Norris killed 50 enemy combatants with a hand grenade.
Then the grenade exploded.
#oldbutgold
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