13643
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Women say they like a man who is "funny" and "spontaneous"
But you knock on their bedroom window at midnight wearing a clown costume and suddenly it's all screaming and throwing things and police sirens.
#other
@Sickipedia
A man is sitting on a flight from NYC to London
He feels a little cold, so he asks the cabin attendant for a blanket. The cabin crew completely ignores him. On the seat next to him is no other than a parrot. The parrot screams "get me a scotch on the rocks you stupid cunt". Not a moment passes and the parrot gets a nice glass of whiskey. The man asks for a blanket again only to be ignored. "Hey, old cow" yells the parrot "where's my snacks?" Peanuts, cashews and salted almonds find themselves immediately on the parrot's tray. The man gives up "I'm freezing you stupid bitch. What the hell do I need to do to get a fuckin' blanket on this shit of a flight?!" The flight attendant says something into a comm system and a big man comes, opens the door at 37,000ft and throws both the man and the parrot out of the plane. On the way down, the parrot takes a good look at the man and says: "you know something? You're pretty brave for someone with no wings"
#other
@Sickipedia
A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.
He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes. So he calls emergency services and says
"I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?"
"Well," the operator said, "Are they moving?"
"I don't know," he said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
At the gates of Heaven, St. Peter says, “aight y’all. We’re under-staffed…
and frankly I’m just trying to get fired at this point. We can’t just let any goody-two-shoes into Heaven anymore and I just don’t give a fuck so you’re only allowed in if you’ve had a particularly brutal death. Because I’m St motherfucking Peter and I said so.”
This fat guy walks up. “I think I should be a shoe-in. I’d suspected my wife for quite some time. I just knew she was cheating. So I came home early from work to see if I could catch her and she was acting weird when I walked in - ‘oh honey! I didn’t expect you home early! I was just going to order food! Do you want anything! I just love your tie! What are you doing? Can I help you find something? Honey, just relax! What are you looking for! Honey please! No stop! You just relax and tell me what you’re looking for! Honey!’ Then I heard a noise outside and found the asshole. He was hanging off our third story balcony so I started whacking him with my briefcase. But the fucker was tenacious. He just wouldn’t let go! I ran into the house and I was so furious that I yanked the refrigerator out of the wall, and shoved the entire thing over the edge of the balcony and killed the bastard hahaha! But from all the stress I guess I had a heart attack and now I’m here…”
St Peter says, “bruh that’s metal. Get on in.”
Another guy walks ups: “I really don’t understand. I was just trimming some plants on my 4th story balcony and I lost balance. I caught the railing of the balcony below mine and this fat guy comes up and starts hitting me! I don’t know what his problem was but he shoved an entire refrigerator over the edge and crushed me!”
St Peter: Oh shit haha! Yeah you’re in!
Another guy walks up: “this is kind of a long story, but I was hiding naked inside a refrigerator…”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Russian are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says "They look so calm, they must be British."
The Frenchmen responds "No no! They're naked, so beautiful, they must be French!"
The Russian says "They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat and they are being told this is paradise? They're clearly Russian."
#russians
@Sickipedia
I need to stop making suicide jokes
This is my last one
#other
@Sickipedia
Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it."
The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing..."Psst...come here. I need to talk to you." "What?" "It's about your wife." "Yeah, what about her?" "And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee." "What!" "Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on. "Holy shit...that can't be possible." "It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy." "Well," the man asks,"what happened next?" "I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A woman asked her husband why he was coming up with so many silly dad jokes recently.
He admitted to her that, since they had kids, their sex life had grown a bit stale.
Laughing, she grabbed a peach from the kitchen counter and pulled him toward her.
Slowly, seductively, she ate it while staring into his eyes, sucking the last of the pulp from the pit.
Then, while he stared on in disbelief, she used the pit to masturbate to completion, moaning all the while as she longingly stared at him.
When she finished, she gently beckoned him with her finger. He stood over her, slack-jawed, as she leaned back on the counter.
"So, what do you think about that, Mr. Dad Jokes?" she said with a smirk.
He grinned. "That...was mother fucking hard core."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A guy walks into a bar in Mexico, and sees a sign that says "If you can make this donkey laugh we will give you $100"...
So the guy goes to the donkey and whispers something in his ear and the donkey starts laughing uncontrollably. Then the guy walks straight to the bartender and collects the $100.
A week later the guy goes back to the bar and now the sign says "If you can make this donkey stop laughing we will give you $100." The bartender told the guy that the donkey hasn't stopped laughing since the last time he was in the bar.
So the guy walks back to the donkey and in moments the donkey stops laughing!
The guys goes back to the bartender and collects another $100. The bartender was in complete disbelief and asked the guy "how did you do it?"
The guy replied, "Well the first time I told him my dick was bigger than his."
"And this time?"
"I showed him."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
I took a girl back to my apartment and she said, “You don’t have too much experience in taking off bras, do you?”
