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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
My friend was shocked when I told him I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means.
I said “Relax. It’s not the end of the world.”
#wordplay
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A guy chats with his milkman during the weekly daily delivery.
"You should've seen yesterday's party, it was great. There was me, my wife and many couples in the neighborhood. By the end we were completely hammered."
"Oh yeah? How did it go?" The milkman inquires.
"Well, we got so drunk that we got the idea for a little game. The men went into another room and stripped naked. Then one after the other, we'd walk out of the room with our body entirely covered by a bedsheet with a hole in it, and just our dick through the hole. Then, the women had to guess who was under the sheet."
"That does sound like a great party, I wish I'd been there!" The milkman replies.
"You might as well have been, 'cause your name came out a couple times."
#oldbutgold
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A young soldier was sent to the personnel office and assigned the task of registering recruits for life insurance.
Long
Because of the cost, most soldiers didn't buy the life insurance, but after only 1 month on the job he had sold a record number of policies.
His captain noticed but thought it was a fluke. However, the following month, he doubled sales. A month later, when he set the army record for policies sold, the captain got a call from the general. He was so impressed he decided he wanted to meet the young soldier and learn the secret of his sales success.
The general and the captain went to the personnel office and asked the soldier his secret.
"I don't know, I just sell them the insurance," he shrugged.
"Well, let's see you in action," the general said.
They called in a recruit and sat in as the young soldier went through his pitch.
"Now, there's a great life insurance plan," he began.
"Uh, I don't think so," the recruit said. "It costs a lot."
"I know, but if you buy the insurance and get killed in battle, the army has to pay your survivors $200,000," he said. "But, if you don't have insurance, they pay your survivors $6,000."
"Yeah? So?" the recruit said.
"So," he said, nodding at the general. "Who do you think this asshole is going to send into battle first?"
#other
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A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.
"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"
The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.
"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.
Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.
A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"
The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.
Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.
He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."
She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she chuckles, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"
He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I was hoping...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty...cheesy...pig-cup line."
#wordplay
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My gender studies teacher asked me how I viewed lesbian relationships...
Apparently "in 4K" was the wrong answer.
#wordplay
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Convincing your girlfriend that she's crazy is called gaslighting and it's a dick move.
Convincing her that she's a robot with artificial intelligence and implanted memories is called bladerunning and it's a Philip K. Dick move.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over.
The cop says to the man:
- Do you know that you were speeding, sir?
- No officer, I didn't know I was speeding...
The wife then says:
- Come on, Henry, you knew you were speeding, I've been telling you to slow down for miles.
The man shoots a dark look at his wife, then the cop says:
- Well, since I've got you pulled over did, do you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?
- No sir, I did not know that...
The wife says:
- Oh please, Henry! I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!
The husband grinds his teeth but keep silent. The cop then adds:
- And I noticed that you left rear lights weren't working either.
- Oh yes, I was on my way to get them changed, actually.
The wife says:
- Nonsense, we were going home. You keep saying it doesn't need to be changed, that the other drivers can see you well enough.
The man explodes with anger:
- WILL YOU SHUT YOUR GODDAMN PIEHOLE, YOU BITCH?
The cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her:
- Does he always talk to you this way?
- Oh no, officer, only when he's been drinking.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
There was this gas station trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon Bubba pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Bubba guessed 8 and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".
Some time thereafter, Bubba, along with his buddy Cletus, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. Bubba guessed 2 this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, Bubba said to Cletus, "I think this is a scam.... that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". Cletus replied, "No, it's not rigged — my wife went there twice last week and won both times."
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
3 priests are out fishing on a boat..
One of them says "We should confess our sins to one another."
The first one says "I have a gambling problem, I sneak out at night and gamble away all my money..
The second one says "I have an addiction to porn and can't stop looking at it."
The third one says "I am a gossip and can't wait to get off this boat."
