13643
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
....with a silent 'cr'.
#roast
@Sickipedia
My wife said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 2 35 pm.
#other
@Sickipedia
I yelled "Cow!" at a woman on a bike. She gave me the finger. Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.
#other
@Sickipedia
What's the best way to insult a guy who forgot to zip up his fly?
"Don't worry - it's no big thing!"
#roast
@Sickipedia
Anyone can masturbate under the sheet
But it takes skill to do it without the barber noticing.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
How does an alchemist make his wife happy?
Elixer
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What is worse than finding a hair in your soup
Finding C4
#other
@Sickipedia
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down!,” the tree complains, “I’m a talking tree!”
The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A man goes to his friend's house and knocks on the door.
The wife responds and only had a towel on her.
The man looks at her and says: is your husband here?
She said: yes, he's taking a bath.
The man: I'll give you $100 if you drop the towel.
Wife: you are crazy, I would never do that.
The man: I'll give you $250 if you drop it.
Wife: I told you no. what do you want?
The man: okay, $500!
Wife thinks and says: okay but fast.
She drops the towel, and the man gives her the $500 and tells her. Thank you, tell your husband I'll be back later.
The wife walks in, and the husband asks who it was.
Wife: It was John looking for you, but he says he's coming later.
Husband: oh! did he give you the $500 that he owes me.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A man walks into a bar and sees another man at the bar with a dog next to him.
He says to him, "Hey there, does your dog bite?" and the man says "No mate, my dog's the friendliest creature in the world, you can do anything with him."
So he goes to pat the dog and it absolutely goes for him and by the time three other men in the bar manage to get it off him he's bleeding in half a dozen places and his clothes are torn to shreds. He says to the man at the bar "I thought you said your dog didn't bite?!"
"...That's not my dog," he answers.
#other
@Sickipedia
A nun and a priest decide to take a day off, so they go golfing. The nun gets a hole-in-one, but the priest hits it into a sand trap. He's so angry, he shouts "God dammit, I missed!".
The nun reminds him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and the priest apologizes and tries again. He hits it into the rough, and in his anger, shouts "God dammit, I MISSED!". The nun once again tells him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and he apologizes again. On his third shot, he hits it into the water and yells "GOD DAMMIT I MISSED!" and before the nun can say anything, a bolt of lightning strikes the nun, killing her instantly. Out of nowhere, a loud voice booms "dammit, I missed".
#religion
@Sickipedia
A guy is lying on his death bed and he smells his wife cooking some delicious brisket. He turns to his son and says "please bring me some of that delicious food so that I can taste it one last time", his son goes to the kitchen but then returns to his dad empty handed "Mum said it's for the funeral".
#other
@Sickipedia
My gf slept with another man for 1 million dollars, I was so mad and went to his house.
We're both millionaires now
#other
@Sickipedia
Yo mama's so dumb, she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind
#roast
@Sickipedia
Recently, I asked a woman what she'd like to see in a man and she said "honesty". She asked me what I'd like to see in a woman and I said...
My penis
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
9/11.
9/11 who?
You said you’d never forget!
#other
@Sickipedia
A man met this lady at a bar and they decided to go to her place to have sex after the bar closed...
They're in the bedroom and he takes off his shoes and socks."My goodness what happened to you're feet?"She asks.
"I had tolio," He replied. "Dont you mean polio?" She asks."No. This just affected my feet. It's called toelio."She thought nothing of it and continued to undress. He takes off his pants and immediately she screams,"What happened to your knees?"I had kneesles."he said."Don't you mean measles,"she asked."No.This type only effects the knees.Its called kneesles. When he took off his shorts she said,"Let me guess, Smallcox."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A man had a 25" long penis and it created difficulties in his life as it was not easy to move around with it and women were afraid of him too. He also had a very high pitched voice.
He went to see a doctor. "What can I do about my enormous penis?" he asked in a high pitched voice.
The doctor examined him carefully. "Your penis is so large that you can't get any blood to your vocal chords. But we can do a penis transplant, to give you a normal sized penis, and that will fix your voice."
The man thought about it. "Okay," he said in his high pitched voice.
He woke up after the operation and he felt great. His new penis was a normal size. He could walk, he could run, and best of all, his voice was completely normal!
But after a few weeks he realized having a 25-inch penis was pretty cool. Finally he went back to the doctor. "I've thought about it and I would like to undo the operation."
"That's impossible," the doctor said in a high pitched voice.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
You should not type 'U' instead of "You" when you post
Do you younderstand me?
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A woman dies and goes to the afterlife. They tell her:
- You were a righteous woman in your life. You may go to Heaven, here is the queue.
She joins the queue, starts waiting... suddenly, she hears a horrible scream.
- What was that? - she asks a nearby angel.
- Well, a new soul is being converted into an angel, so they drill holes in their back for wings.
She pales. Suddenly, she hears an even MORE horrible scream.
- And that was?..
- Now, that's holes being drilled in the soul's head, for the halo.
- No, I don't want that. No such Heaven. Send me to Hell now!
- Do you even know what you're asking for? - the angel looks at her incredulously. - As soon as you get there, demons will pounce upon you. Do you know what kind of sodomy they'll do to you?
The woman thinks for a moment:
- Whatever. Send me there. At least for that, I've already got the holes.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A child asked her mom "how did I come to this world?"
The mom, misty eyed answered, “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. Soon afterwards, when it was ready... we dried it, smoked it and then got so high that we had sex without a condom".
#other
@Sickipedia
What's long, hard, has the letters D, C, K, I, and has cum in it?
Dick
#antijoke
@Sickipedia
I tried jabbing a hole in my condom to get my girlfriend pregnant…
Now I just need to figure out how to get my dick to stop bleeding
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
On their wedding night, the groom asks his new bride, "Honey, am I your first?"
She replied, "Why does everyone ask me that??"
#other
@Sickipedia
An old man goes to the drugstore and ask the pharmacist, "Do they make any pills that can help a man be more confident in having sex with his wife?"
The pharmacist replies, "Certainly, that sort of thing is actually more common that you may know. I take Viagra pills myself and it works quite well."
The old man asks, "Can you get it over the counter?"
The pharmacist thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, probably if I took 2 or 3 of them at once."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don't like fast food.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What has 5 letters and tastes like blood?
Brick
#other
@Sickipedia
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident", I just lost it.
"CASE DISMISSED!"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Yo mama so fat, when she walked past the TV, I missed three episodes.
#roast
@Sickipedia
I got my kid a puppy as a present,but it died before Christmas
Now I’m fucking stuck taking care of a puppy
#other
@Sickipedia