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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
News: British man who built world's largest Rubik's cube builds world's largest fidget spinner.
He then went home to the world's emptiest bed.
#news
I wanted to test out religious tolerance in the UK, so first I stood outside a Church dressed as a Roman soldier and nobody cared.
Then I went to a synagogue dressed as Hitler, they were quite cross and told me to leave politely, but firmly.
And then, nine miles from my nearest Mosque, I had a Bacon sandw
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
#other
Without Arabians, 9/11 wouldn't exist.
It would be IX/XI instead.
#other
A while ago I had a blind date with a Jewish girl.
She asked me for my number.
I told her that we usually use names.
#racism
The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate.
Nobody knows what may happen.
Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.
#politics
Man, I still remember my grandpa's last words...
"Stop playing with that shotgun you little fucking cunt."
#mortality
A programmer's wife tells him to go buy some milk, and, while he's there, to get eggs.
He hasn't come back.
#other
News: Apple introduces HomePod device that hears everything you say, knows every answer, and controls your entire home.
Shouldn't it be called the iWife?
#sexism
My little brother wanted to be treated like a prince...
...So I slit his throat while he was sleeping to ensure he didn't lay claim to my crown.
#mortality
What is the difference between Russia and reality?
Trump had connections with Russia.
#politics
Simply put a % sign after your age to see how dead you are...
#mortality
I saw a woman driver cause an accident today.
She indicated that she was turning right and then actually fucking turned right.
#sexism
News: Japanese princess to give up royal status so she can marry a commoner.
I'm pretty sure she'll bring that up every time she has a row with her husband.
#other
My wife's an animal in bed.
Pity it's a fucking sloth.
#sexandshit
In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.
In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.
Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
#tv
'Benjamin Button.'
'BENJAMIN WHO?'
'Benjamin'
'WHO'S THERE?'
'Knock knock!'
#other
I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle.
So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a copper whistle. But the copper steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a tin whistle. Now I can whistle.
#other
A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both, son, God is both."
After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both, son, both."
"Daddy, does God love children?"
"Yes, son, he loves all children."
The child returns a few minutes later and asks, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"
#religion
Just watched Harry Potter. It wasn't very realistic.
Come on, a ginger with two friends?
#racism
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pickup his Master's degree.
#racism
The Speed of Light is 3*10^8 metres per second. What then is the Speed of Darkness?
9.58 seconds over 100 metres.
#racism
What did the boy with no arms get for his Birthday?
Don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.
#illness
News: "Wonder Woman" earned $300 million worldwide in first week.
Related News: "Wonder Man" earned $400 million for doing the same job.
#sexism
I've just fallen through the roof of a French bakery...
I'm in a world of pain.
#other
UK govt can't find a terrorist in a terrorist documentary, but 7 min after you forget to pay your TV license, they take out your front door.
#other
Jesus sacrificed his life for your sins…
Except he came back…
So, what did he really sacrifice?
His weekend?
Jesus sacrificed his weekend for your sins…
#religion
A woman is like a cloud.
If she's not there, it's a nice day.
#sexism
"Tell me honestly, are you guilty?" asked my lawyer, "It doesn't make a difference to me, but I don't want to be surprised in court."
"Yes, I raped and murdered all of those prostitutes," I admitted.
"That's very interesting," he said, "But let's get back to this shoplifting charge now."
#crime