#other
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A guy was in a job interview
"Describe yourself using three words"
"Lazy"
#other
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A Jew and a Christian crash into eachother's cars. The Jew says, "It's a Jewish tradition to have a drink after an accident." The Christian takes the drink, but the Jew declines, saying, "I'm just waiting for after the police arrive.
#other
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Why was Fibonacci afraid of 5?
Because 5, 8, 13.
#wordplay
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I am so broke…
That people break into my house and leave me food.
#other
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I have a lot of fat friends.
Well, just two but it seems like a lot more
#roast
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A Frenchman, an Italian and a Russian all end up in hell. The Frenchman begs to make one last call home to see how his family is coping. The devil says fine, it’ll cost you an extra thousand years in the flames. The Frenchman agrees, and tearfully listens to his wife doing his brother.
The Italian begs to call home to see how his daughters are doing. That’ll be an extra thousand years in the flaming pit, says the devil. So be it, says the Italian, and weeps as he listens to his children selling the farm.
Now I want to call home, says the Russian, and grabs the receiver. He hears his neighbours robbing his house. How much is that, he asks the devil, who replies that it costs nothing. How dare you, shouts the Russian, you took a thousand agonising years off the frog and the eyetie, what’s wrong? Is my pain not good enough for you?
No, no, says the devil, local calls are free.
#russians
@Sickipedia
Little Johnny's mother was upset about her son's swearing habit, so she takes him to the church.
There, the priest is waiting. After finishing her own confessions, Little Johnny's mother talks about her situation.
"I don't know what to do with my son anymore, Father," she says. "He started a while ago to say swear words, and now he is saying one in every sentence."
"Why, I have just the perfect solution," the priest smiles. "How is he financially? I mean, does your son have a piggy bank or something?"
"He keeps his savings, once in a while he gets one coin or two," the mother replies.
"Very well!" The priest exclaimed. "Make him donate ten cents for the church for each time you catch him or know from someone that he said a swear word. Come back at the end of the month with him to give to the poor box everything he owes. Maybe financial pressure will control him."
"Great, Father!" The mother grinned. "I'll start today."
[id4526022|*At] the end of the month...*
The mother comes back to the church. She seems unamused. The priest noticed her bad mood and asked:
"So, tell me, how it went?"
"Yeah, Father, he is quite a chatterbox, he owes $9,90," the mother revealed, then turning to her son. "Little Johnny, come here! Give the money to the priest."
Little Johnny comes, quite ashamed, and hands the priest a $10 bill.
"Ten dollars?" The priest said. "I'm afraid I don't have ten cents to do change."
"Oh, Father, don't worry," Little Johnny smiled. "Just go fuck yourself and we're even."
#other
@Sickipedia
Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete.
They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
What do you call a fat nazi?
A wide supremacist
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Where do BAD rainbows go?
To Prism......It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to refract.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A teenager goes to confession.
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned," he says. "I have been masturbating."
"Ah, my son, this is not uncommon. But you must save that for marriage. Your penance is to say a decade of the rosary," says the priest.
Many years later, the teenager, now a grown man, goes back to confession with the same priest.
"Father, I am not here for confession, but for advice," he says. "Many years ago, I confessed to you that I masturbated and you told me to save it for marriage."
"Yes, my son," says the priest. "What is the problem?"
"Well, Father, I'm about to get married and I have a 50 gallon drum of the stuff. What am I supposed to do with it?"
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A small man goes to prison and gets sent to his cell.
When he meets his new cellmate, he finds out it's this enormous Michael Clark Duncan looking black guy. The cellmate tells him "Hey boy, you and me? We're married now!!! So do you want to be the husband, or you want to be the wife?" The little man replies back "Oh god..... I really don't want to do this, but if I have to.... I guess I'd rather be the husband." The enormous cellmate replies back "Okay, honey, that sounds good to me. Now get over here, and suck your wife's dick!!!"
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Abdul was going through bit of a rough patch in his marriage.
So after work, he decided to pay his Imam a visit.