Me: What gave me away?
Her: The scissors, mostly.
#other
@Sickipedia
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried.I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.I'll never forget the pain of my first kid knee stones.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A couple was invited to a masked Halloween ball. On the night of the party the wife had a headache.
Longnsfw
She told her husband to go on alone. Reluctantly he agreed. He put on his bear costume and left. She took a nap and woke up feeling great.
Realizing her husband didn’t know her costume, she decided to go and see what he was up to.
She got there and saw the bear flirting with every woman in sight. Still masked, she approached him; after a few drinks he propositioned her.
They went into a bedroom and had sex for an hour, even in positions she’d never done before. When they were done, he left without saying a word. She went home.
When her husband got home, she asked about his night.
“Same old, same old,” he said. “When I got there, a bunch of the guys were in back playing poker. So I played cards all night.”
She said, “You must have looked silly playing cards in a bear costume.”
“I gave the costume to Dad. He said he had the time of his life.”
#other
@Sickipedia
One day Grandpa was watching Junior playing with an earthworm..
Grandpa said, " Junior, I will give you $10 if you can put that worm back down in its little hole."
The kids thinks and thinks, then runs into the house and returns with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm all over and as it gets stiff he stuffs it down into the hole. Grandpa gives the boy $10.
The next day Grandpa comes out to where Junior is playing and gives the boy $20. The boy looked up in confusion and asked, "What's this for?"
Grandpa smiles and says, "That's from Grandma!"
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
I've read the bible and it turns out, I only believe in 12.5% of it.
Guess that makes me an Eighth Theist.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My wife kept blaming me for our lack of children in our sexless marriage. I finally told her to put a sock in it.
nsfw
Should've specified which sock.
Anyway, she's due in January.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
I have a friend who has sex 3-4 times a week. Works out every day. And reads at least two books a week.
But all this guy ever does is complain about prison.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in between two identical twins.
It was impossible..to differentiate between them.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What do you get if you cross a shark with an octopus?
You get a call from the research ethics board and immediate withdrawal of your funding.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
An 80 year old lady was marrying for the 4th time.
A newspaper asked if she wouldn't mind talking about her first 3 husbands and what they did for a living.
She smiled and said, "My first husband was a banker, then I married a circus ringmaster, next was a preacher and now in my 80's, a funeral director."
When asked why the 4 men had such diverse careers, she explained, "I married one for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready and 4 to go."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Next year, I'm moving to Greenwich, England
I don't know what I'll do in the mean time.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.
#other
@Sickipedia
My mother said she was disappointed when I came out.
I said, "I'm not gay, mum."
"I was referring to your birth," she replied.
#roast
@Sickipedia
I saw a bumper sticker today that said, "Beware of the idiot that's behind me."
I decided to follow him until I could figure out who the idiot was!
#other
@Sickipedia
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The horse, unable to comprehend the human language, shits on the floor and leaves.
#antihoke
@Sickipedia
What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
Eventually a Rottweiler will let go
#other
@Sickipedia
A married woman was making out with her lover.
She heard her husband knocking on the door, and started to freak out. She said “God, I would do whatever it takes to get away with this one.” All of a sudden, a genie showed up and offered her help but said that he’ll only do it on the condition of drowning her in 2 years. She accepted the offer and her lover disappeared within seconds.
Two years later, a bunch of her female friends invited her to go on a cruise that had over 600 women on board. She had forgotten about the deal with the genie and accepted the invitation. The genie showed up and asked if she remembered him. She said no and he reminded her of their deal and told her he was about to drown the ship. “I made a mistake, why should the other innocent women be punished for it,” she protested. “I have been gathering you whores for the last 2 years.” He answered.
#other
@Sickipedia
No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
“I play a little guitar!"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A Möbius strip walks into a bar, sobbing.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong, buddy?” The Möbius strip replies, “Where do I even begin?”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A gorilla walks into a bar in Manhattan.
The bartender gives the gorilla a craft beer menu (without the fucking QR codes). The gorilla points at a particular summer ale, with hints of lemon. The bartender nods, and tells him what a great choice that is.
A few minutes later, the bartender serves the gorilla this tasty craft brew, and says, "That will be $16".
The gorilla, not being a small tipper, hands over a $20, and indicates to the bartender by hand signals to keep the change.
The bartender acknowledges the tip, and says, "You know - we don't have many gorillas ordering drinks here."
Finally, the gorilla speaks up and says, "That's not a big surprise, with these fricking prices."
#other
@Sickipedia
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Sid revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Nathan,, the King's chief adviser. Nathan thought about this and said that he could arrange for Sid to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Sid readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Nathan got a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Nathan informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and Nathan advised that only the saliva of Sid would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Sid to their chambers. Nathan then slipped Sid the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Sid worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Sid left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Sid found Nathan demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Sid couldn't have cared less knowing that Nathan could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Nathan slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Sid.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia