13643
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia.
Librarian: "They're right behind you!"
#illness
Lesbians, if you hate men so much, stop trying to look like them!
You don't see jews dressed as nazis.
#sexism
Daddy, what are clouds made of?
Linux servers, mostly.
#other
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double..?
'What's that..?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - really excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'My Lucky Night',.
So I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake"..?
#sexandshit
I hate it when people say 'size doesn't matter'.
It makes me feel as if I have a huge cock for nothing.
#sexandshit
When you die, you come one step closer to God.
You don't exist.
#religion
I made my wife scream during sex last night.
She walked into our daughter's room.
#sexandshit
Making love to a woman is like playing a violin.
I don't know how to do it.
#sexandshit
Even if I don't know the girl, I can always tell if she has a good sense of humour...
...just by feeling her tits.
#sexandshit
I was in the gym last night and while having a breather I noticed a hole in my trainer that was just big enough to put my finger in, to cut a long story short, she complained and now I've been banned
#sexandshit
Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers. Emma gives Mary 3 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. Sam gives Mary 2 stuffed animals and 1 flower. What does Mary have?
Cancer. Mary has cancer.
#illness
I was tucking the kids into bed last night when one of them said,
"Where's my mummy and daddy?"
#crime
Welcome to click bait club.
You're not going to believe the first rule.
#other
What do the Special Olympics and a hand job have in common?
You appreciate the effort but you could do it better.
#sexandshit
What creature is yellow and survives solely by feeding of dead beatles?
Yoko Ono
#celebrities
I hate people who take drugs.
Mainly customs officers.
#crime
An Imam told me that throwing bacon at a Muslim is as offensive as throwing dog shit at them.
Anyway, long story short, I'm now saving a fortune on bacon.
#racism
Witnesses described hearing a horrible deafening noise coming from the Ariana Grande concert at the Manchester Arena this evening...
Then it stopped and there was an explosion.
#crime
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
#sexandshit
My time machine landed slap bang in the middle of Hitlers living room in 1940, I thought now's my chance to change the world,
"Please sir," I pleaded, "don't gas the Jews."
"Gas the Jews?" Hitler replied, "h'mm, I hadn't thought of that."
#racism
James Bond goes around the world killing people, stealing stuff, fucking any woman he can get his hands on (without caring if he leaves her with a kid or an STD) and has all the latest gadgets despite not doing an honest day's graft in his life.
Are we sure he can't be played by a black bloke?
#racism
My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with.
I probably should've stopped when I got to her.
#sexandshit
"Dead or alive, you're coming with me."
Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…
#sexandshit
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.
That priest is in jail now.
#sexandshit
So why not some codes for seniors:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
LWO - Lawrence Welk's On
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
WTP - Where's the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!
DTAF - Don't Trust A Fart
#other
Do Transformers get car insurance or life insurance?
Neither because they live in America.
#tv
Why do riot police like to get to work early?
To beat the crowd.
#politics
Just told a guy in the library,talking loudly on his phone, to shut the fuck up..
Everyone in the library applauded and Cheered me so I told them to shut the fuck up too..
#other
You should never judge anybody by the colour of their skin.
That's what the courts are for.
#racism
I had to go see my doctor today because I’m having an unusual problem. I say to him, “I’ve got a problem, every time I finish masturbating I sing the American national anthem”.The doctor said, “Don’t worry, a lot of wankers sing that”.
#racism