13643
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
What are the three words you never want to hear while having sex?
"Honey, I'm home!"
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a 3 bedroom suite on the 75th floor of a hotel.
When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but all the elevators are broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."
Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stories. The three of them agreed that, to make it less boring, Al would tell the other two his funniest stories while they climbed from floors 1 to 25, Ben would tell his scariest stories from floors 26 to 50, and Carl would tell his saddest stories from floors 51 to 75.
They started to climb the stairs, and Al started to tell funny stories. By the time they reached the 25th floor, Ben and Carl were laughing hysterically.
Then Ben started to tell scary stories. By the time they reached the 50th floor, Al and Carl were hugging each other in fear.
Then Carl started to tell sad stories. "I'll tell my saddest story of all first," he said. "There once was a man named Carl who left the hotel room key in the car..."
#other
@Sickipedia
I don’t know why necrophilia is illegal
I’ve never heard a complaint
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
10.
1 to change the bulb and 9 to tell you how much better they could've done it
#other
@Sickipedia
Rumour got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill..
Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.
"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"
"I do." said the bear.
"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.
"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wolf was found dead on the forest floor.
The fox came later that day to confront the bear.
"Bear," she said. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"
"I do." said the bear.
"And... Is my name on it?" she asked.
"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, fox's mangled remains were found lying on the forest floor.
That day the rabbit, too, decided to confront the bear.
"Bear," he said. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"
"I do." said the bear.
"And... Is my name on it?" asked the rabbit.
"It is." the bear growled.
"Can - can you remove it?"
"Oh, for sure."
#other
@Sickipedia
I don't always roll a joint but when I do
It's my ankle
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My Chinese wife never understands what I want when I say "69". It's getting really frustrating.
On the other hand, I do like beef with broccoli in sweet and sour sauce.
#other
@Sickipedia
Three couples in line to enter the Pearly Gates…
St. Peter addresses the first couple. He reads from the big book and finally looks up at the man and says with a dripping sarcasm, “You want to get into heaven? You were the cheapest son of a gun who ever lived! You didn’t give to charity. You didn’t help out family members. You were so obsessed with money, you married someone named ‘Penny!’ Get the hell outta here!”
The couple instantly fall through the clouds, disappearing for eternity.
The second couple step forward. Same deal. Peter, the big book, the sarcasm. “You’ve got to be kidding me! You spent your life searching for your next drink. Your kids hate you. You couldn’t hold a job. You were so obsessed with booze, you married someone named ‘Cheri!’ Go to hell!”
Poof!
The third couple look at each other and the man says, “Come on Fanny, we don’t stand a chance.”
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
How did Kim Kardashian inform her kid that she and Kanye were separating?
“North, my relationship with West has gone south.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A man answered an ad that read "Hiring welders $18-$24 per hour"..
When he arrived he was told he'd have to take a welding test.
He turned in 2 sets of welds. One was a great weld, the other was a mess.
When the boss asked him why he did this he replied "One is $18/hr, the other is $24/hr".
#other
@Sickipedia
Doctor: “Sir, i have bad news, i’m afraid your DNA is backwards”
Me: "AND?"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
NASA recently discovered the man with the largest penis in the universe
But they said it wasn't an appropriate thing to put on my resume, and I didn't get the job.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
At a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket was waiting for the bus..
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Teacher: What was that noise?
Student: Sorry, my jacket fell on the floor.
Teacher: Why was it so loud?
Student: Because I was wearing it when it fell.
#other
@Sickipedia
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road." The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now what the fuck would you say?"
#other
@Sickipedia
A woman giving birth went into a coma for a few days
When she woke up, the doctor told her, “congratulations, you gave birth to healthy twins: a girl and a boy. Your ex-boyfriend visited and named them for you”
The woman replies, “no not him! What did he name the boy?”
Doctor: Mason
Woman: Oh that’s actually not a bad name. How about the girl?
Doctor: Madaughter
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
The boss started to notice that one of his employees, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention..
So, one day he asks Dave about his secret.
Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".
Later that day, the boss gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex.
So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:
"Dave, is that you?".
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A general, a colonel and a major were having a heated argument on the subject of sex.
The general maintained that sex was 60 percent work and 40 percent fun. The colonel said that it was 75 percent work and 25 percent fun. The major thought it was 90 percent work and 10 percent fun.
At the height of the argument, a private appeared at the door. "Let's leave it to him," said the major. The private listened carefully and said with an air of absolute finality, "If you will pardon me sirs, sex is 100% fun and no work at all." "How do you figure that ?!," cried the astonished officers.
"It is very simple," said the private. "If there was any work in it at all, you guys would have me doing it for you."
#other
@Sickipedia
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right every single time.”
Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.
He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
What is the difference between light and hard?
Most guys can fall asleep with a light on.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Where do pirates get their hooks?
The second hand store.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I will never understand why manslaughter is illegal.
Men should be able to laugh at whatever they want.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What's a vagina's favorite music genre?
Cuntry
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What do you call an Irish gunslinger who can kill 5 men with 1 bullet?
Rick O'shea
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What happens when you hit someone in a high frequency?
It Hertz.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open..
She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
#oldbutold
@Sickipedia
Every time when I ask someone what does LGBT stand for,
I never get a straight answer.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
BREAKING NEWS: A man was admitted to the hospital today with 25 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum.
Doctors have described his condition as stable.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me..
She said “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
“Fair enough,” I replied and felt her breasts.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
А scammer called my grandma and said he had all her passwords.
She got a pen and paper and said 'thank god for that, what are they'
#other
@Sickipedia