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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
My 16 year old daughter came home today and said "Dad, I'd like you to meet my new boyfriend Mike."
"Are you kidding me?!" I said, "What the fuck are you doing with this ugly loser? Don't scrape the barrel, you can do much better than this."
"Dad!!" my daughter screamed, "Mike is lovely!"
"I know." I replied "I was talking to him."
#sexandshit
A math teacher has sex with one of his students
How many times does 42 go into 15?
#sexandshit
I'm not sure why hunting is called a sport.
Is it really a sport when one team doesn't know the match has started?
#sport
If I had a dollar for every gender...
I'd have $1.77.
#sexism
Statistically, 9 out of 7 people are thick as shit.
#illness
There was once a man named Odd.
People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died. Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."
#other
She: You are too immature. I can't handle it anymore, I need a break.
Me: Have a kitkat.
#sexandshit
Science builds planes and skyscrapers.
But faith brings them together.
#religion
Snooker: Typical English game.
All the colours at the front of the cue, while the white does all the work.
#racism
Why does France have so many rivers?
Water follows the path of least resistance.
#racism
My son has just asked me why his friends Aziz and Tariq didn't get any Christmas presents off Santa.
So I told him, "Son, you're 10 years old now and you're old enough to know the truth about Santa... He fucking hates Muslims".
#racism
Due to how fucking fat my wife's become, I can only have sex with her doggy-style.
It's just regular sex, but I have to give her a treat afterwards.
#sexandshit
Just accidentally emailed a porn link to a co-worker...
So I emailed ten other co-workers the link and called it a virus.
#sexandshit
How can Transgender people expect everyone to accept who they are, when they can't even do that to themselves?
#sexandshit
I took my 3-year-old son for a walk in the park yesterday. He asked me, "Daddy, why is the sky blue?"
Well, any idiot knows that the sky appears blue because long-wavelength light is scattered more efficiently in air than shorter-wavelength colours such as red.
So I gave him a good beating.
#other
If you think dogs can't count,
Put 3 biscuits in your pocket then give him only 2.
#other
A man walks into a bar...
The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."
#sexandshit
Why did God give women two sets of lips?
So they can piss and moan at the same time
#sexandshit
I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings.
I'm a drunk. I go to parties.
#illness
Malaysian Airlines and United should merge.
That way they can beat their passengers and no one will ever find out.
#news
I saw this talking muslim doll in the toy store and asked the shop owner what it was supposed to say.
"Dunno", he said, "nobody dared to pull the cord so far".
#racism
Interviewer: What's your biggest strength?
Me: I'm a fast learner.
Interviewer: What's 11 * 11?
Me: 65.
Interviewer: Not even close. It's 121.
Me: It's 121.
#other
Me and the wife have just been to the cinema to see that film Suffragette.
Two hours of a woman's struggle........full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.
Anyway, after she finally managed to park the car in the cinema car park we rushed in and caught the credits...
#sexandshit
Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?
Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram
Son: Thanks dad
Dad: No problem Alan
#other
My dad told me never to go to a cheap, sleazy, dirty, raunchy strip club, because you'll see something you really shouldn't.
So I went.
And I saw my dad.
#sexandshit
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities.
I said, "That's great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity."
#illness
I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke,
"Which way did you vote?"
I voted to leave, " he replied. With that my dog bit him.
I carried on and I saw a woman,
"Which way did you vote? " I asked.
"I voted to leave, " she said. My dog bit her as well.
As I carried on I met another man,
Which way did you vote?" I asked.
"I voted to remain, " he said. With that my dog bit him.
My dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.
#politics
Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.
Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes.
When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque.
Finally Nicola Sturgeon gets her turn and calls Scotland for 4 hours. When she's finished, the devil informed her that there would be no charge and feel free to call Scotland anytime.
Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil why Nicola Sturgeon got to call Scotland free.
The devil replied, "Since Nicola Sturgeon became First Minister of Scotland, the Country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
#politics
I walked into a bookshop and said to the girl behind the counter, "I'm looking for a book by Shakespeare."
"Which one?" She replied.
"William, you thick cunt."
#other
"Now class, put your hands up if you know anything about police officers."
"You only have to put one hand up, Leroy."
#racism