He said "I have been going through some problems with my wife, she seems like she is always angry at me, what do I do?"
The Imam replied "You should spend more time with your wife, appreciate her role in your life, maybe praise her cooking once in a while."
Satisfied with the advice, Abdul goes back home and his wife has set the dinner table. As he's having dinner he says "Darling, the food is very good today."
To his surprise, his wife is upset with that and she says "21 years we've been married to each other and you've never appreciated my cooking, the one day I get food from the neighbours, you like it?"
#other
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A Turk, a Frenchman and an Englishman were traveling by train.
When it got hot in their room in the train, the Frenchman opened the window and a fly flew in.
To show his skill, the Frenchman drew his sword and hit the fly with one blow and it split in two. While the others looked on in amazement, the Frenchman took his business card out of his pocket and handed it to the Englishman and Turk. And it said "The best swordsman in France".
Seeing this, the Englishman immediately opened the window and another fly flew in. He drew his bow and threw an arrow, the fly got stuck to the wall, he took out his business card from his pocket and it said "The best archer in England".
Then the Turk opened the window, another fly came in, Turk took his knife out of his pocket and threw it at the fly. The fly fell to the ground and after a few minutes and flew back.
Seeing this, the Englishman and the Frenchman burst out laughing and the Turk took his business card out of his pocket and gave it to the Englishman and the Frenchman.
"Fastest circumciser in Turkey"
#other
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A redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having their babies. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said "congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, 5 big baby boys."
The redneck said "I am not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney." The nurse replied, "you might want to get it cleaned because they are all black."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Did you hear about the Russian plane that had to land in the middle of a corn crop?
Don’t worry, that pilot is the best in the field.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
2 boys were talking and one said to the other, "There is an easy way to earn money..The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret."The boy jumps up to his dad, "I know your secret!" dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10."The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!"mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15."The boy then tries it on the mail man, "I know your secret!" The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"
#other
@Sickipedia
4 Friends meet 30 years after school.
One goes to the toilet while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.
No. 1 says his son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a ferrari.
No. 2 said his son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet.
No. 3 said his son became an engineer, started his own development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle.
No 4. came back from toilet and asks what the buzz is about.
They told him they were talking about how successfull their sons became and ask him about his son.
He said his son is gay and is a Stripper at a Gay bar.
Other 3 said he must be very disappointed with his son for not becoming successful.
" O no !! " said the father, he is doing good.
" Last week was his birthday and he got a ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends..."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A 90 year-old mother is on her deathbed. Summoning her last bit of strength, she lifts her head and whispers: "Is my beloved husband John here with me?" And John says, "Yes, I am here."
She then says: "Are my children — my wonderful children — are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes Mother, we are here with you to see you breathe your last."
And she says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell her that they are there.
So the mother lays back quietly, closes her eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
At a religious school, a teacher asks her pre-school class which part of their body they think goes to Heaven first.
“I think it’s your hands!” a boy answers.
“Why is that?” the teacher asks.
“Because when you pray, you put your hands in front of you,” the boy explains.
“Very good answer!” the teacher compliments. “Does anyone else have another answer?”
“I think it’s your legs!” a girl replies.
“Why is that?” the teacher asks.
“Because,” the girl explains, “last night, when I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s room, Mommy had her legs high up in the air and was screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming! I’m coming!’ If Daddy wasn’t lying on top of her holding her down, God might’ve taken her.”
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Three mice are drinking at a bar talking about which one is the toughest. The first mouse takes a shot and says "I'm so tough the people living in my house put rat poison out, and I simply grab it, break it up, and put it in my morning coffee!"
The second mouse takes a shot and says "That's nothing. They try to get me with a mouse trap. I just grab the cheese and when the lever comes flying down I lay on my back catch it and bench press it 20 times."
The third one takes his shot, slams it down, and stands up. "I don't have time for this. I've got to go home and fuck the cat."
#sexandshit
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